By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi
I’ve been in a serious relationship with my girl for months and I love her very much. My problem is her mother. She’s divorced from the husband but has a good business and a nice house. She’s recently started coming on to me. She waits until my girl-friend is out of sight then asks about our sex life. She’s even asked if I’d had sex with an older woman.

I tell her these are questions I would rather not answer but she takes my brush-off as more flirting. I haven’t told my girlfriend because I know she’d be upset but I don’t feel comfortable being alone with her any more. Is there a subtle way to get this barracuda off my back. ?
Vincent,
Bye-mail

Dear Vincent
I don’t blame you for re-acting the way you do. Your potential mother-in-law is completely out of order. You probably don’t want to appear rude to her but you have to make it very clear you’re not interested. If you keep on avoiding the issue and smiling while she flirts, she could think you’re giving her the come-on. Next time she starts to flirt, let her know you’re feeling a bit uncomfortable. Be kind, tell her you lover her daughter very much and wouldn’t dream of being unfaithful to her.

Don’t answer any questions about your sex life. What you and your girlfriend get up to in bed is private and I’m sure your girl wouldn’t want her mum to know all the details. When she realizes her efforts are going nowhere, she would stop to save herself further embarrassment. If the harassment continues then you must tell your girlfriend. If she finds out any other way, she might think that you started it.

I’m sure you’ll not be the first boyfriend of her daughter she’s come on strong to. Finally, it may be best to avoid being alone with her for a while until the fall-out from this settles and she learns to relate to you in a different way.

She demands more foreplay

Dear Bunmi
How much foreplay would you say is enough? My current girlfriend complains I don’t get her warmed up enough before I start sex. I’ve tried to do more but I feel stupid and think she’ll get bored. I love her and would want to make sex enjoyable for both of us.
Segun,
Bye-mail

Dear Segun
If she’s asking for more foreplay, you need to comply. Men can reach climax in a few minutes but women take an average 15 minutes – sometimes a lot longer. Tune into the messages your girlfriend is giving in bed. Listen to her and how turned on she is. Keep going until she feels ready for penetration. If you’re getting it right, she won’t be bored. Far from it!

Spend a few sensuous nights exploring each others bodies. Try to bring her to orgasm through foreplay alone and watch how she reacts. Ask her to be honest about how she feels and learn together how to create the best possible sex life.

I want to be better than him in bed

Dear Bunmi
My boyfriend and I were good friends before we decided to start dating. It has got to a stage now where sleeping together is inevitable and I want to impress him. He brags about how good he is in bed, and it’s turned into a sort of competition of who’s going to be the best lover. He’s so sure of himself that I want to bring him down by showing him I am better. Can you suggest any trick of how to make sure I come on top-literally!
Rele,
Bye-mail

Dear Rele
Is this really necessary? Looks to me you’ve declared a bedroom war and you haven’t even had sex yet! A little teasing about who’s going to be the best lover can be funny and all part of foreplay. But announcing you ‘want to bring him down’ doesn’t sound flirting – ‘and it certainly doesn’t sound loving.’ The bedroom isn’t the place to score points or prove a point – particularly when it’s the first time you’ll have done it.

I get lots of letters from readers asking for tips about first-time sex. Usually they’re about how to make it special, how to stop feeling nervous, or how to make the experience wonderful for their partner. I’ve never yet been asked how to ‘win’. If this is a relationship rather than a contest, do yourselves a favour and call a truce. Either that or have a wrestling bout. It’ll probably be more satisfying than the sort of sex you’re both likely to have right now.

I don’t want to be his wife

Dear Bunmi
I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years and we get on fairly well. A year after we met, he said he wanted to make me a second wife but I refused. I’m a divorced mother of two with a good job and a comfortable flat. My ex husband hurt me a great deal and I don’t want to get married again.

I’ve assured my man I would love and care for him as long as we didn’t live under the same roof. He was happy with this arrangement at first and spent as much as three nights a week in my flat. But all of sudden, he’s been going moody and could be quite scathing in his remarks. This makes me feel hurt and depressed. He’s a heavy drinker and I wonder if alcohol is responsible for his behaviour.
Bimbo
Bye-mail

Dear Bimbo
It sound as if you are a candidate of LAT- ‘Living Apart Together’ relationship. Lots of people – particularly those who’ve been married before – are happy to enjoy this kind of romance nowadays. Infact, it’s become rather trendy. You might be content with the way thing are with your man but it’s obvious he’s not:

Perhaps he wants you around more- or wants to be looked after by you. You need to have a proper talk about your future if you still want to be together. As for the booze, if his drinking is out of control, it may well be responsible for his nastiness. People with drink problems tend to be volatile and depressed, which may be a very good reason for your not living with him.

Should I be drinking this much water?

Dear Bunmi,
I’ve heard that the average person must drink two litres of water a day. Do you share this belief? I find drinking that much water a real pain and I’m always going to the one litre. What will happen if I don’t drink that much water?
Helen,
Bye-mail

Dear Helen
We lose about half a litre of water a day through evaporation from sweating and breathing so this is the absolute minimum to drink. There are no clinical studies that suggest two litres are necessary. Some findings have even suggested that it might be a myth made up by mineral water companies!

How much water, you need to drink depends on what you do – you need less if you work in an office than you need for a more active job. I’d suggest you listen to your body and drink when you1re thirsty.

Do perfumes have shelf lives?

Dear Bunmi
I love perfumes. Apart from the ones I bought, I have several unopened ones given to me over the years. A friend told me that I should start using all of them as their shelf lives are short.

Also, I want to know the different types of perfumes we have and are they any good apart from just making you smell nice?
Mopelola,
Bye-mail

Dear Mopelola
The average fragrance should last for up to three years, though lights and heat could affect its formula and break it down. It is, therefore, advisable to keep fragrance in the dark if possible, a cupboard away from direct sunlight.

According to experts, your sense of smell is not only 10 times more sensitive than your sense of taste but it is fast too – it takes 0.5 seconds to respond to smell, compared with 0.9 seconds to respond to pain.

According to medical reports, we can process 10,000 different odours in one square inch of brain and many of this trigger proven emotional responses.

That is why fragrance and toiletry companies use aromachology (the effects of fragrance on mood and behaviour) to make products that help you feel relaxed, energized sexy or on top of the world.

My wife’s has changed

Dear Bunmi,
After almost 15 years of marriage and three well brought up children, my wife has suddenly become born again. She’s started going to a pentecostal church. She wanted to take the children, but I put my foot down. Before she found God, we never attended any churches.

But she’s now changed almost overnight into a person I don’t know and I no longer relate to. Can we ever be the family we once were again? She seems like a stranger to me.
Harry
By Email

Dear Harry,
Do you know what prompted your wife’s conversion? People can turn into religion if they’ve been seriously ill or someone close to them had died or they had some trauma or decided to radically change their lifestyle. In these circumstances, religion is form of therapy and a passing phase that’s helpful at the time. Seldom a truer long-Iasting belief.

Even if she were once perfectly happy and simply embraced religion once she was exposed to it – it sounds very much like you’ve both grown in different direction and have stopped communicating. You need to ask her why she converted and what religion is providing that was missing before.

Let her know that while she has every right to worship whatever God she chooses, it doesn’t mean you and the children have to be converted. Let her know you love the relationship you had and feel mariginalised by this sudden change.

A lot of couples have coped with this type of change if the person who has discovered religion doesn’t try to convert the other and is happy going to church whilst the rest of the family do their own thing. However, if shes so devout that things you use to enjoy together are now off the menu, you need to get counseling. If not properly handled, this could put your marriage in jeopardy.