By Frances Ewherido

A friend just came back from the burial of a 60-year-old man, but that is no news, sadly: Many people are dying these days without getting to a ripe old age. The gist is that the man was never married in his lifetime. Even though it is not a crime, many Nigerians view it as an aberration for a 60-year-old man to be single. It is very difficult to explain or justify. (This, of course, excludes priests and some religious personalities who have taken vows of celibacy).

As an undergraduate of the University of Nigeria in the 80s, I was traveling to Nsukka via Onitsha with some Warri market women who were going to Onitsha. From one story to another, a story came up about the son of a prominent politician who, in his 50s, was still single (He actually died much later in his 70s without ever being married). “You sure say e well so?” (Are you sure he is potent?), one of the women asked. She could not just make sense of it. And probably, even more painful to her was the fact that this ultra eligible bachelor, who could have depleted the spinsters’ population by marrying at least one, had simply refused to be hooked.

But beyond impotency one other reason why some men refuse to get married is sexual preference. Some gay men do marry women to get either family or society of their backs or to live a lie. But, as we have found out, it does not last. The truth will always come out at a certain point. Some, however, simply refuse to live a lie and stay single, but their lifestyle and the people they associate with often give them out, even if in the realm of rumours and gossips.

Some guys are single because they are fundamentally insecure around women; some have morbid hatred for women, while some have psychological misalignment among other mental and psychological problems. Unfortunately, in this part of the world, we only consider people sick when it is physical. Apart from insanity, we gloss over other mental and psychological ailments. So we may never know the real reasons why some Nigerian men turn their backs on marriage all through their lives.

But there are a few guys who are not cut out for marriage. They are perfectly normal, but probably do not want the hassles and additional responsibilities that come with marriage and family. Such people are not the subject of our discussion today. Those who delay getting married until they are as old as Methuselah are.

Many men blame their late marriage on finance. I have often asked what aspect of matrimony money is holding up. Is it the marriage ceremony or marriage itself? Money need not hold up your marriage ceremony, as we have proven in this column (https://newlive.vanguardngr.com/2014/02/budget-wedding-1). But you need a financial plan for your married life. The question is if at 50 years, for instance, you are not ready, when are you going to be ready? When are you going to have your children? Where do you get money to take care of them? Officially, retirement age is between 55 and 60 years. Okay, may be since the strength of youth “failed” you, you are relying on the wisdom of old age to earn enough to care for the children.

Some men seem to be reading the book of Genesis too much. Yea, Abraham had Isaac when he was 100 years, so they are waiting. I do not know, but may be the food Abraham ate was more natural and the environment was unpolluted. Things have changed. These days, many men get to their sexual peak in their 30s. Thereafter, they head down the hill. My belief is that your wife should enjoy the wood when it is green and live with it when it starts getting brown. But to start on a brown note…hmmm, e get as e be.

Beyond that scientists say the quantity of semen and the quality of sperm diminish as men grow older. In fact, both quantity and quality are at their best when men are in their 20s. Also, older men are not only at risk of infertility, they are also more likely to pass on genetic defects to their children. Am I trying to scare anybody? No, I just want you to know what you are up against in the choices you make.

Without digressing from the main issue, it is worthy of note that even in visa application processing, marital status is taken into consideration. A 40-year-old married man has an increased chance of getting a visa (US, UK, France, etc.) than his unmarried counterpart, all other things being equal. Why? The embassy official believes that family ties will make the married man come back, while the bachelor can bolt away. Not always so though because we have many grass widows whose husbands travelled and stayed back.

In African societies, even the Western societies too, marriage earns men additional respect. The western societies are not as debased as we see them from here. How many American presidents got the position as bachelors? You prove your leadership potentials from the home front. He who claims he will be faithful on the big stage must have shown some fidelity in small matters. Certain responsibilities are simply reserved for only married men, albeit unofficially.

What is worth doing is worth doing well. Why start married life in old age when, unlike women, it is within your control? The scriptures say there is a time for everything. While there is no universal age for getting married, marrying in your 50s and 60s for the first time is not it; a man should marry before he is 40 years (Personally, I prefer marriage before 30 years). Marriage is not rocket science, why should it take you so long to figure it out. Go to the Creator of marriage, bro. He will help you figure things out.