By Francis Ewherido
Finances: More than half of the divorces in America are as a result of financial issues. We do not have the statistics here, but from experience, money is at the root of many troubled marriages. Our troubled economy has brought trouble to many marriages. Sometimes trouble comes from how the available resources are managed. You have issues of one spouse being accused of profligacy or penny pinching. For some money is scarce; for others, it is too much money.

Young people need to come up with a pre-nuptial financial plan, which will guide their marriage and help reduce friction later. One lesson young people must also learn is that most times, money and time are inversely related. Apart from rich retirees who have paid their dues, there are very few people who have plenty of money and time simultaneously. What obtains is that many of those who have plenty of money have little time for themselves and family, while those who have plenty of time on their hands have little money.

In this part of the world, it takes plenty of time and efforts to make money and very little time is left for family and other endeavours. Therefore, if you want a husband who will be with you round the clock, go and marry a person, who works from 8am to 3pm and is free on weekends. But you should be contented with a simple life at least in the early stages of your marriage. But if you want the good things of life—exotic holidays, designer clothes, expensive jewelry, wonder on wheels, a palatial residence—you will spend many cold nights alone because your spouse will have to work very hard and smart to provide these…. I maintain, scarcely does a young man have plenty of time and legitimate money at the same time. So young ladies need to carefully make their choices and be prepared for the consequences of their choices; you can’t have your cake and eat it.

Parents and Families: Some parents and families are doing more harm than good to their children’s marriages. They are inflammables rather fire extinguishers and they are fueling raging infernos in their children’s marriages. Some of them mean well and act out of love and concern, but they are incapable of being objective because of their emotional attachments to their children. They end up taking sides and “interfering” (having negative effects) instead of “intervening” (having positive outcomes) in the marriages. Some other parents and families do not know how to let go of their married children while some are downright mischievous. Some never wanted the union because the other party is from a different religion or denomination, different ethnic group or for reasons best known to them, as if they are the one getting married to the person.

Sometimes, parents and family members feel the level of attention and money their ward was giving to them has dropped since after the marriage and they blame the spouse for it. It is a selfish and cruel world. People who have been in marriage and weathered the storm for decades want to destroy their children’s one-day-old marriages for selfish reasons. Young people should shine their eyes. Protect your spouses; shield them from mischievous parents and family members. Enhance communication flow and interaction with your spouses. There is no problem that cannot be solved once you start and keep talking. Too many cooks will destroy your marriage. If things boil over, it is better to take the matter to your sponsors (for Catholics) or counseling units of your church where trained and non-aligned experts will help you through.

I do not have issues with parental advice, especially when constructive; unfortunately many of them are not. Why even get married if you want to be continuously tied to your parents’ apron strings? Marriage is for independent and matured minds only. I have said it before; I will only get involved in my children’s marriage if there is domestic violence. I do not want to be pre-deceased by any of them. Beyond that, they have to work out the success of their marriages themselves. What I owe them is prayer.

Domestic Abuse: One of my guiding principles in life is that he who is not faithful in little things would scarcely be faithful when the stakes are higher. The day my daughter goes out and comes back with a black eye or bruises from an abusive boyfriend or fiancé, that relationship is ended. She is on her own if she continues. If she always comes back moody or crying, I will investigate and get to the root of the matter. If it is a case of mental or emotional abuse by the guy, the relationship must also end or she is on her own. It is not impossible, but abusers scarcely change. Very few do and how do I discern he who will turn a new leaf? I would rather not gamble and give my daughter out in marriage to a man I already know to be an abuser hoping that he changes.

A friend’s fiancée ended their relationship in those days partly because of his acidic tongue. He was left heartbroken. Today, his wife is the beneficiary (both in terms of marriage and verbal self-restraint) of that heart break, although I feel, with the benefit of hindsight, that destiny was at work. But maybe all abusers need such shock treatment to come to their senses. Young people —male and female—should watch out for abusive traits—physical, verbal, mental and emotional – in potential spouses during courtship. It is a deadly trait and very difficult to handle over the long haul that marriage is.