By Bunmi Sofola
Both of you have now given away greater and greater chunks of your life; rewriting label on your time from “mine” to ours. It’s the beginning of commitment. If this becomes a crisis in your romance, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the romance was wrong, you can have the right romance, feel deep love and commitment yet find yourself in a stage that is paralysing. The opposite is true too. Just because the two of you have no doubts does not necessarily mean that you’ve chosen right.
Poorly matched, ill-suited and immature couples can find it as easy to leap into marriage as two people who’ve learned to love and accept each other. The crisis of commitment is likely to be a reflection of your true feelings about marriage itself rather than about your partner. If you don’t have at least some mixed feelings about marriage, you have appreciated its realities. The fear of commitment is often the fear of losing control of your life. Suddenly, the autonomy of being single looks attractive.
A bad first marriage—a bitter divorce battle, poor relationship or images of either parent can all make people fight shy of commitment. According to Judith Sills, a relationship expert, there are three different options for coping with a partner’s fear of commitment.
Don’t take no for an answer: A bold strategy will only work if love, which is strong can be seen as separate from ability to make a commitment. The partner pursuing need to remember not to take reaction personally.
Convince, don’t insist: In order to convince, you need to feel what you have
is worth fighting for. The man or woman resisting commitment needs endless reassurance and persuasion.
*Give an ultimatum: The classic “take control” approach to a relationship is bogged down on the road to marriage, “marry me, or I’m leaving,” is a high risk approach. If you say it, you must have to be prepared to leave—when your bluff is called.
Finally, when you do marry, keep one important myth in your mind. Marriage is not an end point. It is a beginning. Your happiness does not depend entirely on your choice of partner life. Rest mainly on what you and your partner create. Like the relief of appreciating that much of the pain involved in forming a relationship is not meant personally, so it helps to know that much of the joy of marriage is also subject to your own influence.