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Sex doesn’t turn me on

DearBunmi,

With all these talks about the joys of sex, I find it embarrassing to let you know that the thought of sex leaves me cold. I am currently in a relationship and everything is great – except that I don’t have any sex drive.

I am in my 20s, have a job and enjoy being with my boyfriend, but have never had a satisfying sexual experience.

My partner gets irritated whenever I make excuses to avoid sex and the endless rows we have are giving me stress. Can you help?

Veronica, by e-mail.

Dear Veronica,

Low sexual desire can be caused by temporary things such as stress. But if you’ve never really liked sex, it’s a different kettle of fish. You need to have a medical check-up as soon as you can as a lifelong lack of sexual desire could be down to a hormonal imbalance.

Also, messages about sex you receive in childhood, particularly from your mum, could be putting you off. You may have also learnt to fear sex because of a single upsetting event in your life – abuse, painful intercourse or simply having sex when you were too young. You need to be ref- erred to a counsellor for professional counselling.

Furthermore, a partner who’s impatient over your lack of desire won’t help matters – he’ll just make you more anxious about the whole thing.

Explain this to your partner and ask him to understand and support you. Seriously though, if not liking sex doesn’t actually bother you, then why do anything about

it? Sex is not compulsory! But you need to find a partner who feels the same way.


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