By Aunty Julie

Aunty Julie,

My guy and I started dating when we were 19, we have been together for 10 years and have two children. I had sexually been with people before him, but he had not. I told him all about my past, but it still keeps coming up.

We are both very loyal and very jealous people. I hate my past and so does he. He resents me for it, so much that he doesn’t think he loves me anymore. He says he hates me. He can’t stop picturing me with the guy I had been with in the past. He feels disgusted at me, angry that I have had others but he has only had me. How can he stop feeling this way? It brings us so much pain that we are about to give up.

Ebele, Enugu

Dear Ebele,

It sounds to me like your partner is going to have to make a decision about whether he can let this go or not. He might hate your past, and that’s okay, but bringing it up and resenting you for it is not helpful. In fact it is a complete waste of time as you cannot change the past. When your partner is resentful, it can make your relationship extremely challenging.

It sounds like you are looking for ways that he can stop feeling this way. But this is something he is going to have to work out himself. What you have done prior to meeting your partner is not something that he can be ashamed or angry at you about. He can either accept it, or not. This isn’t going to be easy, but it is very necessary for you to sit down and really talk about this. Why does he regularly bring it up? Is there something that can change now to improve the relationship? Does he want to remain in a relationship, considering he is saying he hates you?

We cannot control other people’s behaviour, only our own. So if he is going to continue to bring up your past, it’s up to you whether this is something you want to continue to deal with. The fact that you have been together for 10 years despite his feelings about your past is important. If he really couldn’t handle it, you wouldn’t have been able to remain in a relationship for so long. He may just need extra support from someone else to help him move past these feelings.