By Yetunde Arebi

One good fallout of the Busola/Fatoyinbo saga is the various discourse about sex and sexuality and the many issues surrounding it.

File: Love Cartoon

During one of such discussions with a group of guys recently, I was bombarded with a number of questions all of which bothered on the way men still perceive their women even by 21st century standards.

So, according to these guys, women are gradually destroying relationships  as we know it in Nigeria by copying foreign cultures. This, they say is why a woman would cry rape for consensual sex, especially once she did not enjoy it, or get what she wanted out of it. Another reason some women are also insisting that a husband can rape his wife.

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When I affirmed that this was possible, all three guys screamed blue murder, demanding to know how someone can steal from himself. That is what the dowry is for, the right to demand and receive sexual pleasures unhindered, they announced. A woman who does not want to surrender herself for sex should not get married. It soon became pretty clear that I was not going to win in the discussion as the guys appeared already set in their views.

Sex would not be a big problem in relationships if partners understand themselves and the place of good sex in their lives and relationships. Marital sex has moved beyond one partner demanding and taking without giving back in full measure, simply because sex must appear on the menu. A couple of decades ago, sex might not have been an important topic of general discourse in the society. It might have been done in hushed tones, secretly.

Today, things are different. Nigerians are more confident and informed about sex and sexuality. We are not only more conscious of our surroundings but of ourselves too. Women who hitherto, were considered subservient to their men are now more independent. Many women have attained freedom in many ways more than women of generations before.

There is educational freedom, economic freedom, pursuit of good health and general well being on the part of individuals as a whole. Even where the women still lack economic power, they have the fall back of education and social awareness to help them achieve their goals. So, things can no longer remain as they used to be some 20-30 years ago. Perhaps, here lies the problem for some men.

A major challenge to achieving sexual pleasure and fulfillment between partners is the ego/blame game. Pleasurable sex requires great participation and dedication  from the two involved. Where they are not investing enough, then they will not get what they want from the act. A man must be equal to the task of pleasuring his woman, this is what makes him a man. The woman must be willing and relaxed enough to enjoy and then give equally.

The man has more work to do simply because he can enjoy himself whichever way the act goes. It is easier for him to reach orgasm, whether his partner enjoys it or not. But once a woman does not enjoy it, it might mean the end.

Our men must be willing to learn too. Education is a lifelong process, no one should feel too old or too big to learn something new, especially something that will bring peace, love and harmony to your home or relationship. As they say, the world is a global village. you can read up almost any subject on the internet. You can discuss with people who know more than you do, share experiences and you will pick a few ideas that will be useful to you. It is true that sex is based on instinct, no one actually teaches a man how to go in and out of a woman, but you can be taught how to do it effectively to achieve the right purpose. A pleasurable and satisfying lovemaking is not about how long it lasted, either 40 seconds, 20 minutes, an hour or more. Neither is it about the number of strokes or dunking a man was able to deliver. It is more about the patience, techniques and emotions a man is willing to invest in the act. Please, note that this is about lovemaking and not sex oh! And if you don’t know the difference between the two, you have not graduated to this class and should not bother reading any further.

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Once during a discussion, a guy, sharing why he believes his wife would never cheat on him, revealed how  he ensures that ‘the place’ is always sore as he will not stop until she starts crying.  “What if the tears were faked”, I asked? He said it is not possible as he uses a technique such that she would not even be able to urinate without screaming or wincing in pain. I called him a monster and walked away as he continued laughing.

This takes us to another mistake by many men about lovemaking or marital sex as the case might be. There are men who believe that since ‘their’ women love them, they must always want to make love with them and therefore, must be ready at any times. Love to them translate to sex on demand. It is especially worse when the man is on top of his game financially. Then, you may hear such things like “what more does she want?

I am giving her everything, yet, I can’t enjoy myself when I want”. A lady once described herself as a stress reliever. Once her husband walks in from his outings, he goes into her room or his and summons her. He loosens the rope of his trousers (he wears natives always) and bends her over. That is 90% of the sex they have. The 10% on the bed is when he feels like not lifting a hip and wants her to be a Cowgirl.

