DearBunmi, DearBunmi,

After 15 years of marriage,  my husband and I parted ways four years ago after I couldn’t condone his numerous affairs. Six months after, I met someone else and he encouraged me to move in with him so we could save the rent on my flat. That union lasted less than a year. I later met a man whom I thought was my age mate, only to discover that he was nine years younger. A few of my friends convinced me that age was no longer a barrier these days and we became a couple.

Love

Things were going rather well until a woman showed up at our flat calling herself his wife! It was later revealed they’d been married once, separated and, thanks to both families intervening, have agreed to give their marriage another try. I feel foolish wasting my time on an obviously immature man. But I’m now lonely. I have great friends but I want a man. What am I doing wrong? Anike, by e-mail.

Dear Anike,
One thing you need to get straight is that you don’t need a man to define you. You’ve had relationships that were obviously bad for you and I urge you to think of yourself for once. You need to have a break from men. Don’t let your on/off men mess you around and draw a line under relationships for now and delete prospective lovers from your phone book!  In the meantime,concentrate all your efforts on yourself and your children. You’ll discover that the longer time you spend on your own, the stronger you’ll feel. With time, you’ll be much more confident and secure and know that whatever happens, you don’t need a man to be happy. After you’ve weaned yourself off men, when the right man comes along, you will be ready to take another chance on love. Only, this time, the desperation to latch on to any man, would have been removed.