I first met Jimi a few years back when he showed up with Labisi, a good friend, at a party in my house. Thinking he was his son, I promptly showed him where my younger siblings and their friends were. “No-oh,” protested Labisi, ‘he’s with me.” The scrawny gangly thing pushed out his chest and draped his hand possessively around his date.
It was so comical that I laughed hysterically until I saw the hurt on Labisi’s face. Could she be serious? A few hours later, he was still glued to her side, knocking back the red wine. “Auntie”, he slurred when I went to have a word, “Can’t you see how young your friend looks?” I felt so irritated I wanted to throttle him. Only my friend had this silly grin on her face that I had to give them a sickly smile. What on earth possessed her to be seen in public with this lad?
When I next saw him, it was at another party and he came over to introduce himself. I looked blank. “I once came to your party with Labisi,” he prompted. What a nerve, calling her by her first name! Yet what had it got to do with me? gritting my teeth, I asked him where Labisi was. “I don’t know auntie, “he said, pulling up a chair and plunking it next to me.
“I’ve always liked the company of older women”, he said arrogantly, “they’re more “experienced sexually, if you know what I mean. So when I met Labisi and I flirted with her, I was sure I was on to a good thing when she flirted back. She teased me that I was old enough to be her son. I said I was 28, and she said she was in her early 40s.
That wasn’t so bad. I thought, and within days, we were at it like dogs. Until I discovered she was years older than she let on”. So how did he find out? “I was rummaging about in one of her drawers, looking for a bottle opener she kept in it when I came across one of her old passports. It had her date of birth on it – and she was over 50. Can you beat that? I was so shocked that I showed her the passport and she admitted being that old. I was stunned. Dating older women is one thing, but I’m definitely not into grannies! It was like sleeping “with my own mother!
“Dating an older woman is okay, but I want the ones who still have all their own teeth.” He was getting on my nerves, but I asked him why he hadn’t thought of trying women of his own age? “They’re the worst,” he said.
Before, I met Labisi, I had this model-like girl I was dating on a regular basis. I met her at a fashion show and we started going out together. She asked me how many women I’d slept with and I told her plenty. When I asked how many men she’d had she said she was keeping herself for the right man.
That was a challenge, so I spent the next few weeks convincing her I could be the one for her. It worked. We bonked each other senseless for weeks. It was fantastic – I couldn’t believe a novice could bonk so well, but I was already in love with her. I foolishly thought it was the start of a beautiful relationship until the “night I stayed over.
I’d done that a couple of times. She had this one bed flat that was like a love nest. We’d had amazing sex after a boozy night and I fell asleep afterwards. Suddenly, I was being violently shaken by my girl who whispered furiously that I had to go to the toilet as her husband was around. Holy smoke! Husband? What husband? She pushed me hurriedly into the ensuit toilet and there I was in my “boxers, looking sheepish when this male voice boomed from the bedroom.
My girl whimpered that she was glad to see him after being away for so long on business trip. That she had a terrible malaria and was just going to the kitchen to make herself a hot cup of tea when he showed up. She must have put on such a convincing act because the man asked her to stay in bed, he would help with the tea.
“Whilst he was in the kitchen, my girl rushed to where I was and virtually shoved me out through the toilet window. I landed on what looked like very smelly heap of rubbish and I gave a yelp of protest. It was very dark and instead of her to peep out to find out what the matter was, she threw my clothes and shoes after me! I was in shock. There had to be a sane explanation to this nightmare I was subjected to. I don’t even want to remind myself of the gunk that clung to my clothes and body when I got home.
“The next day, when I went to her place of work, she just looked straight through me and walked on! It was then a colleague of hers that I was friendly with confirmed my girl had a sugar daddy they all knew was fond of her. So why did she make a play for me? She confessed they were all having girlie talks comparing different male physique at the party where we first met when I came in.
It was then one of the girls joked that gangly men like me were usually well endowed. They’d had a bet to see who’d be the first to find out if I really was, and my girl had won. She’d given them blow-by-blow accounts of our sexual adventure and I felt cheap – like I was a sex object.”
I was very amused by his self-righteousness. It was nice to see how men feel when the shoes were on the other feet. Women are constantly being used and dumped, but they seldom make a song and dance of it. I told him this and he agreed with me. He said he had this friend who was of the same age with him. ‘He works with a sexy posh women who was their H.O.D.,’ he recalled.
“He was full of how sexy she was that I went to his office to have a look. She was a beauty but scarcely gave me a second glance. But it was obvious she’d taken a shine to my friend. My friend said colleagues had warned him that she always tried it with every new guy. I told him they were only jealous. His boss was only a few years older and attracted to him. What had he got to lose? ‘Weeks later, my friend had cheering news for me; they’d started an affair and she was smashing’.
I tried to warn him to make the most of it and not bank on being the love of her life. He shrugged. He had his eye on the promotion he thought he deserved. He’d been passed over a couple of times but with his immediate boss now in his corner, his promotion was a done deal. Well, it wasn’t. Her boss didn’t put in the much needed word. She looked out for her own promotion instead and got it. “Now she heads a larger department and Romeo is left licking his wounds!”