By Debbie Olujobi
Hateful or hurtful words cut me to the quick so I try not to cause people pain by saying things that could cause pain. Witnessing the scene between husband and wife was every upsetting to a few of us who were present because they seemed determined to tear each other apart by saying really horrible things that to be honest I’d rather not have heard.

I can understand celibacy as a choice for religious reasons but to be married and celibate would somehow not work for most people. Later on I was still processing the day’s events when my phone rang; it was the lady from earlier. I normally would not have picked up as I was getting ready for bed but I remembered the promise I made to listen to her if she ever wanted to talk so I got comfortable for what was bound to be a long conversation. I listened to her speak and unburden herself and I let her talk uninterrupted till she was spent.

I asked her if they had fights like that regularly and surprisingly she revealed that they didn’t. They were very polite to each other, they shared separate wings in their huge house and kept a united front for their children but they had not been husband and wife in the intimate sense of the word for close to 10 years.

Lately I have come across a lot of women in similar situations and it begs belief that they would stay in such unions. I asked her a question that caused her to hang up the phone in anger but within a few minutes she was back with the answer that was the root of the disturbance.

The question was simple; since her husband was not gay, why would he be repulsed by her enough to reject what most men can’t do without?.
“What did you do to him?”I had asked.

The answer she gave explained a lot and I can only write about it because they are not Nigerians and no longer live in Nigeria. After her last child was born, her parents had come to stay as her husband was not around and he had returned earlier than expected to see his new baby when he burst into the room to see a sight that not only killed the love he had for her but made her an object of disgust to him since then.

He walked into the classic nightmare for men, wife in bed with another man; only in this case, it was a lot worse; much worse! The wife was in bed with her father. According to her, they were not in the throes of “it” but the situation was no less intimate. It had broken the lid of a family’s horrible secret and had destroyed her parent’s marriage. He had stormed out and she had gone after him.

As they talked she had unburdened herself and revealed an incestuous relationship that began when she was just 12 years old. They both sought counselling and while he did recognise that she was the victim of abuse, he just could never be attracted to her in an intimate manner again. He didn’t seek a divorce because of the children but he had just not been able to get that sight of her and her father out of his head.

The husband in question did not have a weight problem but he did like his alcohol. He was a very quiet man but he always seemed to have a drink in hand. His addiction was alcohol and according to his wife, it had become a health issue just like her weight.

Their case is an extreme one but it does illustrate the inner demons that are buried deep inside people who suffer from compulsions and addictions. I have always felt insecure and even though I have acquired confidence over the years my compulsions of bingeing and shopping come into play when I am emotionally rattled.  Most of us try to simulate contentment by feeding overfeeding ourselves or over compensating with activities that give us a momentary high or satisfaction.

Any addiction or compulsion is fuelled by a loss of equilibrium and control in our lives. By engaging in a particular behavioural pattern repeatedly, we subconsciously seek to regain control and relieve the stress if only temporarily.  If any activity or substance becomes needful even when it is irrational or unhealthy it is a compulsion or an addiction; the only way out is to dig deep for its root cause, trace when it began and face it head on.

Going on a diet when one is over weight is a good idea as long as there are no underlined emotional issues triggering the bingeing. Emptiness deep within is responsible for nearly every compulsion or addiction and that emptiness often has roots deep in childhood, sometimes from abuse; verbal, emotional and physical. Emptiness at times comes from neglect; this in turn leads to insecurities and self doubt.

Some people are addicted to exercise and hygiene and even though that looks healthy on the surface; over doing anything is still a compulsion; a crutch! At some point in time everyone has over done something for the wrong reasons; it’s what we all live with whether we admit it or not. The drug and alcohol addicts are those whose cases are highlighted because of their breakdown but it began with a compulsion and a little adduction to make them feel better if only for a while.