By Aunty Julie

Aunty Julie,

I was happily married for  20 years. Everyone thought I had the perfect relationship. My husband and I thought so too in all but one respect. We were never able to consummate our marriage and that affected our marriage. We eventually moved on. My husband even did well to have stayed with me for that long. I now have a new partner and there is so much passion but sadly, we have not been able to have full intercourse. He has a lot of emotional baggage and I am ashamed to own up to my past problems.

I had an awful experience with my first cervical smear test. The doctor was very brutal and ignored the fact that I was in great pain and profusely too. I love this new man with all my heart, and he repeatedly tells me how sexy I am and how much I arouse him. I know I am not frigid but the physical act is impossible. I am too embarrassed to speak to anyone. I don’t want to end my life as a virgin.

Eve, Lagos

Dear Eve,

Making love to the right man should be a lovely experience both emotionally and physical.  I  think with the right sort of help, you would be able to overcome this. You are probably suffering from something called vaginismus, where the muscles around the vagina contract, making it impossible for the man to enter you. Because of the dreadful experience you had with the doctor when it comes to penetration, you fear being hurt all over again and your vaginal muscles contract.  Don’t be embarrassed.

First, tell the man you love about your past and how much you want to make love. Then ask your GP for a referral to a gynaecologist, ideally a female one. She could check that  no long – term damage was done by the doctor (probably not). If you are suffering from vaginismus, it can be treated and you can learn to relax and enjoy making love.