By Yetunde Arebi

Hi!
A few weeks ago, I published a story about a friend who recently discovered that her husband was raising another family besides theirs. Typically acting like a normal woman would, or rather is expected to, Bisola began threatening hell and brimstone, wailing as if her world had collapsed. Akin had betrayed her love and their marriage vows and she would disgrace him. How? I had asked. Has Akin done anything extraordinary? If his other family would affect their marriage, would it not have done so all these while? Why is she suddenly now afraid of this stranger that has been her husband’s friend for several years and had done her no harm until she discovered her existence? So, what really were Bisola’s fears, polygamy or something else? I therefore asked our dear readers for their opinion on Bisola and Akin’s problem as well as other questions especially if polygamy is really a bad practice. As usual, I received quite a number of mails and as promised, I intend to publish as many of them as possible, if not all. Who knows, some of the articles might even trigger another angle to this discussion. Please feel free to do so, if you still wish to participate in this debate. Do have a wonderful weekend!   

I can’t but thank you wholeheartedly and sincerely for your thought provoking, robust, incisive and exemplary response to Bisola’s unreasonable complaints. I’m a Lawyer by God’s grace and a practicing one with specialty in family and matrimonial matters. I strongly believe that it is high time we all realised the import of our differences in beliefs, reasoning and perception about life, relationship and interactions.

The reality on ground today gives everyone to live life as he or she wants and when the after effects of our actions or in-actions come to play, we should be bold to accept the outcome. No doubt, the problems between Bisola and Akin started long ago and the effect of the crisis was made known to Bisola when she found out that Akin had mistresses. The time has come for us to face the realities of life occasioned by greed, lust and economic in-dices. We all pray that we will be truthful in our dealings with our relationships so that when the unexpected finally happens, we would be ready to bear the consequences.

To me, polygamy is not bad and should not be condemned. Thank you so much.
E. Olu-Alade.

Before answering this question, I want you to take a look at the family of Chief Razak Okoya, The Ooni of Ife, Oba Tejuosho, Oba Akiolu of Lagos and those of many rich and even not so famous men with three or more wives. Is polygamy bad for their wives and their children? I agree that they will all have their own peculiar problems but that is the way life goes. Every relationship or marriage will have their own problems, whether monogamous or polygamous. However, as in the families cited above, the richer the man is the greater his capacity to take care of the women and their children. And so the better the game for them. In my own opinion, polygamy is simply the game of the rich. If a man cannot afford it, then don’t venture into it. On Bisola and Akin’s situation, she will be making the mistake of her lifetime if she hands her husband over to the other woman. If this woman has not harmed her up till the moment she discovered, I doubt she would, now that she is already a wife by traditional standards. Yetunde, thank you for your thought provoking articles. More grease to your pen.

Ajibike

Hello!
First of all, almost all men like having as many female partners as possible. They have that natural penchant to be with scores of women. If we forbid it because of some Bible teaching, we only create problems, including unfaithfulness, because men, generally speaking, will still go out to satisfy that desire to be with many women. Let’s give men the unhindered chance to do what they enjoy doing – keeping many women as partners.

Second, polygamy promotes individual rights and freedom. It is obvious that everyone wants to be free to associate, choose, decide and so on, and this applies to the practice of polygamy. The decision to practice polygamy should be left with the individual; it is a personal decision that no person or institution should interfere with. If a man wishes to practice polygamy, or if a woman wants to live in a polygamous marriage, the decision should be left with the person. No one should deprive that individual of this right. To do otherwise is to trample upon the right of the individual to choose what is good for him.

Third, polygamy helps to prevent or minimize adultery. Since, generally speaking, a man enjoys having multiple sexual relationships, or since a man is more likely to cheat on his wife, if a man is allowed to have as many wives as he wants, he will have no, or less, need to practice extra-marital sex. Having only one wife creates a condition for the temptation to cheat to flourish.

Polygamy can help solve this problem.
Fourth, polygamy is part of some culture. By practicing this form of culture, the people feel proud and dignified. Why should some people feel that their one-man-one-wife culture should be more acceptable, or is better, than a one-man-many-wives culture? Is this not what we call ethnocentrism?  It is this ethnocentric tendency that has caused many unique cultural practices to be destroyed completely. We must not allow this to happen to polygamy. We must protect our culture.

Fifth, polygamy was practiced by great men of both the Bible and the Koran. Abraham had more than one wife. Jacob had more than one wife. David had more than one wife. Solomon had more than one wife. Mohamed had several wives. God did not condemn or punish any of these men for practicing polygamy. In fact, the Koran puts it clearly – a man is allowed to have up to four wives. Those who think that polygamy is wrong because Adam had only one wife don’t understand that Adam had no choice. If God had placed several Eves into the Garden of Eden or somewhere near it, forget it, Adam would have taken them all as wives.

Sixth, polygamy helps to reduce the number of unmarried women in a society. In other words, it brings hope to the single women among us. If polygamy is enthusiastically welcome and promoted and accepted, the number of unmarried women in our society will be less. We all know what problems most unmarried women face, don’t we? Polygamy can help solve these problems. You see what joy and balance polygamy can bring to a society?

Seventh, polygamy helps men with leadership ability. Most men and women know that women are one of the most difficult creatures to deal with in this world. So, for a man to control a home of three or four wives with different backgrounds and behaviour, for example, is a great leadership responsibility. And if a man can successfully manage this, then he’s most likely to manage great institutions or people. If one can understand and deal with women easily and successfully, then he has great management and leadership skills.

Eighth, polygamy teaches a man to learn how to be patient. Many of us know that patience is a great virtue. Most of us also know that women do all kinds of things that annoy, infuriate or frustrate men. As mentioned in the previous argument, women, generally speaking, are troublesome creatures. If a man who has two or three wives can learn to keep them in his life for years, in spite of their troublesome nature, then that man has obtained one of the greatest virtues of life. Do we need impatient people in our society, or patient people?

Ninth, polygamy is good in that it proves that men have a humanitarian spirit in them – they want to help others. We all know that, as experience has shown, it is the man’s responsibility to provide for the home. So, imagine a man who has four wives, each having three children. If this man can willingly, readily and ably provide food, clothing, shelter and other things for the four women and their children, isn’t he helping to sustain humanity? Isn’t he a humanitarian? Do you know what would happen to those women if they had no one to help them? This is the humanitarian side of polygamy, and it is another reason why we should support it and encourage both men and women to welcome and promote it.

Finally, polygamy, like prostitution, is an age-old normal human practice. Polygamy has been with us for ages. It started long before the Flood of Noah came. Some say that the first man to have ever practiced polygamy was Lemech, a man who married two women. It has been practiced since that time. Let’s not frustrate its continuation.

To conclude, there are many good reasons why polygamy is a fantastic practice, but because of time and space, only ten reasons have been proffered. Indeed, supporting polygamy is a sensible thing to do because men already like having many partners, it enhances personal freedom, helps to prevent or minimize adultery, is an integral part of some culture, was practised by great men of Christianity and Islam and other religions, helps to decrease the number of single women in society, helps men with leadership ability, it indicates that men are humanitarian, and it is a normal human practice.
Olugbenga Oguntayo

If you wish to have your contributions to issues raised on this column, write to me via e-mail address: [email protected]

Cheers