By Pastor Okokon Ating

…Religious beliefs

According to the scriptures, I Corinthians 7:12-16, II Corinthians 6:14-16, the Bible warns concerning problems when a believer and an unbeliever try to live together in ma-rriage. It is discovered that tensions easily occur when the husband and wife differ from each other in their religious beliefs.

If the marriage is between a Christian brother and sister but of different deno-minations, there can be a degree of commitment to spiritual things and interest in religion. The worse may be found when the husband and the wife are from differ-ent religious backgrounds.

For example, if a Christian marries a Muslim there will be discrepancies in relig-ious ideas, beliefs and obser-vations. This may bring con-flict in the union. Religion can be a binding strength or force in marriage, but when the husband or wife has different viewpoints, relig-ion can also be a destructive factor of marital union.

• SEX

Sex plays a very vital role in marriage. Where the issue of sex is handled with levity among the married couples, there you see laxity in relationship between the husband and wife being evidenced. When there is no more closeness or intimacy as it was before between the couple, quarrels complain-ts, reports and accusations become the order of the day. If this is not checked, it can bring a break in marriage or dissatisfaction.

Some of the causes of sexual diffi-culties like lack of accurate knowledge about sex by one or both spouses, fear of not being able to perform adequately, differences in sexual drive and style, insufficient opportunities for intimacy, impatience, frigidity and infidelity could create serious tension in marriage which sometimes can lead to a broken home.

Where smooth sexual functioning is not found, the above factor mentioned may be the root causes. Other problems like except-ional busyness, insensitivity from any or both spouses can interfere with sexual funct-ioning which if not settled, the marriage may shipwreck.

A woman came to me one day and said: “Pastor, I will divorce my husband, he is too troublesome.”

“How troublesome is he”? I asked her. To my amaze-ment, she said: “He always wants to have sex with me five times in a night,” and her refusal always brings about lack of peace and order in the home. The next day the husband will not talk to her nor eat whatever she cooks in the house.

“What has always been the response of your hus-band if you satisfy him up to the number of time de-manded”? I inquired.

“There is always peace and sharing in the house”, she replied.

I could only advise her that if such would bring peace and keep the marria-ge unbroken, let her submit to her husband as many times as the husband needs her, provided she is in good health.

Secondly, she should dis-cuss with her husband ami-cably with subjection and humility how many times she would be able to submit herself per night convenien-tly to him. Thirdly, in other to avoid tension in marria-ge in the area of sexual relationship, it is good for the couple to talk about it, discuss till they come to the state of compromise where one can surrender himself or herself freely to one another. Such aspect of marriage is not to be handled mechani-cally but as they are led by the word of God and the arrangement they agreed upon.

“Do not deprive each other except by mutual con-sent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come to-gether again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control”. I Corinthians 7:5 (NIV)

From the above quotation, sexual activity between the couple should completely be based on the platform of consciousness where the minds of the couple agree with each other, but not on deprivation or constraint which leads to tension. Continuous tension and refusal of each other make such marriage smells dang-er of disassociation or sep-aration.

I made mention of cultur-al treatment of sex in marriage earlier in this section. A philosopher- Sigmund Freud, in his view tried to change such rigid pattern of male dominance and female submission concerning sex in marriage.

He insisted that sex was a basic instinct which should be enjoyed by both men and women. Indeed, other phi-losopher of like-mind developed on what he said by extending the view that sex should extend to men physical act of copulation to involve the emotional responses of both partners.

That is, both partners needed to have knowledge of sex and also be involved in sex for the further dev-elopment of their relation-ship, if this is done, it will cause the couple to avoid interpersonal tension. It should be noted that both men and women are condi-tioned by their upbringing and prevailing cultural attitudes.