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Re: Popping the bubbles

By Yetunde Arebi

Hi!

I love reading from readers. Either positive or negative, it is a confirmation that one is being read and that the effort is not wasted. It also prompts me to want to do better with each edition granting the grace. So, for all those who reached out to me in response to my article titled ‘Woman, pick your battles’, I say a big thank you.

For those who expressed mix feelings and accused me of asking women to accept their husband’s extra marital affairs, I say you got it wrong. That was not the import of the story and I will address it in due course. Just hang in here with me.

Remember that we went down memory lane a few months back when we discussed about our first sexual experiences, how they happened and how we felt afterwards? Well, the two contributions are part of the feedback I received from it. I picked these two from the bunch because they had a different twist to the subject discussion. Many years after the act, has it influenced or affected your lifestyle in anyway? It is needless to write too much on these two messages. I implore you to just read and make your deductions.

Please, do feel free if you still want to share your experience/views/opinions with me on this or any other issue raised here. My contacts are as stated atop this page. Will look forward to read from you. Thank you.

Dear Yetunde,

This piece is a very funny and interesting one. You will not believe that it created a big discussion at our office when one my colleagues drew our attention to the stories. Though I had read your column    a few times, I had not thought of sharing it with anyone, not to mention writing a response at the time. However, after the great debate at the office, I decided to quickly use the opportunity to drop this few lines.

Let me first share my brief experience with you. I guess that like many young girls, I was lured into it by peer pressure. I went into the University at the age of 18, a virgin, though not a novice. I had a boyfriend, but we had never ventured beyond the usual petting and kissing. Whenever things had gotten too heavy, we were always cautious and ready to call it off. It was tempting, but the situation at the time did not permit that we could do things differently. We were always either at his parents’ or mine and that meant that there were always other people around us. So, by the time I got to the University, I still had not experienced the real thing.

As expected, this was where I met several other girls and you can imagine the sort of discussions that would go on in such a circle. Each girl came with her own story, some wilder than you can imagine. The fact that my boyfriend and I got admission into different Universities now made things even more difficult for us. I would watch as each girl rolled out vivid stories of pleasurable experiences after another. It was like attending a tutorial session almost every night. All of them had something to say except me. At the end of our first semester, I had resolved that I will not come back to school without an experience to share. That was how I went home and practically had to lure my boyfriend into it. I said practically because it was not that he was unwilling, but he did not understand why I was ready to risk everything all of a sudden.

Unfortunately for me, I was only interested in doing it, and not interested in taking care of the risks involved. I returned to school to discover that I had bitten more than I could chew. I was pregnant on my first actual attempt, my boyfriend had also returned to school, meaning that I was all alone. I was forced to confide the strange things that were happening to my body to my room-mates. They became my backbone, providing support and strength for what was to happen. One of them knew the doctor that performed the operation and together, they took me through the rest of the tutorials I would need for my newly adopted past-time. Yes, past-time because after going through the full circle, I had become a new person. The next three years saw me through several boyfriends and  Aristos  as we all engaged in the usual runs on Campus.

I don’t want to say more than this. What I want to draw out from this writing is not the funny side of it, but the educational side. If I had a good, solid background education of what laid ahead of me in school I probably wouldn’t have compromised my values so easily at the time. As per my experiment, (sex) I probably would have taken more precautions or not even do it at all. Many young girls fall into this peer pressure pit because of inadequate knowledge about self esteem and confidence. Again, many of us feel that once we are old enough to get admission into higher institutions, then we are more knowledgeable than our parents and older ones. We feel we are on top of our game and can take care of ourselves simply because other people are doing it.

As for my boyfriend, we parted shortly after our first real experience because the type of life style it led me into was too fast paced from the one I shared with him. Today, I have no idea where he is, even though I know his family house and he knows mine.   So, now I am an advocate of virgin till the wedding night and safe sex if you must.

Please, keep up the good work. God bless you.

Name provided

By e-mail

Dear Yetunde,

Please, I want to be called anonymous. After reading the stories of your about first time sex experience, I could not resist the urge to send you my own experience. It is something I can never forget, and it is even affecting me in my marital life now. I quite agree with the lady who said it is always best to do it with one’s husband. This is my own problem today. You see, the first person I had it with was my first boyfriend.    We started dating after our Secondary School education at 18 years and eventually had our first sex at 19. We had planned to wait till we were 21, but somehow, we just could not wait. We were so much in love with each other and we dated for seven years.

We did not really have any problems between us as such. It was his parents who said they did not approve of me as a wife for their son. According to them, I had a hold on their son and should he marry me, I will turn him into a fool. They said it was a prophet that gave them the revelation. I did not believe it but since he is their son, they knew what to do and say to him that eventually made him change his mind and started maltreating me. When I could not take it any longer, I had to summon my own pride too and with the help of my friends and family, was able to move on.

Ironically, he has since returned to disclose all that transpired between him and his parents to me and also the fact that he is not finding things easy with the lady he is married to.

On my own part, it is not that I am having any serious marital problems in my marriage. It is just that, I cannot seem to get my first boyfriend out of my head. Whenever I am making love with my husband, I will not really enjoy it until I conjure a picture of him in my head and try to believe that he is the one doing it with me. Sometimes I am surprised that my husband has not discovered what I do with my mind yet. I still think that I am in love with my first boyfriend, despite everything he did and the long years of separation between us and me being with someone else.

As a regular reader of your column, it has helped me to see that I am not the only woman going through such an experience. I got this from an article you once wrote about why women don’t enjoy sex and I was surprised to see that it is a common problem with women who have had previous intimate relationships. What I don’t know is what I will do if my husband finds out that I think about my first boyfriend when he is with me.

Please do not think that I am tempted in any way to go back to him, that is not the situation. I am a very disciplined and responsible woman when it comes to keeping to my marital vows. Even my ex-boyfriend knows that such a thing can never happen between us again, so he has never said anything like that to me. We just talk once a while. As I said, what I don’t know is if this is a betrayal of my husband on my part and what he will do if he should find out. He is such a nice man to me and our two children and I will feel terrible to hurt him in any way. Everything is just in my head, it is nothing physical. But I will be happy if there is anything I can do to put a stop to it.

I guess there are no two ways about it, if I could do it again, I will still want to do it with him. Only this time, it will be for keeps, no matter the obstacles.

Anonymous

Bye-mail


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