By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,

My elder brother is 34 and lives at home with my parents, who have pampered him all his whole life. This has always made my blood boil, especially now that one of his casual girlfriends has a child by him. My parents have no financial help from him and watch his son while he sleeps off hangovers. It’s doubtful if he makes anything from the contracts he lies he’s after.

I am a professional man, happily married to an accountant and have three lovely children.  My parents take pride in my accomplishments yet expect nothing from my brother. Why won’t they encourage him to provide a life for himself and his child? And why are they afraid to be proper parents to him? I’m losing respect for them – they need help!
Elijah by e-mail.

Dear Elijah,
Any rational person would understand your frustration, but the truth is that this really isn’t any of your business. That doesn’t mean you should stop caring about what’s going on with your family, but you need to have reasonable expectations about your need to control, and in this case, it is zero! I can assure you that since your brother has a child now, your parents are subject to ‘emotional extortion.’ At this point, your brother has a tremendous leverage over them. If they were to ask him to leave – and you don’t know if they’ve already tried – he might make them believe that by kicking him out, they’ll be kicking out their grandson too. If your brother is guilt -tripping your parents, they’re stuck.

It’s not unusual for the ‘good’ child to get less attention and love from parents than the bad one.  It’s justifiable that you want to be heard. So, go ahead and tell what you wish they would do if you haven’t done that already. But the minute you finish explaining what’s on your mind, you need to let go.