By Aunty Julie

Dear Julie,

I have been dating a guy for over two years. Everything is fine except that my boyfriend is very possessive, suspicious and jealous. I have never cheated on him and have no cause to do so. I love him and hold him in high regards but his jealousy and suspicion is killing me. He doesn’t want me to have friends or mix up with other people.

Even my girl friends are a problem to him because he thinks they are too footloose and carefree and would lead me astray. Yet, these are the people who have been encouraging me in the relationship up the this level because of my phobia for falling in love.This type of behaviour is killing me. I have openly discussed it with him but he says it’s because he loves me too much. This puts me off. Please help me.

Titi, Lagos

Dear Titi,

Thank you for your letter and please take it easy. Every relationship has its issues and yours is not an exception. However, I am not surprised your boyfriend’s possessiveness and jealousy is putting you off and making you feel stifled. I think you already know this behaviour has nothing to do with how much he loves you, but has to do with his fear of being hurt, abandoned, perhaps being cheated on.

I believe you that you have not done anything to make him feel more insecure than he already is, which means how he feels has nothing to do with you. The bad news is that you cannot do anything to make him stop being possessive, suspicious and jealous.

The good news is that you don’t have to take it personally. The better news is that you don’t need to try to make him feel better, because you can’t – he will likely have these feelings for a long time, in any relationship he is in. So go about your life, doing what you need to do and stop accommodating his feelings. This is your only hope of helping him ever get over them. But find time to communicate your feelings to him and the fact that you do love him indeed and that your friends are not a threat to the relationship. Is this passion strange?

Dear Julie,

Thank you for touching peoples lives through relationship counseling. I read your column and I love what you are doing. Please I have also my own issue and will appreciate if you look into it. I have been living with this man for over a year and I’m really not sure if he’s the one for me. The problem is that: he wants to do, literally, everything I do, and everything together. He wants us to wake up together in the morning, shower together, leave for work together, spend all of our evenings together, and go to bed at the same time.

I feel like he’s infringing on my individuality, and I feel like he’s clinging to me in an unhealthy way. I’ve given up my morning exercise routine because it bothered him that we didn’t spend mornings together. I’m a writer and I like to do some writing in the mornings. I really enjoy waking early and having some time to myself. Because I wake up early, he wants to wake up early too. When he does this, I feel like he’s a little puppy dog who just needs to follow me around all day and do everything I do.

If I say I don’t WANT him to do that, he feels rejected and as if something is wrong because I don’t want him there all the time. It’s not that I don’t want to do anything together. It’s very enjoyable and fun to share this time together. We have dinner together every night, which I also love. On the other hand, I also wonder if I’m making up this story about his lack of independence and perhaps I’m not allowing myself to “be” with a man. I wonder sometimes if he’s “good enough,” and then I feel guilty that I’m such a “snob.” My anger bubbles up around these issues all the time. What do I do? Hilda, Abuja

Dear Hilda,

Maybe I can start by saying that you are the lucky one. A lot of woman complain about their men not paying them enough attention but your case is different. Many will envy your situation. But like you pointed out, people in relationships need time apart and need their own lives in order for the relationship to work.

So I am wondering why you have been willing to give this part of yourself up, giving up your time alone, your exercise, your writing, instead of allowing your partner to deal with his feeling of rejection?

After all, you know you are not rejecting him when you want some space and time – you are taking care of yourself. If this brings up feelings of rejection for him, you can gently help him deal with the feelings, instead of trying to fix the situation so that he does not feel rejected. I suggest you try taking care of yourself and then help him deal with his emotions as they come up, by listening and being understanding, but not giving up yourself again. I think this will change how you feel about him.

I think he’s losing interest

Dear Aunty Julie,

My guy and I have been dating for six months now. Two months after we started, we got engaged but later broke off the engagement on the grounds that it was too soon. Lately I’ve been feeling like he’s lost interest in me. He spends most of his time on the computer or asleep and we hardly ever speak to each other.

He’s very snippy and when we do speak, one of us always gets angry or we start an argument. I’m beginning to stop loving him, and I’m not sure how to bring up any conversation about this without starting an argument. He always says that I’m putting words in his mouth or what I’m saying is a lie, when I know it isn’t. Even our close friends have realized that our relationship is falling apart. Should I try to discuss this with him or should I decide to end things and see if that is for the better?

Ivie, Edo

Dear Ivie,

Thank you for contacting me. You cannot just stop loving him without anything happening or for him to start behaving in a strange manner. I think it is always better to try to talk things out with your partner. How about you try to talk to him about what is going on between the two of you and try to listen when he responds. Most of all, refuse to get into an argument with him. Arguing is often one way to avoid dealing with the real issues, so if you refuse to be pulled into an argument, you might just have a chance to get to the truth.

She’s in love with another man

Aunty Julie,

The lady of my dreams is in love with another man. I don’t know what to do. I really like her and I think she likes me. The problem is that she is dating someone. The bigger problem is that she is dating my friend. I cannot come between them because I’m the one that settles their love issues. What do I do?

Tobi, Akure

Dear Tobi,

As I see it, you have two choices – let the girl know you like her, but lose the friendship with your friend. Or, keep the friendship and go find another girl to focus on. It all depends on how important the friendship is to you. However, you are working on your belief that the girl loves you but the truth is that she may not feel exactly the way you are feeling.

She may be friendly to you because of your friendship with her boyfriend and you should not misconstrue that to mean she feels the same love you feel for her. So, be careful and take it easy. Don’t spoil your friendship with both of them. Sincerely, you should look for someone else.