By Bunmi Sofola

DearBunmi,
I was living with my partner of four years when she died at childbirth four years ago. She was only 28 and our child didn’t survive. As to be expected, my life fell apart and it’s been difficult to pick up the pieces. But now I think the time is right for me to move on. My problem is that I’m finding sex difficult. For a while after she died, I lost my libido. It’s only recently I can enjoy masturbation but I can’t get an erection with a woman. When I do, it doesn’t last.

In the last few months, I’ve been with as many women as I could but attempts to have sex have been unsuccessful. My fear now is that, I won’t be able to perform when I eventually meet a woman I want to be with. Please help!
Labi
By E-mail

DearLabi,
It must have been really difficult to get over the death of your partner at such a young age. The last few years must have seemed a nightmare to you. It’s great you’re now ready to look positively to the future. But while your mind is willing to start again it looks as if your body is expressing a hidden conflict about moving on. Subconscious stress or anxiety have been known to be stumbling blocks to successful sex.

Even though you know you’re ready to move on/ your body might be expressing your hidden guilt at the thought of betraying your partner. In the meantime, get a quick health check-up from your doctor. If that fails then you might consider counseling. Exploring your feelings about another relationship may help you relax.

He sends naughty texts to his ex

DearBunmi,
I recently had to use my boyfriends mobile, with his consen, but curiously peeped through his messages. To my horror, I discovered he’d been sending steamy texts to a woman called Jakie. He said she’s an ex when I confronted him and the texts are just their way of communicating. This still sounds far-fetched to me. What do you think?
Dami
By E-mail

Dear Dami,
It’s obvious you don’t trust this man of yours or you wouldn’t be scrolling through his messages. You don’t believe his excuse and now he can’t trust you not to peep at his private messages. The tone of these texts appear suspicious, though. Ex-girlfriends should be in the past and any talk should be friendly not using the language of lovers.

If you can’t genuinely believe what he’s telling you then your relationship isn’t that solid. It is now up to you really – either you give him the benefit of the doubt or you find a different partner who makes you feel secure.

Can I date my step-brother?

DearBunmi,
My mother re-married over six years ago and we moved into my step-father’s house. He has three children and I’ve always found his eldest child good-looking. He is in the university and I’m at the nursing school. I’m 23 and he’s two years older.

About five months ago, we finally agree to having mutual feelings of love and we kissed a lot. We recently took things a step further by making love. I love him so much and he feels the same. Our parents don’t know what is going on. He says we have nothing to fear as we are not related by blood. That legally, there’s nothing stopping us from getting married. Is he right?
Patricia
By E-Mail

Dear Patricia,
Your step-brother is technically right. What youre both doing isn’t  illegal because you and him are not actually blood relatives. If you were close blood relatives, it would definitely be against the law. Having clarified this you need to be extremely careful.

The fact that you find yourselves under the same roof could be responsible for such a closeness, rather than genuine compatibility between the two of you.

I would take things slowly if I were you. Ethically, the society frowns at such a union between children who are legally related. Put bluntly, sleeping with your mother’s husband’s son sucks! And If things eventually go wrong between you, going back to the brother/sister relationship you had before may be very tricky and uncomfortable.

My sister is now dating my boyfriend

DearBunmi,
I met my boyfriend at the university and we were together throughout until I was posted for my youth service to another state. Before the end of my service, I learnt my boyfriend was dating my sister and he confirmed this when I called him to find out.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t understand why these two people close to me could betray me in this horrible way. Can you explain why this happened? I am gutted.
Offiong
By E-mail

Dear Offiong,
Unfortunately, there is no explanation for why your man betrayed you except to say he was probably already drifting away from you when he got together with your sister. Neither is there any explanation why your sister betrayed you, except to say that sometimes jealousy makes relatives do the most awful things. What I can “make sense of” is why you feel so gutted. You’ve been betrayed twice, and you’ve lost not only a partner but a sister.

One thing you must remember is that none of this is your fault. They’ve both behaved terribly, but that doesn’t mean you’re worth nothing or deserve to be rejected in this way. You need to get past this and put it behind you – otherwise, you will let them destroy your life. Believe me, there are more decent people out there.

Are all women gold-diggers?

DearBunmi,
I am in my late twenties, a decent looking man with a decent job.

Unfortunately, my experience with girls wants to put me off the dating scene. They all seem like scheming gold diggers to me. I get a first date with them but as soon as they learn of what I do and how much I earn, they don’t want to know and look bored with the whole thing. Surely, not all women want multi-millionaires?
Joel
By E-Mail

Dear Joel,
It’s true there are more than a few gold-diggers out there but most men I’ve heard complain of this are using it as an excuse to hide a few obvious mistakes. First, if youre hunting at venues that are crawling with really sophisticated women, then chatting up some girls at a friendlier surrounding will solve your problem instantly.

Second, what type of girls do you fancy? If you’re attracted to a bimbo rather than going for intelligece and personality, 1 can see why you’re having problems. Finally, think about what you do on the first date. If you’re funny, kind attentive and affectionate, I can’t see a girl ditching you just because you don’t earn enough. Are you sure the problem is money-grabbing women and not that the women you meet always look bored because youre a bit boring yourself?!

I don’t mind being a second wife

Dear Bunmi,
I am in my early 20s and going out with a married man of 45. He’s quite comfortable with a couple of houses in choice areas and we don’t have to hide from his wife as she knows about his wish to have a second wife. When we are at his country house, I run everything and host parties for his friends. We’ve been together for a year now and he promised to do the wine-carrying ceremony as soon as my parents are ready.

But my parents are the conservative type who would want me to have a university education. My lover says I’m educated enough for him. Do you think I should get pregnant so as to force my parents to agree to the match?
Maryam
By e-mail

Dear Maryam,
At your age, you should know what is best for you. Being with someone else’s husband is tacky and the way you put it, his wealth is the major attraction. You not only depend on him for money, you also ask his permission to do anything with your life. No matter how agreeable his wife is to this relationship, she’s bound to be resentful and bitter.

If you feel so strongly about having a university degree, go for it.You’d be glad you did. Do what you want for a change, not what he wants! Life is too short to waste on a rich man who might go for a third wife when he sees someone younger than you!