•Says any child born in the 70s and 80s in Nigeria needs therapy

•Warns: Targets can develop mental problems, suicidal thoughts

By Josephine Agbonkhese

There was widespread outrage, last Tuesday, after a video of a female student being repeatedly bullied by her co-students at the Lead British School Abuja appeared in the social media. In one of the scenes, a female student is seen slapping a victim while colleagues laugh. In another, the victim is seen being interrogated in a traumatising manner. The incident has sparked concerns about bullying in educational institutions in the country.

Sunday Vanguard sought the opinion of a renowned parenting expert, Wendy Ologe, on bullying in Nigeria. For the record, Ologe is the Founder, Intentional Parent Academy, an international coaching outfit dedicated to equipping parents with skills necessary for raising an excellent child. She is also the author of over 15 bestselling parenting books and dozens of other parenting guides. In 2021, Ologe was named one of the Top Female Coaches in the world by the Divine Purpose Magazine, US, and has been featured on FOX, NBC, ABC, CBS News, Christian Broadcasting Network and the TBN among many other international media. Wendy, who also runs an online community on Facebook called the ‘Intentional Parent’, represented Africa at the Facebook Global Parenting Panel in 2019 at the Facebook headquarters in California, USA.

What came to your mind when you heard about the bullying incident at the Lead British International School in Abuja?

The first thing was that all the children involved are victims of poor parenting. They have parents who have not done their due diligence. Parents have a responsibility over any child that is less than 18, and in their care. The children were obviously raised in an environment where fear and violence are the order of the day.

The foundation is the way we are parenting our children. We have this popular misconception that physical discipline is rooted in the African culture. So, whenever anything happens, you find that one of the things we use is physical discipline. Our children do not therefore know what else to do or use when faced with a problem.

On the other hand, the child who was bullied is a child who probably has been in a space where she sees being slapped in that way as “okay”. People think she exhibited self-control, but that’s not true. That was ‘Fawn’, one of the four responses (fight, flight, freeze or fawn) to danger. Fawn is the fear response when the brain decides to try and please whoever is triggering fear, to prevent them from causing harm.

Who is a typical bully?

 A person who habitually seeks to harm or intimidate those they perceive as vulnerable, is a bully. You will agree with me by this definition that most Africans — in fact, Nigerian parents, are bullies. That’s the conversation we are, sadly, not ready to have.

Are you saying non-Africans do not bully?

 I cannot speak for an environment I do not have wide data for. I am Nigerian and have visited all the 36 states in Nigeria. I speak for Nigeria. I have been able to survey parenting systems in the different areas of our parenting. I have, however, been privileged to travel really wide.

I remember being in Germany and I didn’t hear children crying or throwing tantrums. They spoke to their children in calm tones and children responded same way. I have been to the United States, Asia, UK, and all the continents in the world, and I can tell you for free that our parenting system needs a lot of attention. I have also been privileged to represent Africa in the United States on parenting panels, and one thing I can assure you is that we are still in a place where we do not see that the child is human, but think that being an adult gives you the right to intimidate another person.

We still do not understand the place of “guiding”. Physical discipline is not an African culture but one actually rooted in colonialism. Studies have shown that hitting children contributes to domestic violence and can reduce intellectual capacity by stopping them from being able to think. The children you hit at home will definitely hit other children in school.

Where does the bully derive his or her strength from?

 One of the things that you must note about bullying is that the bully is simply preying on the vulnerable. So, it is only the vulnerable a bully can prey on. That’s why I say you can raise a child who cannot be bullied by way of positioning. The strength of a bully lies in the vulnerability or weakness of the person being bullied. The truth is, bullying is a learned behaviour; people don’t grow up to become bullies. Over time, they have learnt to use strength, insults, and whatever, to intimidate.

So, they threaten, insult, intimidate or harm others. Look at these four things I just listed. Is there any part of these that the typical Nigerian parent doesn’t do?

Many people think the victim could have fought back. Do you agree?

 There is a disposition you put for a bully to actually be able to bully you. I am a parent and have two 14-year-olds who are a set of twins; a boy and a girl. I actually had a conversation with my children on that video because they are also in boarding school.

I said to them, “What do you think happened here?” And they said: “For you to even understand how to stand up to a bully, there is a psychology required.”

We don’t teach our children to fight with their hands but with their brain and words. There are words that can be spoken that can actually stop a bully. And then if the bully comes to the point where it becomes dangerous to you, you will have to attack for self-protection.

What precisely are the effects of bullying on victims?

 The impact of bullying is far-reaching. Bully is harmful not only to the target, but even to by-standers and the bullies themselves. One of the rules in my home is that you do not stand where someone is bullied. You must stand up; ‘bystander’ is an important role in ending bullying.

