Dear Bunmi, I’m not in a serious relationship. But I have been sleeping with my boss, who’s in his 40s, for about four years.

I turned 30 recently and have just discovered that I’m pregnant. I have decided it would be best to have it terminated. But do you think I should tell him?

He’s not a great lover of children, as he seldom sees the two he had with a former live-in lover. I’m worried it may affect our working relationship, if I tell him.

He has also made it clear he doesn’t want things to get serious between us, as he is happy the way we are.

He says he’s not interested in anyone else and we get on really well. But I think I have always wanted more. Do you think it’s time for me to move on?

Taye, by e-mail.

Dear Taye,

What will affect your relationship? What relationship?!

If I seem to be hitting below the belt, maybe you need a rude awakening. Whatever the status of your relationship, or otherwise, I think he needs to know your situation.

If nothing else, it will show you what sort of a man he really is.

I would expect him to be supportive of your wishes and recognise his involvement in the situation and act accordingly.

Anything else would be unacceptable. You clearly want more from a relationship and I can’t blame you. Let this experience help you make up your mind.

He used me for sex

Dear Bunmi,

I met this man at a party some months back and got instantly attracted to him. I was just getting over a broken relationship and counted myself fortunate for meeting him.

He came for me a couple of times and we ended up in his flat. I even stayed the night once.

Then he told me he would be away for a while from his office and that he would call me as soon as he settled down. He hasn’t done that and it’s been almost two months since he left.

I went to his old flat and his flatmates told me he hasn’t called them either, and they weren’t sure if he was coming back. I just feel used.

He sounded so sincere.

Ganiat, by e-mail.

Dear Ganiat,

It is not really advisable to hop into a new relationship whilst getting over a broken romance. You can be very vulnerable.

It is now obvious that this man has cashed in on your vulnerability. I would forget him if I were you.

So, when next you meet a prospective lover, get to really know him before committing yourself to a relationship with him.

Don’t let this experience discourage you from meeting men who are not opportunists.

We are his secret family

Dear Bunmi,

I am a 30-year-old mother of two and my partner has refused to formally introduce me to his relatives.

Initially, he meant for me to be his second wife, but changed his mind when I first got pregnant, because his wife had a nervous break-down.

When I got pregnant again he bought us the house we now live in, in my name.

I come from a financially comfortable family and run a thriving business. But my fear is that my sons will not know their half-brothers and sisters formally before he dies.

He believes that as long as he gives me his time and money, I should be alright. But what if he eventually dies? What role would I play at his funeral?

Jade, by e-mail.

Dear Jade,

He has already pointed to the role he wants you to play in his life— that of a mistress.

When he dies, you’ll play exactly the same role as you’ve always played.

The man has shown you the amount of time he can commit to you. If you want more than that, I’m afraid you have to start looking for a man who will go the whole length with you.

ALSO READ: Dear Bunmi: My husband won’t use condom

She insists on keeping the pregnancy

Dear Bunmi,

I’m currently married to my childhood sweetheart. In the three years we’ve been married, she’s had a couple of miscarriages and is currently undergoing treatment.

In the meantime, this girlfriend I met at the beginning of last year is now pregnant. I was shocked.

I told her to have an early abortion, but she was furious, insisting she was going ahead with the pregnancy and that I should be man enough to face my responsibilities.

When my wife found out, she went ballistics and called me a heartless pig.

My mum has refused to take anyone’s side, and my wife looks a complete mess. I feel as if I’ve ruined everything for everyone.

I just can’t see a way out.

Alfred, by e-mail.

Dear Alfred,

You’re in a mess all right, but the only way through this is to face up to your responsibilities, as your mistress suggested.

You can’t force her to have an abortion, so you will have to support your child and, I hope, be an actively-involved dad.

Once your wife has calmed down, she may realise none of this is the baby’s fault. But it is going to take a lot of hard work if she is ever to forgive and trust you again.

It is sad that despite the campaign against unprotected sex, a lot of men freely indulge in it, leaving strings of unwanted pregnancies and transmitted diseases in its wake.

Did he mean all he said behind my back?

Dear Bunmi,

I have been with my boyfriend for close to three years. Our relationship has been tense over the last months and eventful.

Though he is in his early thirties, he was treated for a testicular problem which the doctor said might impair his sperm out.

He felt really depressed about it and we agreed we should try for a baby right away.

Only the other day, I overheard him on his mobile to a girl, asking her if she missed him.

He said he had tried to phone her and I was a menace always watching his every move! You can imagine how devastated I felt.

He was in the bathroom when he was making the call. I’m sure he thought I was still in the kitchen.

I want to confront him, but if it means I might lose him, then I don’t want to hear the truth!

Priscilla, by e-mail.

Dear Pricilia,

You may feel you can’t confront your man, but you have to.

You can’t go on suspecting he is having an affair, and not saying anything about it. Things will get worse between you and your relationship will eventually fall apart.

It will help to realise there may be a reason for your man’s affair. He may have panicked after his operation and rushed into a fling to assure himself he’s still virile.

Ask him to explain why he strayed and try to understand, then talk about what you need in order to get back together.


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