The answer to any complaint is that he is too busy making a good life for her and the children to be thinking about sexual pleasures. Another excuse is that it is against their religion as too much indulgence in such pleasures will make them miss heaven. Finally, as his wife of several years, she ought to be used to his style already. Any attempt to take the subject any further is to be accused of having joined the league of wayward women. In accepting her fate, the ‘gel’ has become her saviour, slapping it on as generously as each session demands.

Sex may work that way, lovemaking cannot if it is being performed to give pleasure and satisfaction to the two. Many men forget that money and lovemaking are not on the  same pedestal in a love relationship. The two only complement each other. Money makes most things possible, love makes all things bearable, especially bad sex. That she is enduring it does not mean she is enjoying it, or that you are doing a great job. That is the point here.

Men who marry virgins or women with little knowledge or experience about sex often get away easily with the sloppiest of performances.  Some of these women find themselves caged in unsatisfying sexual relationships and can do next to nothing to change their situation. They will need to come up with convincing reasons their men ought to do things differently.

Naturally, many are already handicapped by cultural and traditional inhibitions and do not want to appear irresponsible or wayward to their partners. So they are forced to accept whatever comes their way or be labelled as ‘open eye babe’. Another group of women who may have to bear the pain of unsatisfying lovemaking might be younger women married to older men. Sex may be great when men are in their mid-ages, many up to their mid 50s and for a few richly blessed, perhaps into their late 50s.

Most men’s libido peak between 35-45. They begin to gradually lose steam thereafter until their raging bull is reduced to an instrument for passing urine only. So, what does he do with his 23-27 year old bride who is perhaps now 37-45 and at her most sexually relaxed and confident phase. For gone are the inhibitions of youth, the fears of unwanted pregnancies, the stress of career and family life, allowing her to let her hair down and be her own woman. Forget about menopause, many women now keep it mushy and wet down there all through their life time. Remember the case of the 70+ widowed grandmother caught in bed with her 35 year old married lover somewhere in Ebonyi State? The two admitted they’d been in a relationship for sometime before they were caught by one of the woman’s granddaughters who came visiting that unfortunate afternoon.

Women too should realise that Christmas does not happen every day. It is not every day that a man will be able to get it up in the first place, not to talk of gathering enough steam to get a woman to reach her peak. A man struggling to maintain an erection long enough to do his thing is not likely to think about your pleasures at that moment.

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A man may have problems with his erection for many reasons ranging for physical to psychological and mental health. If things are not going right at the work place, if there is a financial problem or other emotional problems, his erection may fail. Illnesses such as hypertension, diabetes, obesity, depression and Prostrate gland diseases can all lead to erectile dysfunction some of the time. A loving partner must show great love and understanding, ready to help as may be required.

About two years ago, a young couple who’d only been married about six years began quarrelling more often than one would expect. On enquiry, the husband informed me that his wife had been threatening to leave him. Her excuse was that a freak accident he had at his workshop about seven months prior had affected his erection. According to her, she could not bear the double jeopardy of no money and no sex. Though she has not made good her threat yet, everyone suspects that she has sorted herself out and her poor husband is dealing with it for the sake of his children whom he does not want to lose.

To the question, can a man be accused of raping his wife? My answer is yes. The fact that you paid her dowry, gave her the honour of your name and take care of her and her children, does not give you the right to violate her body, self esteem and emotions. Rape does not necessarily have to be violent, a man can coerce by threatening to exert repercussion, by brain washing and boxing her into corner where she is helpless to exert her own will.

That is a gross abuse of the relationship. As a man, if all you know how to do on your matrimonial bed is to take and take, anytime and anyhow you want it, without caring to give anything back in return or bothering if she is in the right frame of mind to engage in the act, then you are raping your wife. I shed a few tears some years ago when a woman told me her husband must have sex with her once or twice a day, no matter the situation. To make things more horrible, he would slap her across the face if she tried to avoid his kiss! Please, if that is not rape, what is it?

Truth be told, these are not the right attitude to lovemaking. There is a reason it is called lovemaking. It ought to be between two consenting adults who claim to have affection for each other and desire to take and receive pleasure from each other. If you are truly in love with someone, you cannot seek that which will hurt the person, abi?

Hmmm! Do have a wonderful weekend!!

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