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Fiery insecurity and protectiveness

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By Francis Ewherido

In my bachelor days, I had two female friends, platonic friends, for emphasis. Just one outing with each of them and the red flag was so scary, both relationships never developed beyond that, even though they were stunning beauties (I loved stunning beauties) and we were great friends. There was a third female friend whom I had the same kind of still-birth relationship with. She came to see me in the office one day. A female colleague wanted my attention; I excused myself to attend to her. As I was leaving, I heard “Frannnnnk” behind me.

I’ll not be at baby Archie’s christening – Serena Williams(Opens in a new browser tab)

That “Frannnnnk” meant “how dare you leave me to attend to or be with another woman.” In her foolish and blind rage, she forgot I was at work. I turned in shock, saying to myself, “you do not own me and you are behaving like this; what if you do own me tomorrow, I am finished.” That day, I made up my mind that this relationship would never get off the ground and it never did.

Many married people are currently in prison, not marriage. Their spouses’ level of suspicion borders on paranoia. They cannot stand with somebody of the opposite sex without getting hostile stares or outright rebuke; they must disclose and explain every telephone call they receive and reveal details of conversations. They almost need permission to make phone calls. The details of every outing must be disclosed. When they get back from work, it is not enough to respond “good” to the question, “how was your day.”

The spouse must give a blow-by-blow account of how his/her day went, who they talked with, who they went out to lunch with, who entered their office, whether or not they went out of the office for business and with which colleague(s). If they go out for business often with a particular colleague, that colleague must be thoroughly investigated via social media and checking the spouse’s call logs and messages if the opportunity arises… the madness just goes on and on. That would have been my experience with any of these three and I was not ready for that imprisonment, so I got out before we got to the stage of preliminary commitment.

Unfortunately, some people either did not see the red flag or saw but ignored it during courtship, that is, if they had a proper courtship at all. Today, they are in prison and it is not funny. There are few things worse than marrying an insecure spouse turned maniac. The problem is with them, but they want you to adjust your lifestyle to that of a prisoner to fit into their weird and crooked expectations. Insecure spouses are the ones who need to fix their lives.

Often they need help; somebody needs to help them dig into their lives and get to the root of the insecurity. It is a mental sickness and they need therapists, counsellors and/or psychologists to cure them. It is easier to deal with if it is the woman who has the problem. It is tougher with husbands because they are “the man of the house,” with gargantuan egos. They see admittance of the problem as a sign of weakness. How do you then find a cure for the problem you live in denial of.

You see some households where the man is not earning enough, he needs help, yet he will not allow his helpmate, his wife, to work and lend a helping hand. “I can cater for my family,” yet you are falling behind in your financial obligations. They are scared that if their wives pick up jobs, they cannot monitor them anymore. When you are at work, do you know what she does at home? If you like, employ bodyguards to guard her. In no time, the bodyguard will become her lover. Are the bodies of these muscle-bound bodyguards made of iron and steel? “No be ordinary flesh?” How many men can resist the sight of a beautiful naked woman when they are all alone? Joseph in the bible fled; how many men have the presence of mine and inner strength to flee such temptation. Often their legs are weak to take them from the scene.

My own policy is if you cannot trust me, leave me alone. I am your spouse, not a prisoner, a citizen of a free world. I am rationale enough to know when to draw boundaries. I also have a God I cooperate with to guide me. You have no right to make me miserable. I married you to complete my joy, not diminish it. You need help, you are insecure. Let us talk about your insecurity. If we cannot solve it in-house, we get professional help, but do not pull me down.

If you find today’s column useful, to God be the glory, but it is meant for a certain madam, who is driving her husband crazy with her distrust and insecurity. I hope you are reading this, madam; you are crying wolf where none exists. You are joking with your marriage. You are pushing your luck too far. I have known your husband for a while; he is decent man, a good father and a good husband. I can assure you there is nothing to worry about in your marriage, except your paranoia. Your siblings are younger and cannot call you to order, your mother is too scared of you to tell you the truth and your father is not around anymore to caution you. Get help, you need help. Your insecurity was always there, but it has gotten out of hand.

You are there in your office wondering what your husband is doing in his office, or whom he is talking to, or if he is having an affair. He has a right to also suspect you, but he is not because he trusts you to respect your marital vows. That is what he also expects from you: trust. During courtship, you were suspicious; now you are 10 years in marriage, you are still suspicious. Meanwhile, you have not found him wanting for once. Don’t you think it is time you gave him the benefit of doubt and trusted him? Your marriage is on the brink because of your maniacal insecurity. Get help before you ruin your family. If your husband gets to the point of no return, he would walk away from everything, including the children he loves with his last breath. It will be tough for him, tougher for the children and toughest for you.

What a man needs most in marriage is his peace of mind and you are denying him. Retrace your steps, madam. Time is running out. I protected your identity, but you know you are the subject here.

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