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I should have dumped him first

DearBunmi,

I was recently dumped unexpectedly by my boyfriend of ten months. He made a few comments that hurt me and I should have sent him packing. But I ‘m still desperately in love with him and can’t stop thinking about him. He said he wants us to be friends.

I tried but it didn’t work, so I’ve told him I don’t like him and don’t want to be his friend.

Now, I feel I’ve ruined any chance of getting him back, let alone friendship. The day before he ended the relationship, he said he loved me. How can his feelings change suddenly?

Andrey by e-mail.

Dear Andrey,

A man (or woman) can declare love during sex or through a need to shut the other person up and stop her (or him) repeatedly asking, “Do you love me?” So, sometimes, feelings of lust or frustration – rather than love – can generate the words, “I love you”.

 In a similar way, you can’t stop thinking about the boyfriend who dumped you, not because you truly love him, but because you want to go back to the way things were before to do what you say you should have done in the first place – dump him before he dumps you.

I suspect you told your ex the truth when you said that deep down you do not like him at all. This is not the same as saying you don’t still love him in a way. Some kinds of love are simply not friendly: pure lust, for example, or desire for the man he ought to be. Ex-lovers can never be friends as long as feelings still hurt. So give it more time. Avoid him.

Throw away the mementos. Go out and have fun, whether you want to or not. Some day, when you see him again, and you don’t give a damn, you will know if there is any basis for friendship.


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