By Omenesa Oruma Akomolafe
“For goodness sake, where are you?” This is with a vibrato in my voice. I was peeved to the core. The whole room stood still. People were staring at me. My husband had gone off to some room for his business, but I was stuck waiting on him.
I went through hell and high water to find our dog who was in the building with us, and he wasn’t on a leech. There was also a church service going on in this building, which I’d liked to be a part of, but I was torn between the service, looking for the dog, capturing the dog, and then finally being able to. make a phone call to my husband, since I didn’t know what room he was in. I was tired and I wanted to go home.
“So where are you?” He responded calmly and didn’t match my frequency. I felt embarrassed, and tried to play off my bad behavior in public, but the damage had already been done. I had yelled at my husband. I had disrespected him. I disrespected him in public, and of course I disrespected myself. Thank God this was a dream. But this dream was God’s warning to me.
Being married for a very long time, I have made all my mistakes. I can tell you what works and what doesn’t. There are many reasons why a man could become stoic towards a woman. Yelling at him is one of them.
HOW NOT TO TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND
- Don’t Yell At Him: If you find yourself getting frustrated, walk away. Don’t chase him. Don’t swing at him. Don’t beat him. Don’t berate him. You know that boil that tells you to keep getting heated up at the moment? That vibe? That spirit? That energy that propels you to keep running your mouth without thinking? You need to shut it off.
You shut it off by taking a deep breath. Walking away. Pray. Write. Get into your car and scream. Sit on the toilet and cry. You can even ask God why he gave you such a stubborn man for a husband. Say whatever you need to say and do whatever you need to do to get it all out of you, but don’t get it out on your man. Stay away from him until you have collected yourself.
- Find Out Why You Are Reacting The Way You Are: Many attimes it has nothing to do with what he is doing, but the way you perceive it. Your perception is scripted by your past experiences and your interpretation of those experiences. If your husband reminds you of a certain someone, or if he keeps doing things that trigger a certain response from you, then you need to focus on that CORE that is in you. That issue. That matter. It is obviously unresolved. You cannot control the way people behave towards you, so it’s pivotal for you to protect yourself and others, by knowing what triggers you.
- Now You Can Have A Conversation: You can talk to your husband calmly and nicely. The reason why it is hard for you to be calm is because you are angry. Your perception determines the intensity of your emotions. Granted he really did do something vile towards you, but keep in mind that you cannot quench fire with fire. We misunderstand to understand.
Sit down and seek to understand his own perspective. LISTEN to himself, then tell him how he made you upset, and ask him why he did whatever it is he did. Tell him you feel he is selfish or inconsiderate or completely aloof. Tell him whatever you fell. Be honest with him, but do it calmly. If you serve poop on a gold plate, somebody will eat it.
- Pray: This works like magic. When you pray, God gives you peace. He calms you down in a way that chamomile tea cannot. Prayer brings things back to the center. It puts you in a position to act like God in any given situation. What would God do? He would be kind. He would be peaceful. He would be soft spoken. When you pray, God could show you another side to the situation. You’ll be amazed.
- Be Compassionate, Intentionally: Be intentionally compassionate. Your husband’s lateness could be frustrating for him too. It could mean he has so much unfinished business. It could mean he is very hungry, yet he keeps pushing himself to meet a deadline. It could be he procrastinated and now he feels like the world is on his shoulders. He could be very tired. He could be depleted of sex. He could be completely broke, and school fees is around the corner. It could be that he is under pressure. When you settle down to observe the situation, you would see the other side to it. Now if there is no other side and your husband is just being interesting, you’ll still have to settle down until you can settle it later. Both of you cannot be mad at the same time. His behavior is maddening. You have to be sane to fix it.
- Roles: A Woman who is a leader, needs to work harder on her approach towards her husband. A woman who owns company, or a lawyer or just someone who is an authority figure, especially a woman in politics, you’ll have to master the art of speaking to your husband. You have to keep in mind that your husband is not one of your students.
