By Chioma Gabriel

On my honour, I promise that in this new year, I will do my best. I will do my duties to God and my country. I’m a prominent Nigerian politician. I love my country with all my heart and all my soul. I am a strong believer in the anti-corruption crusade. I believe in the brand called Nigeria and the fact that Nigeria should be re branded, but not the Dora Akunyili way.

I will never join those  who steal  billions of  Naira of public money.  I will never under any guise steal public money for 2015 elections. I will never lie to my people or deceive them into thinking that all is well, whereas all is not well.

God forbid, I will never join any campaign of calumny against anybody or be a party to  spreading rumours or lies against my fellow poli-tricians.

I will not join the list of those writing mischievous letters to the president or  countrymen.

I will not encourage Nigerians to sing the George Orwell’s song of old England in the new Nigeria. Nigeria is not an animal farm despite the mischief of those who talk about the animal called man and  who also run animal  farms in their domain where they parade sickly chickens and ducks. I have read George Orwell’s Animal Farm and I will sing a new song for Nigeria. Nigerians are not beasts and so I will not refer to them as beasts like George Orwell did in old England.

For purposes of clarity, one of the most  allegorical books I read as a secondary school  student was Animal Farm  written by George Orwell published in England  on 17 August 1945 in which he  tried, with full consciousness of what he was doing, “to fuse political purpose and artistic purpose into one whole”. I love Animal Farm and its song, Beasts of England.

Orwell wrote the book from November 1943–February 1944, when the wartime alliance with the Soviet Union was at its height and Stalin was held in highest esteem in Britain among the people. The book was initially rejected by a number of British and American publishers. It’s publication was thus delayed, though it became a great commercial success when it did finally appear partly because of the Cold War so quickly followed by World War 11. I am not saying that we politicians in Nigeria are fighting any cold war with one another.

Nigerians will never have the  beasts of England experience and in my new year resolution, I have a message of hope for the people . So, let the people of Nigeria hearken to my joyful song as evil men  in different facets of Nigeria’s life will be overthrown and the fruitful fields of Nigeria shall be trodden by the ordinary people of my political constituency. In this new year, bright will shine the fields of Nigeria and purer shall her waters be. Sweeter yet shall blow its breezes on the day that sets Nigerians free of every corrupt tendencies.

I am a politician very close to my roots. My constituency loves me and I love them because I have resolved not to use the money for constituency projects on foreign travels and building of gigantic mansions all over Nigeria and beyond. I will not buy bullet-proof armoured cars either.

Yes, I know I want a second term in office but I have resolved not to loot the treasury under my care to achieve my selfish end. I agree that virtually every body knows that the 2015 elections will be rigged but I have resolved  to make the difference. I am not saying that I will not rig, but I will rig with class.  I must do it so minimally and with sophistication. I will not snatch ballot boxes in broad daylight or sew police and army uniform for my thugs to use in scaring away people in my rigging process. I must not swear in any shrine or temple or employ university students as thugs.

I have resolved not to buy any electoral commissioner or use subtle threats against him to manipulate elections in my favour. The last time, I did something horrible which I will not do again. I threatened  the electoral commissioner, reminded him that I have the addresses of where his parents, siblings, wife and children are living.

I even told him the names of the schools his children were attending and threatened him to manipulate the results in my favour and I will do the needful. I was then conscious of the fact that he could get sacked and so, I doubled his gratuity and paid him off. I requested to know the number of years he had remaining in the civil service and I calculated the sum and paid him all.

This year, I have resolved never to do that again. I am now a born-again Nigerian and have resolved not to rig in a crude manner but in more sophisticated ways. My opponents know we all rig but the one that out rigs the other wins the election.

I will not let my opponents suffer too much by causing ASUU, NASU, medical practitioners and others in essential services to go on strike so as to make my opponents unpopular. Using trade unions against my opponents is not such a bad idea but for the peoples sake, I will try and make it less gruesome by providing alternatives so they will believe in me and see me as the ultimate messiah.

I will not do anything that will make Professor Jega look stupid in the eyes of the people because I must identify the scape-goat and get him punished even though I will settle him very well also.

As a believer in continuity, I must ensure  the next CBN governor must be made in the image and likeness of Sanusi Lamido Sanusi. If not in anything else, at least in his dress sense. The next CBN governor must always wear all the gadgets of a traditional chieftain. He could have his PHD in Traditional Religion from Okija shrine or Bible Knowledge from the Vatican.I have also resolved not to talk about Sanusi’s  letter to President Jonathan alleging that $49.8 billion oil money was missing. The full story of the missing money is now history.

As for job creation, I must ensure that all the youths in my constituency get employed this year. As 2015 is just next year, their services are highly required towards making my next political ambition a reality. All the youths must get employed! I have resolved to do that this new year.

And of course, I’m not ignorant of the fact that some people who are occupying certain positions already are not willing to leave those positions for anything. I have therefore resolved that these  youths I will  employ  remain in my domain just in case I need to make my domain ungovernable for anyone.

This year, I don’t need to be dogmatically tied to my political party in the name of party discipline, I can always get some dissidents and  together, form a new version of my party. This has become a necessity so nobody accuses me of anti-party activities or risk being written a love letter. I don’t want any former political office occupier to write me a letter. I want to do my own things my own way without castigations from any quarter.

I will not toe the line of those who decamped to other political parties because of threat of losing their domain of thievery.  I will not write any ludicrous letter like the one written to Jonathan by  former President Obasanjo on corruption et al.

I don’t know why people keep forgetting that Aminu Tambuwal is also a letter writer. The Speaker of the House of Representatives, thinks Jonathan is too corrupt to fight corruption, narrating examples to buttress his point, not missing the fact  that corruption has become a way of life under the Jonathan administration and dumping all the blames at the doorsteps of the  President. I will never indict myself  by writing such a letter. I have also resolved in this new year that in my constituency, nobody will write such stupid letters to anybody.

I’m equally aware that stealing pension funds is the in-thing. I will not let anybody steal pension funds  or deprive retirees of good life in their old age as those stolen in the past never got recovered and the culprits never got any serious punishment because as politicians, we are all guilty of similar offences. I will never accuse my fellow politicians of corrupt enrichment or outline impeachable offences when I begin to lose favour before higher authorities. It is  not because I don’t have the liver but because what goes around comes around.

As for security challenges, I will call a spade by name and admit that Nigeria and its people are in grave danger. I will not advise President Jonathan to do like OBJ did in Odi and Zaki Biam as a way of tackling insecurity in the country. In my own constituency, I will deal decisively with  people that constitute nuisance under the guise of religion or ethnicism. I will match my words with action and instead of using my security votes for something else, I will use it for the purpose for which it is voted.

No Nigerian will sing George Orwell’s songs of old England in the new Nigeria of my dream.

So help me God.