By Francis Ewherido

Today’s topic was prompted by two experiences. Twice last year, I gave a talk to the same gathering of married people on marriage and family. On both occasions, one gentleman expressed his reservations about an aspect of my presentation. He felt I did not put enough emphasis on the headship of the husband and the submissiveness of the wife, as stated in Ephesians 5: 22-24: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

The second was my parish seminar where the speaker felt husbands have thoroughly misunderstood their role as the head of the family. She drew the attention of the husbands present to the portion of the Bible where Jesus Christ showed how to be the head when he washed the feet of his disciples to demonstrate humility in leadership (John 13: 12-17).

Jesus explained this paradigm of leadership further when the mother of James and John sought prime positions for her two sons in Jesus’ kingdom. Jesus then called all the disciples together and explained to them: “You know that those regarded as rulers of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them, and their superiors exercise authority over them. But it shall not be this way among you. Instead, whoever  wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be the slave of all.…” Matt. 20:20-23/Mark 10: 42-44

The kind of leadership for which Jesus canvassed in the above passages is what is today commonly referred to as servant leadership. Servant leadership has been around for thousands of years, in the midst of authoritarianism, monarchy, etc., but it was in 1970 that Robert Greenleaf labeled it servant leadership.

At the heart of servant leaders is a desire to serve the people, ensure their wellbeing, make them better human beings, ensure they participate in decision making on issues concerning them, not leaders taking decisions and informing them. That you are first of all a servant does not diminish your role as a leader. You must still be equipped with necessary leadership skills and traits: vision, good communication skills, empathy, etc.

Breaking down servant leadership further, Larry Spears, former President of Robert Greenleaf’s Centre, listed 10 attributes of a servant leader. They are: listening, empathy, healing, awareness, persuasion, conceptualization, foresight, stewardship, commitment to the growth of people and building community.

There is no space for further explanation of each attribute, but they are self-evident. These are attributes any man who wants to build a successful home should cultivate. Wives must, however, note that servant leadership is not about spousal equality; God has already allocated different roles to the husband and wife. It is also not foolish liberalism, where the children are concerned. Servant leadership means the husband has to be guided by what is in the best interest of the family, individually and collectively, at all times.

As a servant leader in your home, you have a lot of balancing act to do. I advise young men going into marriage not to be enamoured by this head of the family business, lest they get their fingers burnt. Even though the Bible pronounced you the head, learn to build consensus in the family. And make no mistake about it, you should be head when it comes to making money and providing for the family, but when it comes to spending it, you are joint-head, very answerable to the de facto head, your wife.

If your wife is the breadwinner, it should be temporary until you find your feet again, unless you are incapacitated and emasculated. I have not seen any wife who really loves being the breadwinner of the house and I cannot understand why any normal, able man should be contented with the wife being the breadwinner.

I am not saying husbands should be in competition with their wives in income generation. When God saw that Adam needed a companion, He said He would create a suitable helpmate. Your wife is a helpmate, she is meant to complement you, not takeover your role as a breadwinner.

Servant leadership is participatory. You are joint head with your wife when it comes to decision making in the house. In fact, as the children come of age, you become more like senate president in the house: first among equals. You become more democratic, which means the majority most times will carry the day and you can easily be overridden.

A servant leader husband listens to members of his household. Sometimes family members bless him with superior arguments, which he flows with because of his humility. But I do not support young families practicing full blown democracy. The children are minors and minors in real democracies do not participate in voting until they are 18 years.

The problem some adults have today were created earlier in their lives when they were allowed to have their way as little children and take fundamental decisions, some of which are now affecting them adversely. Children should be supported and encouraged to live their lives and achieve their potentials under parental guidance. When they derail, parents must put their foot down. That is why diligent parents will continue to “fight” with their adolescent children.

Liberalism with minors creates a mess and we are seeing some of it in advanced countries. Toddlers and other children under 10 tell their parents they are girls trapped in boys’ bodies and vice versa and the parents acquiesce. The next thing, the parents spend hard earned money to do a sex change for a child who is yet to understand his/her sexually.

An under 10, whose sex hormones are still dormant and undeveloped, tells the parents he/she is gay and the parents support the child in the “discovery” that is not more than a misguided choice, fuelled by herd mentality. How can you allow minors take such weighty decisions? On one of my trips home recently, I queried my mother (and my late father) for allowing me to have my way in respect of my academics at age 13. That foolish decision I took haunted me for the rest of my formal academic pursuit.

Children can have their way on ephemeral and minor issues, but parents should be ready to “fight to finish” on fundamental issue, if persuasion does not work. No retreat, no surrender. That is one of the attributes of a servant leader: commitment to the growth and wellbeing of the people. Didn’t Jesus use a whip to chase out bureau de change operators and others selling in the temple? (Matt 21:12-17/John 2:13-22). The child will be grateful to you later in life.

Ephesians 5:22-24 must be put in proper perspective. What Jesus is to his church and vice versa means that husbands and wives are servants of each other in their unique ways, and parents virtually live their lives for the children, at least until they leave the home. In all of these relationships, there is no room for selfishness, lest the delicate balance be disrupted.