DearBunmi,

I lost my husband in a tragic motor accident a few months ago. He was driving and his office associate also died in the accident. We had been married for 12 years and have two lovely children. He was just over 40 and the love of my life.

I miss him very much. I miss him romping with the children and I feel so lonely. What do I do now?

People have told me I would eventually get over my loss but I had thought when we got married, it would be forever. I know he lives on in our children, and in me, but I miss him so much I cry most of the time.

Victoria by e-mail.

Dear Victoria,

It’s futile to tell you that I know how you feel because I don’t know what it’s like to lose the love of your life prematurely. What I do know is that, good or bad, your husband is gone, and he’s not coming back.

The sooner you acknowledge this, the earlier you will begin to heal. People have their unique ways of grieving but there comes a time when you say to yourself, this isn’t going to change, and choosing to be angry or upset isn’t going to help.

The adage that says, “time heals all wounds,” is often wrong. Time itself fixes nothing. It’s what you choose to do during that mourning period that will ease your pain.

My suggestion is that you celebrate the years you two had together instead of focusing on his death and your loss.

The depth of your pain is not necessarily a reflection of your love for him.

When you got married, you had no guarantee you would have him for the 12 years you had together, not to talk of having him for life.

You have two healthy children at home and you have no idea how long the three of you are going to be in this worId. But you can all look back at the happy times you shared with their father. While never abandoning memories of your husband, give yourself permission to move on and let life be about the living.

Your husband would want the family he left behind to be happy with a focused mother. I wish you all the best.