WHEN it comes to love-making, there’s no blue print to always get things right – all of the time. As a matter of fact, most of the things you believe you’re a deft hand at in the bedroom could be rubbish in your partner’s eyes. And with the internet giving various pointers and graphic illustrations, you need all the help you can get to steer things in the right direction. Anne, a sex counsellor believes you need to work on your self-confidence so that you feel strong enough to ask for what you want in bed.
According to her: “Women find it hard to say ‘left hand down a bit, Fred’, because they think it implies criticism. The thing to do is to lavish praise on his skills as a lover and then slip in a suggestion or two about what you really want. Say. ‘I love the way you touch my breasts, could you carry on a little bit further down the side?’ Stop faking orgasms, it’s counter-productive because you’re educating him into thinking that what he’s doing is working for you when it isn’t. A satisfactory sexual relationship can become stale because there isn’t any incentive to change things.
“You need to make a decision to do things slightly different, even though you probably don’t want to. For instance, if you usually stroke him with your right hand, try using your left. It feels all wrong at first, but you’ll be stimulating new pathways in the brain, opening new avenues to pleasure. There’s this huge misunderstanding about sexual fantasies: talking about them can be very exciting, but you don’t have to act them out. In fact, it doesn’t usually work because fantasies are so subtle and personal and your partner can never know the exact details of what turns you on. Talking about your fantasies while having conventional sex can be much more raunchy.”
You also need to give up the idea that sex has to be spontaneous to be any good. Accept that sometimes you’re going to have to plan for it, and that this doesn’t diminish the experience in any way. Try to build in variety, but check that your partner wants to do the same things as you. Just because you get turned on by nibbling his ears,don’t assume he does by nibbling yours. “Ignore what men say about their sex lives,” continues Anne, “they are such liars. Most people have a very average time in bed. There are periods when it’s absolutely pathetic, and times when it’s really quite good, and the rest of the time it’s just so-so.
“Women often find it hard to accept that sex is an intensely egotistical activity. When you’re getting to the point of orgasm, you are really not thinking about anyone else’s pleasure. Try not to feel pressurised by erections – he has them all the time. It’s his erection to worry about, not yours.
“Unfortunately, most people settle down far too young. I didn’t get married until I was 34 and I cherish the chance I had to experiment sexually.
Women tend to over-commit too quickly. It’s helpful if women masturbate, because that way, they learn how to have an orgasm, and many more women could be multi-orgasmic if they just learnt to push after the first one. Only 30 per cent of women climax through orgasm. Even if you’re married or celibate, it’s vital you literarily take things into your hands through masturbating regularly – and in a very relaxed and curious manner.”
Six years ago, Kanyi met an old flame at a mutual friend’s house.
“I’d had two children and was a divorcee. I got married when I was fresh-out of the university because I was pregnant and didn’t want an abortion. My ex too was not aversed to marriage even though he’d just started working. Both our parents supported us financially, but after I had my first child, I realised I wasn’t really in love with my husband and the second pregnancy was a mistake. When I started avoiding sex with him, I knew it was time to throw in the towel. It helped a lot when I discovered he’d not only had mistresses, he had one of two videos of himself having sex with some of his conquests.
“John was already married and wasn’t critical of his wife. But he was keen for us to get back together again, especially when our first relationship wasn’t sexual. Sex with him was another chapter in my sex life. He was patient. We talked, teased, and when we eventually had sex, it was warm and friendly, not the frenzied sessions I often had with my ex. I still see John from time to time-not for anything permanent. Just for the sex. With him my confidence has increased. If I eventually meet a prospective husband, I would know the qualities to look for in him – and he had better have them!”