Talking about effects, victims can develop anxiety, depression, mental problems, eating and sleeping changes, feeling lonely and isolated, suicidal thoughts, withdrawal from social activities and school, to mention but few.

I always say that any child born in the 70s and 80s will need therapy in Nigeria because the kinds of issues we had to go through in the name of parenting are unspeakable. Bystanders of bullying are at risk of using illicit drugs. Like target of bullies, they might also have more school absenteeism and develop mental issues as well as anxiety. They may also feel guilty or ashamed for not intervening, pulling out the bully, rescuing the bullied, reporting to higher authorities and backing up the victim’s account against the bully. Unfortunately, many bystanders do not speak up; they are so afraid they will become the bully’s next target.

How do we remedy this behaviour, especially in a country like ours?

 Number one remedy is family action. Families need to evaluate the dynamics of their parenting and see if it has contributed to the kind of humans their children have become; whether a bully or a victim. In typical Nigerian homes, children are punished for expressing their thoughts and needs. They are not even allowed to assert themselves. They get punished for saying “No”.

And the interesting thing about this is that most children had their first sexual experiences right in the home because there was a bullying system. We were thought that you shouldn’t say “No” to an adult. So, when an adult comes to you to try to molest you, you can’t stand up to them. And I usually say that a child that cannot say “No” to you at home will not be able to say ‘No’ to anybody outside of the home.

So, we raise children who are obedient but foolish. We must come to a place where we begin to raise children who can assert themselves. In my book, ‘Sex Educate Your Child Like A Pro’, I actually postulated that 80 percent of sexual predators in the system would actually get a “Go Away” if children were raised to be bold.

How can we curb bullying in schools?

 The school environment plays a role in preventing bullying or allowing it to spread.

The families of the targeted child also need to make proper arrangements that ensure bullies don’t have access to them during and after school hours otherwise they will be dealt with. If the school does not listen to the concerns of the targeted child, then it’s time to consider not having your child there.

There has to be a set rule for bullying. In my children’s school, children are expelled for bullying. There has to be a strict rule. The school will have to ensure all hands are on deck. Also, the school will also have to train their teachers against bullying students.

From the home front, how best can this be curtailed right from infancy, considering that these children are products of homes?

 One of the things we must note is that we need to learn parenting. We bully in parenting and we do not even know. It is all about modeling. My children can’t be bullied and they will not bully anybody because we don’t bully them. They understand it already. Parents and families need to know what to do. We are no longer in the era where we are parenting without knowledge.

A lot of parents do not even know that the world has switched from the job economy to the skills economy. Now, we are raising people that need to earn money with their hand, head and their heart, and if that is going to be successful, then we must raise them with the right kind of techniques— and trust me, bullying is not one of them.

Somebody told me 14 years ago that if we are going to raise our children without flogging or hitting them, they will become spoilt and useless. Last year, our 14-year-old son in a boarding school was awarded the Best Behaved Child in the whole of his school. So, raising a child who will behave well is not tied to you bullying them, yelling at them or employing violence. I wasn’t beaten by my own parents. Families need to learn how to communicate.

On the part of government, what policy reforms would you recommend?

 We do not even have policies. The first thing we need to recommend is that the policy of discipline in schools be unified. What does discipline mean in our schools? Another thing we need to look at is the training and empowerment of the people who are actually teaching and looking after our children in schools.

Government is frankly not paying adequate attention to the family unit. I wonder what we are doing; we have a Ministry of Women Affairs instead of a Ministry of Family Affairs; and we can see that our families are degenerating. To deal with bullying, all hands must be on deck, starting with the family. Part of the policies should be to make it compulsory for parents to get some parenting education and re-orient themselves. On our part as an organisation, we are currently having free summits from city to city, to create awareness on why intentional parenting is a necessity if we must save the next generation.

This Saturday, we are having one at Merit House in Abuja. We will be in Port Harcourt on May 1st, in Lagos in September, London in October, the United States in June, and several other places.

What precisely would you tell a crowd of children concerning bullying?

 If you are being bullied, speak up. Bullying is power play; the bully is just trying to power play on you. They are not as strong as you think they are. Stand up to the situation; speak up, and talk to your parents or school officials. Do not be scared. The best antidote for bullying is boldness; be bold.

Your words to school officials who fail to act when cases of bullying are reported by victims…

 The moment you do not take action, you have actually told the child that the bully is more powerful than they are. If a child summons the courage to come and report to you that they are being bullied, remember that the first thing that should come to your mind is to help that child believe that somebody can actually stand up to this.

Vanguard News

---