By Aunty Julie

Dear Julie,

I met a lady over two years ago and we’ve been in a relationship for approximately 22 months. What bothers me is that our relationship has been going downhill since the beginning. Lack of communication and commitment seems to be our main problems.

I work off shore most time and that is when most of our problems occur. Even when I’m home, she has to go to work in another city which is the city right next to mine. It’s not a far distance but we manage to see each other as often as possible. Lately we’ve been talking about breaking up, but the problem is we fear being alone. She doesn’t want to be alone and neither do I. Should we just break up?

Ernest, Port-Harcourt

Dear Ernest,

What you are having with your beau are two big obstacles — lack of communication and commitment. But I have a few questions: why are each of you so afraid to be alone and what do you mean by lack of communication?  And, again, how come this lack?

Let’s start with being alone. I find people have difficulty with aloneness when they are anxious and they have to distract themselves continuously. Two, when they are not feeling good about work or their social life or when they have not developed any creative outlets to occupy their time. Perhaps a problem with Attention Deficit Disorder or too many hours watching television may have to do with people who do not have one or two close friends they can share genuine issues and emotions with or people experiencing unrecognized depression.

Let’s not minimize the 22 months the two of you have been together. That’s a significant period of time, even if the relationship has been sliding downward for awhile. You both may need the help of a friend, family member or teacher to help you grieve the end of the relationship. It doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. But clinging to each other out of some dysfunctional fear will just block your ability to emotionally grow and fully move on with your individual lives.

Often, many adults have several unfinished emotional issues and conflicts with their families of origin. These can linger and can contribute greatly to communication difficulties. Your current partner is a catalyst for stirring up your old emotional “hot button” issues that predate her. And being unfinished emotionally with family also correlates with being unsure of one’s self-esteem and sense of identity. This vulnerability will certainly make commitment a daunting prospect.