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Need to placate the gods of Nigeria

By Patrick Dele Cole
NIGERIA should seek to be included in the Guinness Book of Records as the only country that has defeated all kinds of communications – telephone, radio wave communications, GSM. None has worked successfully in Nigeria; but the operators of each have made billions. Do you know that when you ring someone and the person does not pick up your call, you are charged for the call?  Anyway Nigerian air waves are populated by millions of flying objects, mostly located in the Benin/Akure axis. These objects are described as witches, or similar derivatives that fly and send millions of messages through the air.

The hapless inventors of GSM, Internet, Microsoft, and Facebook are facing problems of a congested airspace where unlicensed pilots are sending ‘Jazz’ communications to all and sundry. It is no wonder that the leaders of all Pentecostal churches see our crowded airspace and pray that we be covered by the blood of Jesus so that ‘jazz’ messages cannot penetrate. They go further and call Holy Ghost fire to burn up all these evil fliers and their ‘jazz’ messengers. The air waves are their domain and GSM and the like go to the air at their peril. You may have noticed the gradual deterioration of the GSM services and the constant blackout of our internet services. As usual Nigerians accept these failures of the GSM on something called “network”. It would seem that the spirit fliers maybe responsible for attacking the network.

Before these services, the Airline companies have tried to operate in Nigeria. They all have failed. Okada, ADC, HAKA, ALBARIKA, KABO, Nigerian Airways, Belview etc. We should ask ourselves why Kenya Airways, Rwanda, Ethiopia, Emirates etc work and none of ours work. Of recent, Virgin Nigeria, Aero, even Arik have been threatened. There may be other reasons for their failure but people have not noticed that given the crowded flying objects perhaps this is the main reason why the airlines do not work. Someone would blow ash or powder in Enugu and the person named in the incantation dies in Lagos. Has the Nigerian Army thought about these flying agents and employ them to fight Boko Haram?

I know many people would wonder how an urbanised person like myself could say such things- I am moved by the evidence before my eyes – GSM is failing, NITEL failed, the Nigerian airlines failed or are failing, our police do not seem able to solve our crimes, husbands are ‘jazzed’ into love by wives, and vice versa etc. What can possibly be responsible for this? Think about it.

In Milton’s Paradise Lost, he describes the power of the Dark Angel, (Lucifer or Satan), as nearly as great as the power of God. But the Dark Angel was consumed by ambition and rebelled against God. He was expelled. I believe he landed somewhere in the middle of Nigeria. So all the Seven Deadly Sins are alive and thriving in Nigeria. Luckily there is an antidote for all evil flying ‘jazz’ spirits. We must pray and ask God to help us expel Lucifer and his actions so that we may live again in Paradise Regained, the last in Milton’s fourth book (1671).

In divination, young boys are used to tell what the spirits are saying. This is usually because the boys are bull virgins. You may wonder why our boys won the Junior World Cups for the under 16. They may all have been bull virgins. I won’t say more. As for the senior Eagles we really have been unable to copy the feat of the Eaglets, maybe because they are no longer bull virgins. It is true we won the Olympic gold against Brazil in 1996. Brazil is a country teeming with flying spirits and deities, Ogun, Shango, and Yemoja etc. When they met with Nigeria, the original home of these deities, the result was a foregone conclusion!!

And yet the new standard answer to all our problems in Nigeria is corruption. Really? Do we need to placate these flying spirits to clear our airways which obviously seem congested? Usually these spirits fly at night but lately they claim that they also fly in the daytime, their spiritual mentor does not doubt their existence but she insists her spirits fly well above the congested airways. I was told of a village near Ekpan where NNPC wanted to give the village electricity but they refused because it would unbalance their spiritual nocturnal activities.

Okada and Arik have owners from the middle of Nigeria. Maybe the problem of the airline is spiritual: we are all witness of Bishop Idahosa’s historical and mighty fight against the evil empire. He lost his life before he could defeat them.

Normally the operations of GSM, Internet etc are precise scientific activities based on algorithms which translate letters and words into the algorithms that convey the volume of words and data. This is a scientific mathematic technology with a 100% certainty. The system may occasionally crash when it is over burdened or when hacked or someone introduces a virus into the system. To prevent this, elaborate defensive firewalls are built to protect the system. If the system is breached, this is noticeable quickly and dealt with. So also is the business of running airlines. So why do we have problems in Nigeria? We should be able to eliminate these problems scientifically.

I am merely suggesting that maybe there are forces out there that may occasionally defeat science. Maybe we should as advised occasionally think outside the box.  This is all, of course, tongue in cheek. The National Communication Commission, NCC, should be able to hold GSM and Internet companies to higher standards. It is not an acceptable level of service delivery. When they fail, the NCC should punish them until they reach best conduct standards. It is not acceptable that calls do not get through and everybody merely says it is “network” as if that is a perfectly reasonable answer to chronic inefficiency.

On the airlines, just last week EFCC denied a claim that it took N750 million bribe to clear the Managing Director,MD, of Federal Airport Authority of Nigeria,FAAN, on a charge embezzling N3 billion.  In the same week, a delegation left for Canada to secure the election of Dr. Muyiwa Aliu as president of ICAO. The delegation comprised:The Permanent Secretary, Ministry of Transport, Alhaji Sabiu Zakari, Minister of State, Aviation, Senator Hadi Sirika, Managing Director of FAAN Saleh Dunoma, Director Safety and Technical Policy, MOT, Talba Alkali, Director General,DG, Nigerian Civil Aviation Authority, NCAA, (the same authority that bought two bullet proof BMW cars for Stella Oduah) Captain Muktar Usman. These are the same set of people who want to concession our airports with no reference to BPE, the body statutorily charged with such functions. And we wonder why our Airlines and FAAN are not working!!!



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