By Dele Sobowale
“0703-054-1416Did you hear that our impoverished country’s president, Goodluck Jonathan, gave out 9,000 USD (US Dollars) each to PDP delegates for their votes in their just held primary?”

President Goodluck Jonathan did not give $9,000 to PDP delegates for their votes. That is authoritative. But, some people, from shady sources including, perhaps, donations from some international oil companies and beneficiaries of inflated contracts combined with his campaign organisation to give out real American dollars to delegates. The least given, from my own sources, was $9,000; some received as much as $20,000.

For the sake of those who did not attended Jankara Nursery and Primary Staff School, that means N13.5 million to N30m. Now, who says there is no “breath of fresh air?” When were the first and last time delegates had to be induced with freshly-minted and 100 per cent genuine American dollars? That is surely new. And, before this election is over, the US government might have to print more “green backs”, as dollars are called, to accommodate presidential ambition in Nigeria.

As usual, our crew was right there in Abuja. The crew comprised four committed Area Boys and I– the Presido. Among the least reported incidents by conventional journalists (don’t forget I am not a journalist) was the impact of the primaries on the flesh trade in Abuja. Business was brisk. And, it was a great contest summarised under the title of today’s article. Once Abuja was announced as the venue for the primaries, the ladies of easy virtues, not just in Abuja, but all over the country knew that big pay days were coming and they were prepared for the final of the Sex World Cup.

They knew from previous experience that shady money in whatever currency would flow into pockets of people who could be induced to part with them for a pin-fall in virtually every hotel room bed in Abuja. Two days to the event, there was not a vacant room at any price; even on flea beds.

For starters, customers who usually paid between N5,000 and N20,000 a night for a fling were told to back off. Rates had skyrocketed; “if you don’t have N25,000 to N100,000 stay away” was a sign the girls seemed to carry on their foreheads. And, for three days, the only people who had that kind of money were PDP delegates.

But, not all the “contests” were above board. Again, from previous experience, the girls knew that some of the temporary money-bags were usually careless. They could be deprived of their entire bundle of dollars — given the right approach. At least two of the members of Women of Easy Virtues United are currently smiling all the way to the bank – wherever they might be — from two of such body slams.

One got away with $9,000; the other $12,000.

On the last day of the “Arrangee Primary,” my scouts and I were seating at a favourite watering hole which also serves as a ring side seat for the contest between the Shady Dollars Rovers (those who pocketed the dollars to select the PDP flag-bearer) and the Easy Virtues United. The “Red, Blue, Black and Green Devils” in high heels and skimpy dresses always had the advantage in these contests.

This is their turf and like Wild Dogs on the South and East African veldt they can smell an easy prey from 10 kilometres away. Usually, he is a provincial; perhaps, a trader, a transporter, hotelier, contractor or fake drug dealer who had made some money; wants to make more and ventured into politics in search of gold.

He bought his ticket as a delegate and is now in Abuja – a fish out of water flapping on the pier. He also is obese, short and far from being handsome; the sort no woman would touch except his mother or one who wants to separate him from his money. He drinks and talks as loudly and boastfully as he does at home where he is a local champion without realising that in Abuja where a female civil servant can embezzle N5 billion, his wealth does not even count as petty cash. He drinks but cannot hold his drinks; two bottles and off he goes — to dreamland.

On this particular day, there were two such provincials at two separate tables. We were seating close to one; so close we heard every word and observed every gesture. Two members of the United team moved close wiggling their “bumbum” in the most provocative manner designed to attract attention. At first, Mr. Provincial ignored them. They circled round and came a second time.

Again, he feigned lack of interest. Then, one of the “ladies” approached him, seating alone with three empty seats, and asked “Can we join you?” Had Mr. Provincial said “No,” he might have reached home with his dollar loot intact. But, like all vain and dishonest men, he said, “Sure, take a seat.” My colleagues and I exchanged glances which said “Only God can save you now.” The charge began.

In less than two minutes, one of the United members asked Mr. Provincial to please buy her a drink. With $9,000 upstairs, he did not hesitate. After all, two bottles of beer hardly make a dent on a war chest N13,500,000 strong. So, he ordered for two drinks “for the ladies” as he told the waiter, who smiled knowingly.

He knew from experience that more orders will follow; for “something to chew” and more drinks – including one for the road. Except in this case the United team members were not heading for any road; their road and that of Mr. Provincial would lead straight to his hotel room – and “the strong room” where, they like others in Abuja, already knew that  $9,000 was waiting to be harvested.

Soon, they urged Mr. Provincial to join them in celebrating his selection as a delegate. One of them called the fellow, who looked more like a hippopotamus out of the zoo, a handsome man; to which the other quickly agreed. Our eyes met as they said this and one of them winked. And, to show how really handsome the man was, she planted a wet kiss on his fat cheek while the other rubbed his fat tummy already distended with four bottles of beer. By then, Mr. Provincial had become a baby in their hands.

They, not he, decided it was time to go up – with the two of them. Now, which “handsome,” obese fellow completely out of this world could say “No” to two good looking “ladies”? Off they went. Fortunately, he parted with only $2,000. But, the next day, stories went around about two other provincials who lost their entire bundles of dollars to United members who vanished with their brief cases after drugging them. Fresh air, indeed!!

JONATHAN ON DO-OR-DIE POLITICS
“The era of do-or-die politics in Nigeria is over and those who want to take us back to that arbitrary past have no place in nascent Nigeria.”

President Goodluck Jonathan, reacting to recent Borno State assassinations.
President Jonathan knows the author of do-or-die politics. He was the same person who made Jonathan, Vice-President, and paved the way for him to be President today. The sooner Jonathan distances himself from OBJ the sooner people will believe him.

LAST LINE

According to latest news report, “EFCC detains six for alleged N5bn pension fraud.” Reportedly N500m was found in the accounts of one “lady”, a Deputy Director (Finance and Accounts), Mrs. P.D. Chidi. Now, we begin to know why pensions are not paid. By the way, which bank kept that loot without alerting the banking authorities that a civil servant amassed such wealth? Now, you know that our banks have not changed either.