Dear Bunmi.

I met and fell in love with a man who is a couple of years younger than I am; then married him shortly after. I’m in my early fifties and my four grown-up children were against him from day one because they didn’t feel enough time had passed since their dad died.

My current husband is not an easy man to get along with. He was made redundant just after we got married and is into contractual business that doesn’t seem to be bringing in anything substantial.

Sometimes, he frightens me, accusing me of staring at other men when we’re out or insisting I’ve said something when I know I haven’t. If I disagree with him, he goes berserk. Most of the time, I take it, but every now and then, I have to run away. Then we miss each other and I end up getting back to him.

We’ve split up some eight times already because of the rift between him and my family. In fact I’m currently staying with my eldest daughter as I write. My family says he’s dangerous and spineless and that I shouldn’t even think of going back. What do you think?

Uju

By e-mail.

Dear Uju,

I don’t think you should go back to the life you were living, but that’s not to say your marriage is over. It sounds as though its never really had a chance and your husband’s tendency to control everything may be worse because of your family threatening to come between you.

It’s time for a new start for you all. Begin by getting your family together and telling them that you’re going to try and sort things out and need their help and not their interference. Then make an effort to talk to your husband or arrange for people he respects to counsel him.

If you can’t live together, then you should move to a neutral residence away from your family. In the meantime, make a vow that you will be happy whatever it takes. Since your first husband’s death, you’ve been hounded by everyone, now start making your own decisions and abiding by them.