Dear Bunmi,

I work in a small office with a staff of 12. We’re all very friendly and I’ve been with the company for 12 years. Five years ago, a man in his 50s joined us. He lives on the next street to mine and didn’t have a car. I gave him a lift  from time to time. At Christmas and Valentine day, he would buy me small gifts to thank me. Two years ago he bought me an impressive gift that I helped him to pick out as he said it was for his daughter. Over time, he kept buying me more gifts, saying they expressed his gratitude.

I had always felt sorry for this man because he lived alone. Then, some months ago, he told me he was in love with me. I told him firmly but kindly that there was no way we would get together but he started trying to give me money towards my rent and car. He also began asking me personal questions. I know now that I should have put a stop to this but I still felt sorry for him as no one else had much time for him. A few weeks later, he started saying that he wanted to touch me and couldn’t control himself much longer. He said I should move in with him and have his children. He said I’d be free to do whatever I wanted as long as I was with him.

I decided to avoid contact with him and stopped the lifts. Someone asked me why I wasn’t giving him lifts anymore and all hell broke loose. Everyone at work supports me and a few had told him off. I’ve recently started a new relationship with someone my own age who works for the same company. He knows a little about this man and has offered to have a word with him. But that might start trouble. This older man keeps putting my boyfriend down, especially regarding money. I’ve told him I can’t be bought, but he seems to think his patience will payoff.

He also says things in front of strangers that imply we’re a couple. This is all starting to get to me. He retires at the end of the year, but what do I do until then?

Dora,
By E-mail

Dear Dora,
You need to tell your ageing admirer the simple truth. In other words, you have to be cruel to be kind. The man sensed your gratitude when he gave you gifts, allowing himself to believe his increasing generosity might make you love him. He’s obviously lonely and hopes you’ll be his soul mate and he feels somehow cheated when another man cuts in.

You need to let him know you like him a lot as a colleague but you don’t fancy him and never will. He currently feels confused, hurt and embarrassed by the sudden rift that has emerged between you. But he needs to build a new life for himself with a partner near his age.

Don’t be hostile to him however, and let him know you’re still his friend.

Fear of retirement and loneliness is obviously making him desperate. Encourage him to go out with both male and female friends so as to boost his social life. If you can, seek out his daughter to help. Friendship is something we all need as long as it’s not taken to mean something else.

His best friend is hitting on me!

Dear Bunmi,
I currently live with my boyfriend and his best friend is a pest. He virtually lives in our house. I don’t feel I can say anything because they’ve known each other for years. But recently his pal has started brushing past me in the kitchen and making suggestive remarks whenever my boyfriend is out of the room. He hasn’t made a pass at me but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. Do you think I should tell my boyfriend?

Remi,
By E-mail

Dear Remi,
You have two dilemmas here – how to reclaim your home for yourself and how to get rid of this pest of a best friend. I believe you can kill two birds with a stone without having to tell your boyfriend. I know he hasn’t made a pass but the body contact suggests he’s building up to something. You need to deal with this now – and the only way of doing that is to get him out of the house. You need to make him feel as uncomfortable and unwelcome as possible. Don’t offer him food or drink. Use the grinder when he’s slumped in front of the TV. Get your friends round for boozy sessions from time to time.

On a more serious note, you shouldn’t let him get away with this sexual bullying. Nervous laughter will only encourage him. Instead, stop whatever you’re doing and turn to face him. Tell him: “How do you think your friend would feel if he saw that? Shall I get him in here and ask him?” You’ve got to work on your boyfriend too. Explain that you’d like some more time together as a couple without his friend ruining the atmosphere.  Offer  to cook him a romantic dinner or even better promise him a very early evening. Once he’s puffy  in your hand murmur: “Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could do this more often?”  If that doesn’t work consider telling your boyfriend. It is afterall, your house too. You have every right to feel comfortable in it. Just make sure you’re armed for battle!