He is not your staff. He is not your bank Teller. He is not your secretary. He is not your PA. He is not your colleague. He is not your opponent. He is your husband. When you get home, take off your hat, become 1. You are bth separated by work during the day. Become ONE when you both get home. If you bring your title into your home, you will maintain the role play at home. The role of Madam, Boss Lady, Engineer…..this is a recipe for disaster. Your husband is your husband. He has a position that no one else can fill. Now if you have a man who is hard to respect, then you’d need to see a marriage counselor. If you are the bread winner of the home, and he is not acting like a husband, which forces you to be the husband and wear the trousers, then you’ll have to again, pray about it, seek joint therapy and consciously wear a skirt every day.
- Wear A Skirt: I’m referring to a mental skirt. Some women are used to being the Boss in all spheres of their lives, that they have forgotten how to be women. Am I saying that women are not natural Bosses? No that’s not what I’m saying, but wearing pant suits and giving orders and being authoritarian is universally expected of a man.
When women fill these roles, granted it is needed and the results are undeniably enormous, women know how to get the job done. Nevertheless, if a woman is not cognizant of this, a wife rather, she could return to the 4 walls of her home, thinking she is still the Manager at work. She is not a Manager at home. She is not a Professor or the CEO. She is a wife. Her husband respects her accolades and accomplishments, but he could soon start blaming her credentials for her fowl behavior at home.
What many women fail to understand is that serving your husband is powerful. Having sex with him unexpectedly and being raunchy about it is very powerful. Talking to him peacefully, and being a shoulder to him is powerful. It is the greatest form of authority a woman can ever exude. It ironically maintains your authority actually. Yelling, screaming, cussing at your husband, and ordering him or bossing him around, is you chasing him into the arms of a Dove or Doves. Men want doves, not lions. There is a tendency to kill or to be brash toward a lion right? Does this make a man’s violent behavior permissible? No!!! But don’t give your husband a reason to be volatile towards you. Shouldn’t a man have self control? If he loves me he wouldn’t hurt me? Please stop that nonsense. A man has blood in his veins, just like you. Stop it!!! And by no means am I encouraging domestic violence. If your husband hits you, report him, but YOU, make sure your hands are clean. I happen to have a man who walks away when I start my foolishness. But why be foolish in the first place?
- Find A Good Time To Talk To Him: When he is angry is not when to talk to him. When he is hungry is not when to talk to him. Preempt him that you would like to speak to him later on, but don’t be standoffish or acting weird as a sign that you are ticked off. The situation is the situation. The situation is not the marriage. It is an issue. Your husband is not the issue. Act normal, and be normal until you have time for the conversation. Talk to him when he is well rested. When his belly is full.. Some men listen during sex or after sex. You have to know what works for your husband. Whatever you do, please don’t try to have a serious conversation when his head is in flames. It would be counter protective.
- Surround Your Home With Peace: Classical music, Sweet fragrance, Soft music, pleasantries, bright colors, encouraging quotes. When your environment is peaceful, it would be very hard to become a storm within it. Your atmosphere plays a huge role in your responses. Is this strong enough to curb a reaction from you? Maybe not so strongly, but it helps. When you have brightness around you and positive quotes, it keeps your mind stayed brightness, which will play a role in what comes out of your mouth and behavior.
- Be Patient: If your husband is anything like mine, he would say, “Okay I have heard you”, or he would say, “I’m sorry about that”, and that’s the end of the conversation. Sometimes he would want a long conversation, but most times, he would respond with a one liner. It used to annoy me, until I realized that he ponders on what I say. His short response is always the beginning to a very long discussion, usually initiated by him eventually. So say your piece peacefully, and allow him to brood on what you have said. Don’t try to force an answer or feedback out of him. Men are not wired that way. They reflect, and reflection takes seclusion and time.
Men are already like an onion, very tough to figure out. They leave you with the work of having to dig layer after layer after layer. It behooves on you to be wise in your approach towards your Boss, Friend, Brother, Father, Uncle and your husband. There is a tendency to go a life time without knowing every layer about them, so you might as well do yourself a favor by not adding another layer to them by your abrasive cadence.
Omenesa Oruma Akomolafe is a Chancellor of Emotional Healing University, Entrepreneur, Founder of P2 Int (An Emotional Support Group for Men & Women) and singer wrote in from New York City, United States of America.