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Am I not enough for her?

By Bunmi Sofola
Dear Bunmi,
My 25 years old girlfriend is 10 years younger than me. I have noticed that her sex drive is stronger than mine because of the age difference but I’m a bit concerned about how much she masturbates. We currently live together and I caught her recently masturbating when I came home earlier than expected in the night. She admitted she masturbates at least once a day.

This is on top of the sex she has with me (about four time a week). Is this normal? Does it mean I’m not satisfying her? She says I am and she just likes doing it, but I’m not sure I believe her.
Dejo
By E-mail

Dear Dejo,
She’s right and you’re better off believing her! In one major survey nine out of 10 women over 18 admitted to masturbating. It’s natural – so natural that it’s believed humans are not the only females of the animal kingdom who do it. Female horses, cows, dolphins, cats, monkeys and baboons have all been seen to play with their clitorises or rub their genitals against things, especially when in heat.

It’s perfectly normal for your girlfriend to masturbate every day or even several times a day. It’s also fine to masturbate less or not at all! Your girlfriend seems honest enough to have come out with the truth and I believe that if she wasn’t satisfied by the sex you were having she would have told you. So assuming she’s not doing anything abnormal like staying off work to do it or has an array of vibrators, I’d relax and be proud of a girlfriend who enjoys sex and is not scared to let you know she does!

I fancy my married boss

Dear Sunmi,
I’m a secretary in love with her married boss. I’ve worked with him a couple of years now and he’s 21 years older than me. This might sound like a cliche but I have these gut feelings we have a real connection.

Apart from the official  lunches we attend together, he also takes me to lunch from time to time. Once or twice he’s even taken me to his club for drinks.

I don’t want to be responsible for breaking up a marriage but this looks like my one chance to be happy. I feel more for this man than I have felt for anyone else in a long time. Do you think I should take the risk and take things further?
Annie,
By E-mail

Dear Annie,
Why do you believe this is your one chance of being happy? Are you under the impression there’s a massive shortage of men? It’s true some men do leave their wives for women with whom they live happier lives. But a vast majority have the affair with their hot, young and eager secretaries, stay married and when the secretary starts to make too much noise about them leaving, fire her and get a new one.

This man hasn’t even said a thing yet about getting it on with you, leaving his wife or even making you a second wife! He isn’t your ‘one chance’ for happiness but a one-way ticket to misery. If working with this man is too much temptation, you might be better off looking for another job, or asking to be transferred to another department.

I don’t want jealousy to ruin this relationship

Dear Bunmi,
Ever since I first started going out on dates, my jealousy has often sent my men packing. I’m always accusing them of two timing me and I’ve even stalked one or two. I’ve always regretted this one-eyed monster that is ruining my life. I have two children from two men.

I’d driven them into other women’s arms because of my anger. In my late 30s, I’ve now met a wonderful man and I want our relationship to work. Help!
Titilope
By E-mail.

Dear Titilope,
Admitting to your excessive jealousy is a step in the right direction. Once you’ve done that, you can start solving the problem. You need to pinpoint your fear. All jealousy is down to anxiety that the person you love is going to fall for someone else. When you experience jealous feelings, try to understand exactly what triggered them.

Don’t imagine the worst as jealousy often makes you imagine problems. If you find yourself making up stories in your head of how your partner is going to leave, get a girl! Relax and stop thinking negatively.

If you think you’ve got something to be jealous of however, ask your partner about it not in an accusing way, just to get reality check. Hopefully, your partner will reassure you at this stage. You also need to raise your self-esteem. Often, you are jealous because you don’t feel good enough – you’re sure your partner can find someone better. Build confidence in yourself and you’ll build trust in your partner.

Last, work on your love and the intimacy you share, the stronger your relationship, the less reason you’ll have to feel jealous. Forget about threat to your love, instead, channel that energy into strengthening the bond you have.

Sex is all the comfort he offers

Dear Bunmi,
I’m not really happy at home as my parents are not  happy with each other and take it out on us children. I am 18 and I have a boyfriend who seems to be sympathetic to my plight. He listens with sympathy; hugs and kisses me then has sex with me. I’m furious that it’s happening, but I also find some sort of comfort in it. I just don’t know what to do. My boyfriend is 24 and has a good job.
Falifat
By E-mail

Dear Falifat,
I can see why you’re confused. You’re mistaking affection for passion. As you’re going through such a traumatic time, you’re turning more and more to him for comfort. When he steps over the line between sympathy and sex, you don’t stop him and this leaves you feeling bad.

This isn’t your fault as you’re currently vulnerable, so any physical contact seems good. But you need to tell this man clearly that sex isn’t what you want, then ensure you steer clear of physical contact with him. You could get pregnant or catch a nasty disease. All you want now is more support- from someone who doesn’t want anything physical from you. I suggest you interact with more female friends and talk to any counselor or an older relative you like.

My girl allows me too much freedom

Dear Sunmi,
For four years, I’ve had a rewarding relationship with my partner and care for her a lot. But one thing really confuses me, she doesn’t get jealous at all. She lets me go out with my mates, go to late night parties alone but never worries I might go off with another woman. Is this normal? I’m beginning to wonder whether she really loves me.
Lekan
By E-mail

Dear Lekan,
I’m sure your partner loves you. In fact she does more than that – she trusts you. She’s secure in your love, and she knows you’re not going to stray.

It’s a bit unusual in this day and age where men and women change partners at the drop of a hat- but I wouldn’t worry if I were you. Only, don’t abuse her loyalty. Don’t be tempted to have a fling, just to show you can or to get her going.

Will a change of diet cure my spots?

Dear Sunmi,
I am in my mid-twenties. Since my teens, I’ve always been plagued by eczema and the tiny scars of their menace to my skin. Recently, a friend, who is a dietician told me that instead of applying expensive chemicals on my skin to get rid of the eczema, I should change my diet. I intend to try anything to get relief. What sort of diet should I go for?
Fatima
By E-mail

Dear Fatima,
Many experts now believe that what we eat can have a dramatic effect on the state of our skin, especially if we’re suffering from conditions such as eczema, which is conventionally treated with steroid creams. One study stumbled upon the effect by accident. It was set up to see how daily food supplements could improve the concentration of primary school children.

One hundred kids were given pills containing omega three and omega six fish oil, evening primrose oil and vitamin E designed to stimulate the brains. You can plan your diet along this line and cut off fatty food and fizzy drinks.

Why can’t he feel it when I climax?

Dear Bunmi,
I’ve often had fantastic sex with my boyfriend and I climax most of the time. So whenever he asks me whether I’ve come, I feel a bit confused. As far as I’m concerned, my orgasms shake my whole body – and maybe the bed! So why doesn’t he realize or sense it?
Joe,
By E-mail

Dear Joe,
It isn’t always obvious to a man when his partner reaches a climax. The contractions may feel huge to  you, but are often quite subtle to him. Plus he’s experiencing his own pleasure and so may not be aware of hers, particularly if he’s wearing a condom. If you really want your man to know you’ve had an orgasm, try making a bit more noise – that way he’ll be in no doubt.

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