Dear Bunmi,

Last year, I started a relationship with a divorced mother of two who is over ten years my senior and a woman of substance who has helped me a lot in my career. In return, as I don’t have money to lavish, on her, I help see that her kids get taken to schools, help wash her cars and run other errands for her.

She has a group of highly sophisticated friends who look at me with disdain. They believe I’m a gold digger and refer to me as “small boy” when they think I’m not listening. I might not have money to throw around but I’ve paid my dues with her. On the odd occasion when her drivers left because of her sharp tongue, I’ve had to ferry her around town to her various meetings.

I’ve found a girl that I would love to get married to. I’m afraid to tell her in case she pulls out of the business we now run and into which I have invested heavily. My new girl knows of her but is quite unaware of how deep we’d gone. She wants a lavish wedding but I’m afraid that if I agree, my lover could turn nasty.

Robert,
By E-mail

Dear Robert,

It’s obvious you can’t get married to this older woman and the earlier you started planning your life without her, the better for your future.

As you rightly said, you’ve paid your dues in this relationship and I believe the decent thing to do here is tell your “benefactor” your wish to get married. Let her know it has nothing to do with her and the respect you have for her. You need to be careful not to be too confident to get her annoyed and deal you uot of the business.As for her friends they are the least of your problems and if you do decide to get married, that would put paid to any interaction you would have with all of them.

You did no wrong by falling for a much older woman and you should be free to call things off to enable you move on with your life.

He finds condoms too fiddly

Dear Bunmi,

Making love with my boyfriend is a nightmare. The fore-play starts off well and we both get aroused and ready for sex. But as soon as we reach for a condom, my boyfriend loses his erection. It’s been like this for months and it’s so frustrating. Now we’re starting to avoid sex because it’s too much hassle.

Apart from this particular issue our relationship is loving and fulfilling. I’m keen on using condoms as I don’t want to get pregnant or catch any disease, most especially AIDS. How can we deal with this problem?
OIuchi,
By E-mail

Dear Oluchi,
Well done for wanting to protect yourself. Instead of reaching for the condom when you’re both aroused, why not make it part of foreplay and slipping it on as soon as your man is aroused?

Alternatively, you could have yourself tested for sexually transmitted infections. Go to the nearest health-centre to you and ask them to check you both if you don’t have your own doctor. Once you have the all clear, you’ll be free to use a non-protective form of contraception such as the pill, which won’t interrupt your love-making.

My detective work paid off!

Dear Bunmi,
A few months ago, I found a business card with a girl’s name and phone number in my man’s wallet. It was someone in his office and I suspected instantly what was going on. The next time he went away on his numerous business trips, I rang his usual hotel the day I knew he would leave for home. I told the hotel I was his secretary and I needed to know the name of the colleague he’d stayed with so that I could process their receipts.

“It was a shot in the dark and I was surprised when the receptionist fell for it. She gave me what I wanted and the silly girl hadn’t even changed her name. I later phoned the girl in the office and she was so surprised she told me all that was going on. When my husband tried to bluff his way by denials, I told him his girl had confessed. He just shrugged.

He now wants me to turn a blind eye on this affair. I can’t do that but I can’t leave either. There are our three kids to consider and I want to keep the family together for them. I saw the other woman a few weeks ago. She’s 20 years younger than my husband – tall, slim and attractive. I don’t know what she sees in him. But despite it all, I still love my husband and I’m going to fight to keep him.
Kemi,
By E-mail

Dear Kemi,
It’s good to see you have made up your mind on exactly what you intend to do. The excitement of an affair really is concealment. Now that you’ve blown the lid off his affair, see how far your man will go with his bit-on-the-side. His girlfriend would one day grow out of his excuses for still sticking with his wife and look for a younger man who would offer her marriage.

In the meantime, keep building a good home for the family and get on with other important things in your life.

It is bad enough discovering that your husband is having an affair and quite heart-wrenching when he refuses to give her up. With a lot ofpatience, this is one storm you’re bound to overcome.