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I want to be a better lover

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By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
A group of us friends are in our late 20’s and my friends are always telling me how their girlfriends praise their prowess all of the time. I’ve had some hot affairs but not all these girls told me I drove them wild. How can I really tell if I drive them wild in bed enough to tell me I’m the best they’ve had?
By e-mail

Dear Israel,
It’s the average man’s fantasy he’s voted the best lover ever. Whilst all men can’t have that tag, a lot can improve on their techniques to give lovers lasting memories. The New Year is the best time to start. According to an expert, most of us aren’t that confident of our bodies in clothes, let alone out of them, especially in sexual positions that squash our bits up in the most unflattering ways! So a lover who looks at his partner adoringly gives her the confidence to stop worrying about what she looks like and starts paying attention to the delicious sensation she’s feeling. So perfect the art of flattery: absolutely nothing will score you more points as lover of her life than punctuating every kiss of every inch of her body with ‘You are just so sexy/beautiful/gob-smackingly gorgeous’!

Do your homework: surprisingly, few people take time out to discover how the body’s sexual response system works but, in a sense, sex is an acquired skill and you need to do your homework to become an expert. Get your hands on a good sex book and give yourself a biology lesson they didn’t give you in school.

Refuse to have sex in bed! It might not be the most original suggestion you’ve heard, but have you actually tried it? Lovers who initiate sex in rooms other that the bedroom score points simply because most people are lazy and take the easy option every time (sex in bed just before you go to sleep).

Focus on your girl’s pleasure, not yours: The better lover you are and the  more pleasure she gets from sex, the more likely she is to crave it and you. Encourage her to open up and tell you what she needs. Does she need more foreplay? Are you picking the wrong time to initiate sex (like Sunday mornings, the only time she gets to go to church or sleep in)? Ask for feedback during sex, listen and then do exactly what she asks.

Have I been re-infected ?

Dear Bunmi,
Some months back, I gave my boyfriend oral sex when I had a cold sore on my lip. Later, he got a sore on his genitals. Now I think he may have passed the cold sore back to me as I’m itchy down below. This has got me really worried. What do you think I should do?
By E-mail

Dear Iyesogie,
From what you described, you both almost certainly have the herpes virus. It is very common, and can cause sores on the face and genitals. If a person has a cold sore on their lips, oral sex is a way to pass it on to another person’s genitals. On the other hand, if you already had the herpes virus, your boyfriend couldn’t have passed it back to you. Once it’s in your system, you have it for life. You can get medication for the symptoms from either your doctor or at any health centre near you. In the meantime, use condoms with a new partner to avoid passing on the virus.

Why doesn’t he turn me on anymore?

Dear Bunmi,
I’m married to my childhood sweetheart. We lived together for a few years then got married three years ago. He’s a lovely and responsible man and I’m lucky to have him. We have a great relationship, apart from the physical side. His love-making no longer turns me on as it used to. I’ve never considered cheating on him though lately, I’ve told myself that if the chance arose, I might just go for it.

I love my husband very much and we have a cute one-year-old son. He’s very extroverted and I’m sure he’ll be terribly hurt if this marriage breaks-so would I. Is there any way out of this?

Dear Mabel,
Your even considering sleeping with another man at this early stage of your marriage shows a catastrophic rift in your relationship with a husband you’re supposed to be in love with. You must move carefully so as not to give wrong signal to your husband who might sense your discontent. Your marriage obviously means a lot to both of you and you had a fulfilling sexual relationship once.

So what went wrong? You need to have a serious discussion with your husband. Sex is a very important part of married life. Tell him how to please you, and if possible, take the initiative. He is your better half and you shouldn’t have secrets from him. There is also your son to think about. Marriage is not the wild bed of passion we all take it to be. Resentments occur once in a while and you should resolve them; not rush into the arms of another man! A good marriage, such as you have, is worth fighting for.

Was I a one-night stand?

Dear Bunmi
There’s this man I’d had a crush on for ages but he hardly noticed me. About two weeks ago, he suddenly appeared at our table during a friend’s birthday party. The friend warned I should stay clear of him as he was a loser. Yet I jumped at the chance of a lift from him. He saw me to my flat and we had hot sex. It was after he left that I realized he didn’t leave his number though I gave him mine. It’s two weeks now and he hasn’t called. I thought he liked me, so why haven’t I heard from him?
By e-mail

Dear Dupe,
I doubt you’ll hear from this man again because all he was interested in was sex. If you hadn’t been so desperate to hook him, you’d have realized that. Having sex with someone soon after you met them doesn’t suggest you’re looking for a relationship. In future get to know a man properly before having sex with him. Then you’re in a better position to judge if you two could become an item.

My lover is a love rat!

Dear Bunmi,
I started this affair early last year even though I am seemingly happy. I don’t want to hurt my husband, but I need love and affection, and I’m not getting either from him. Only I’ve recently discovered that the guy I’m having an affair with is also seeing someone else, and I’m devastated. Should I carry on seeing him even though he’s cheating on me? Or dump him and stick with my husband?
Liza Gbobi.

Dear Liza,
Can you really blame your lover for cheating? Like it or not, he’s just doing what you’re doing-cheating because he needs more from a relationship. Should you carryon seeing him? The thing is, if he’s already finding your relationship’s not enough for him, then he’s never going to truly care about you so I would dump him if I were you.

As for your husband, the ideal thing is to get things sorted out so you’re happy in your marriage. Why did you stray? What is he doing wrong? Cheating in a marriage is a sort of cry for help. You need to talk more with your husband and plan how to make your marriage the fulfilling relationship it once was.

He won’t try again after being hurt

Dear Bunmi,
I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for about a year now and we seem to get on fairly well. Some weeks ago, we had a stupid argument and I went away, angry. Since then, he’d told me he’s scared of continuing with our relationship because he doesn’t want to be hurt like his last girlfriend hurt him. He said he couldn’t go through such heartbreak again. I’m really heartbroken by his decision. How can I ever convince him I will never hurt him the way he thought?
By e-mail

Dear Tina,
You can’t convince your guy you can never hurt him, because you will. Getting hurt – and hurting others – is part of being in love. Caring for one another makes you vulnerable. And being close means its easier to get under each other’s skin. What you can do is show him that it’s possible to get over being hurt and to learn from the experience. He needs to know a trusting strong relationship wiII survive. If he agrees with this suggestion, you have a future. But if he’s still scared, maybe he’s not matured enough for a serious relationship.

Will he always cheat?

Dear Bunmi,
My partner is in his forties and was married before. He is a widower and has confessed that all the time he was married he’d had girlfriends which his wife condoned. When I told him I don’t like unfaithful men, he assured me he was now older and had more important things to think about. We currently live together and anytime I can’t account for where he is, I instantly assume he’s shagging someone somewhere, once a flirt, always a flirt. Am I right?
By e-mail

Dear Munirat,
It is a fact of life that a man who has had affairs is much more likely to have another one; so you do have reason to be anxious. Since he’s now being honest with you and assuring you of his loyalty, you have no choice but to believe him. Except you have other reasons to suspect he is still a ladies’ man, I would get on with making the best of the relationship if I were you. In this type of situation you have to follow your instinct and not rush into making rash assumptions.

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