By Yetunde Arebi

Hi

Recently on Tiktok, I saw a page by an American Radio station, where two guys were discussing an interactive show. A woman had written in for advice on how to treat one of her three baby daddies. According to her, he completely ignores her other two children by two men and only cares for his son, who happens to be the last.

All three children live with her. She said he comes with gifts, food and stuff only for his son and when she complains, he always asks why their father can’t provide for them. She said the other kids feel bad and it disturbs her. The hosts first bursted out laughing and asked why the other fathers can’t take care of their children because it’s not the guy’s duty to. 

Though this transpired in far away USA, it is very relatable everywhere. The unpredictability of relationships makes it very complex. It is no respecter of age, beauty, race or class, people fall in and out of love every day around the world. Thus, it is easy to expect that individuals may find themselves in more than one intimate relationship in the course of their lifetime. And because we sometimes erroneously believe that each relationship ‘is it’, we are tempted to throw our all into each only to walk out of it, bearing bagages way too burdensome than we can manage. While this may be easier for men to handle, the biological composition and societal expectation of women make it more compelling that she cares and provides for the products (children ) of her relationships. Where she fails to buckle up to her responsibility, she might be the loser in the immediate and long term effects. 

While the refusal of the third baby daddy to take care of his other two step children might be traumatic for the lady and her children, I do agree with the hosts that it is not his duty and he cannot be compelled or blackmailed into doing so. It ought to come from his heart and that will be greatly determined by his feelings towards their mother. So the buck still goes back to the woman. 

Having children for more than one man may be the death knell for some women rather than an escape to eldorado, as they imagined. “I grew up with the subtle vow to only marry once in my life and all my children must be by him. If things don’t work out well, so be it”, says Anita, a Pharmacist who does not speak with her two step siblings. She insists she owes her mother neither love nor loyalty and only respects her for who she is. 

According to her, “my mother had four of us for three men. She had a brief relationship which produced a child she abandoned with her father, after she discovered that the guy was as stingy as a monkey and would never fulfill his promises to her. This was after she left my father taking me along, because she concluded that he could never do well in life. She eventually got another guy who was as abusive as he was rich. He would often bring his lovers home and beat her up at the slightest provocation”. 

“Eventually, this man went on to have four children with other women and has earned the reputation of the community’s sugar daddy. She would always tell us that she was with the man because my father ruined her life by not spending his money wisely by building a house, but on drinking, cars and enjoyment. My mother made me labour for the man and their children to the extent that I often had to sleep outside on the balcony if I offended him or her beloved children.

Of course, her children abused me at will and often called my father names. They taunted me to no end and often mocked me when my father was late in paying school fees. Eventually, this man tried to rape me at 14 years and short of blaming me, she sent me back to my father. I was happy to leave and here I am today. Her other child does not relate with any of us because her father forbade her  before his death. He even wrote in his will that she must never give a kobo of his money to my mother.”

It’s tough raising children alone. If a woman has children by more than one man, she has to be strong, wise and financially independent, if she must succeed. 

Do have a wonderful weekend!!