By Tony Ubani in India

Monkey Business
India is as good as it boasts. INCREDIBLE! In one breadth you want to praise them for their good works and in another, it is either you are reeling in laughter or you are cursing and wondering what manner of people they are.

At the Commonwealth Games that is ongoing here, there are so many unbelievable things that make headlines .

The British could not comprehend with some of these amazing things and they cry out saying that they are not ready for the Games.  The British outcry reminds me of the proverb that says that there are things that a male dog sees and keeps quiet, but once the female sees them, it goes on a barking spree.

Ordinarily, it sounds strange for one to think that Monkies could provide security of sorts for humans against other wild animals including other species of Monkies.

I never knew that I was going to have an encounter with a Monkey. After getting clearance at the Games Village, I strapped my bag containing my laptop on my back and ignored a giant monkey that was busy scratching itself.

I heard its whimping noise but what is my business with a monkey.  I nearly jumped out of my skin when the giant animal drew me back on my clothes baring its ugly teeth. I ran for my dear life and the police and the athletes were enjoying themselves.

With my heart pounding, I wondered if somebody had followed me from Nigeria. But the Police beckoned on me to submit myself for a search. To a monkey? Yes. To a monkey. I gathered myself when it sniffed at my bag and in-between my legs, still searching for lies on its dirty body.

I was told to move on as there was nothing incriminating found on me. I moved away and refused to go without observing the strange policeman(Monkey). In the process of scratching its body for bugs, some people go without being searched.

I also noticed that it watched others move without searching. My curiosity increased. I asked the Police man who said that it was random thing and once it suspects you of carrying or posing security problems, it sniffs you all through.

Imagine me! A young lady also had the scare of her life. The monkey pounced on her and peeped under. Suddenly, the monkey wagged its tail in excitement. Her bag was zipped open. Behold! There was banana in her bag.

Monkey proved that it was still a monkey. It begged for banana and the lady out of fright gave it out . The monkey went bananas feasting on the banana not minding stream of visitors. I learnt that at times like that, Indian security do the job.

The Monkies are chaffeur-driven on bicycles or cars. But they prefer bicycles sitting comfortably at the back while the cyclists pedal it for other hordes to take over as they rotate their shifts.

Animal Kingdom

Incredibly outstanding here in India is the mode of their transportation. All manner of antiquated vehicles are on display on their roads. Starting from almighty volks, to citroen,  bicyles, Donkies, Elephants, Keke Marwa, Cows, Molue, Vespa, Metro.  Of all these, however, the Cyclists are in high demand by tourists.

They prefer  to punish the rider of the bicycle in the name of having better views of the land. The cyclist grits his teeth as he pedals the heavy load of passengers(they build seats that can take three to four passengers.

When they get to pot-holes, they climb out to push their passengers. I could not bring myself to punish an old man and pay him to convey me to venues. They constitute menace to vehicles and other road users. Keke Marwa, which has been introduced to Nigeria is a common sight.

But they are not as luxurious as the once they send to Nigeria. Besides being dirty, it is uncomfortable. But riding on giant Elephants makes a good sight. I have refused to ride on one.

Courtesy of my DSTV, I have seen where Elephants have wrecked havocs. With their tusks that can fell trees, they can send one to the great beyond. But they say that Elephants are understanding.  So are there horses, and cows. As for Vespas, it is a family way of going for outings. Beautiful wives and their children occupy the back while the man does his thing for their delight. Indeed, India is incredible and they delight in the incredulous.

I read of a woman here whose cow gave birth and died after child birth. In order to save the young one from mother’s love, the woman decided to bring it up by breast-feeding it. The cow enjoys milk of human kindness and goes about with the woman.

The cow has refused to reason like humans but combines eating grass with the delicious breasts that nourishes it. Just one of those incredible things about India.

Spitting Spree

I am yet to come to terms why Asians, generally delight in spitting. Indians are no exceptions to this indescent behaviour.  There are no signs before they do their thing. You could be walking and the next moment you are a victim. With hands cupped like preying mantis, they beg you for spitting on you. It is common with the ordinary ones as the high-class either through exposure do not partake in this spitting competition on their roads.

Dogs, Dogs everywhere!

One of my colleagues in the office, Etop,  would be a security risk if he visits India. The number of dogs on streets is amazing. Some of the dogs look good to be admired while there are still others who suffer from starvation.

They do not pose danger to the public. They lie about and at times obstruct movement.

There were clean, healthy dogs that I ran into and had to turn to admire them. Nigerians do not behave like Europeans who cuddle, kiss, pamper dogs or even share their bedrooms with dogs. The essence of keeping dogs in most Nigerian villages is to ward off dangerous people.

In the case of Cross River, Akwa Ibom, Ondo and some places in Ibo land, dogs make delicious meals. These dogs would have lost their freedom if they were to be in Nigeria or if Etop was here in India.

Keep Walking

New Delhi reminds me of Lagos in many ways. But yet, it cannot be compared to Lagos in terms of developemnt. Lagos is ahead in many ways. But New Delhi, Bombay and other towns are better in terms of constant electricity, water.

Their trains are still working even though it reminds one of late Fela’s music where he said that 99 standing while 10 are seated. It is always jampacked. They have metros, too.  But in terms of misdirecting people, they rival Lagosians. It is a common thing for any Indian in New Delhi to tell you that he or she does not know where you inquire from them. Instead, wagging their heads as if there are springs attached to it, they will tell you to keep walking straight.

It reminds me of Ben Alaiya who once asked for direction from somebody in Lagos. They ‘rightly’ directed him. “Go straight, then you will see a building, turn right. Move some steps and you turn to your left. The next street on your right, you will see a round about, turn to your left and you will see three people, ask from them”.

It is almost similar here. “Keep Walking!”, they will tell you in their rich Indian accent, shaking their heads as if it is controlled with remote. They have turned some of us to Johnnie Walker.

Love, my Love

Somebody made a strange request from me when he learnt that I was going to India. He said that I should  bring a white handkerchief with Indian magic. Trust me! I discovered that there are many temples. There is freedom of worship and you can worship whatever you desire.

I have seen sculptured works,  decorated with white or red clothes and people go bowing to them. Work of human hands. Snakes. Cows.

People worship them and their prayers are answered. Awesome!. I inquired from my Indian friend where I can get some luck to get a white handkerchief for my friend. “Is it for love, for  long life, for luck, for safety, to find favour in the eyes of people…?”, he asked.

I learnt that depending on the one you need, you buy a white handkerchief and they spray ointments on it, use it to clean the face of a beautiful woman(made of woods or sculptured) and pray over it.

Once you dangle it on the face of a lady and she perceives the scent, she will start behaving like Beatrice. And so it goes for other things. It might work for them, but I laughed over it. I have no faith in it. I have not seen Indians triumphing in exra-ordinary things. The level of poverty here is alarming.

Most people are combing the dustbins in search of food. Many more others are so weak that they take begging for a profession. If indeed these things work, why wont they use it to better their lives before helping others?

I will bring some handkerchiefs to distribute to my friends and colleagues as gifts.  Eze Anaba, Hector, Jide, Pat Omorodion, Adekunle Salami, Ben Alaiya,  Prince Osuagwu,Awevia, Theodore etc. The ladies also will benefit from my generousity. Especially those who have not been lucky in getting men to the altar.

With these handkerchiefs, they will alter the lives of men of their choice.  As for me, I will rekindle the love portion for my wife and family.