By Francis Ewherido
A former colleague was  already well into her 30s, while her husband was just shy of 40 years, when they got married. Feeling that the biological clock was ticking away, she set about starting a family immediately. But the much-wanted pregnancy would not come.

After what seemed like an eternity, it finally came much to her relief. A few months into the pregnancy, however, she noticed she was bleeding. By the time she got medical help, the fetus was confirmed dead.

More than 20 years after, I will never forget the anguish in her eyes that morning. “Patricia” (not her real name), “what is the problem,” I asked her. “The baby is dead”, she said bursting into tears. I continued: “Very sorry about that, but have you all of a sudden hit menopause?” “No”, she responded.

“Has your husband become impotent or infertile”, I continued. “No”, she responded again. “So why are you crying? Where this one came from, others will come from there”, I consoled her.

It seemed to work because she stopped crying, took permission from our boss and went home. She went on to have children some of whom are now in the university.

“A miscarriage is the natural death of an unborn human while it is still an embryo or fetus in its mother’s womb. Such a death takes place in the early stages of prenatal development prior to fetal viability (the stage of potential independent survival). The danger of a miscarriage is the most common complication of early pregnancy in humans” (Wikipedia)

Miscarriage is a problem that afflicts many couples. I experienced it once and honestly I was more concerned about the health of my wife than the death of a baby I never knew. But I guess it is easier to cope emotionally if it is a one-off experience like mine.

I have seen couples experiencing multiple miscarriages. It must be emotionally draining and traumatizing. An acquaintance once told me that his wife had seven miscarriages. Only two pregnancies —a boy and a girl—scaled through. As he was recounting his experience, I tried to empathise and suddenly became depressed.

His experience was extreme; it was too much for me to handle even though I was only empathising. Marriage sometimes throws extreme challenges at people, but he was calm about it, may be resigned to fate, maybe grateful to God for the two children that survived.

While I was growing up, miscarriages were blamed partly on witch craft. Sometimes the women concerned were accused of committing abominable acts like adultery. Now modern medicine has revealed that the cause of many miscarriages is unknown while many are due to genetic abnormalities.

Other causes are infections, prolonged illness, drug abuse, weakened cervix, alcoholism, heavy smoking by the pregnant mothers, among others.

Added to these are third world maladies of poverty and ignorance. Many women suffer miscarriage in the third world due to lack of basic health facilities; some simply “perish for lack of knowledge”. The stress level of everyday life can also be a contributor.

But even though the causes of most miscarriages are outside our control, medical experts advise woman to observe those precautions that are within their control. They include:

One, pregnant women should go for screening to ensure they have no sexually transmitted diseases. Women or spouses who have been unfaithful can and do pose a greater danger of miscarriage because of the higher risk of getting infected through third parties.

So, fidelity is very important for couples bearing children. Two, while physical exercise is good, pregnant women must do it in moderation and with expert advice.

They must also avoid stressful and physically-intense activities. Three, work closely with and listen to your doctor. In addition, be wary of self-medication; it can easily get a pregnant woman into trouble and endanger her unborn child.

When you go into medical literature, it is unbelievable the number of drugs that are not ideal for pregnant women, even some of the everyday drugs we take for granted. Also be wary of tobacco, alcohol and illegal drugs.

Some young couples often ask whether intercourse during pregnancy can cause miscarriage. Research results and doctors say there is no correlation between intercourse and miscarriages. So sex during pregnancy does not cause miscarriage as some young couple fear.

Hence it should not be an excuse for a pregnant woman to deny herself or husband spousal intimacy. As long as it is convenient and okay by both parties, carry on and do your thing.

Some women are very emotional and depressed after miscarriages. This is no time for husbands to stress them any further for whatever reason. They need maximum support from their husbands: physically, emotionally, financially and otherwise. I met a young man some time ago, who was worried sick that his wife’s “constant miscarriages” have messed up their family plan.

I cautioned him to show more interest in his wife’s health and wellbeing which is paramount over any family plan: you do not get eggs without a hen.

All things being equal, most women who miscarry go on to have healthy babies subsequently. So there is really nothing to fret about it. But if it becomes a regular occurrence; the couple really needs to work with a competent doctor.

A friend’s wife had two miscarriages after their wedding. At the sign of the next pregnancy, the wife quit her job and the husband relocated her to where she had good medical care and minimum disturbance. It was a very difficult pregnancy, but the baby survived.

They went on to have three more children. In all the four pregnancies the sacrifice was enormous, but they made it. Today they are a happy family, thanks in good measure to my friend’s understanding and spousal support. That is the way to go, guys.