Dear Bunmi,
I met a charming corper in my service year and we became an item. Even though we live in different states, we make time to see each other. Most of the time, he comes to my state.

Unfortunately, I haven’t seen or heard from him for close to two months and I’m at my wit’s end. When I last saw him, he said he loved me and wanted to be with me. After he got back to his state, he phoned a few times but then stopped. Calls to his cell-phone go straight to voice mail.

I’m completely heart-broken as I write. I cant live without him, and after all these weeks without a word from him, I feel suicidal. I’m in my twenties and have known him for 17 months. All I want is to show him how much I love and care for him and eventually be the mother of his children.
Agbeke,
By E-Mail
Dear Agbeke,
You should never, ever use your unhappiness as a means of blackmail. To burden anyone else with responsibility for your continued existence is a form of bullying. No suicide threat or attempt has ever brought a loved one back or made him stay around. On the contrary, any man or woman runs a mile at the very hint of such an ignoble tactic. So whenever you feel suicidal, ring or call your best friend or a relative you trust, but on no account must you think you can use your misery to get what you want from an unwilling partner.

I think this young man may have been put off by the degree of your intensity. You can then imagine how terrifying he’d find the idea that you believe you can’t live without him. It seems to me your best bet in terms of this relationship and, more important, your own well being, is to pull back a bit, let things cool down and give him a chance to come to you willingly. In the meantime, find a sort of distraction from love thoughts. Go to the gym for instance, learn something new or see more of your friends.

                                      I fancy this other man too

Dear Bunmi,
I had a relationship with an old friend but we split up because we argued a lot and he was excessively jealous. We remain good friends and have the occasional sex.

Recently, I met a very nice man and it is inevitable that we should start sleeping together. I rather fancy both of them and wouldn’t mind sleeping with them without the other finding out even though I don’t want to hurt anyone.
Latifat
By E-Mail
 
Dear Latifat,
You are already hurting your first lover by still hanging on to him when you know you don’t love him as you used to. Now you have started sleeping with another man, you stand a chance of hurting him too. He might not even be very impressed by the fact that you are sleeping with two men at a go when he eventually finds out. So stop dithering.

Decide who you want, and then don’t sleep with the other one.

Better still, stay away from both of them for a while. If you have no idea who you are in love with, you are not in love with either of them.

                                   I don’t want to be on the shelf

Dear Bunmi,
I’m in my mid-30s, and just out of a relationship that I thought would have ended in marriage. Now I’m convinced that I might never marry and start a family. A few of my friends are in the same boat and one or two have opted for having children out of wedlock. I find myself jealous of younger women who are married with children. Will my time ever come?
Irene
By E-Mail
 
Dear Irene,
Following a major disappointment like you’ve currently experienced, you need to allow yourself time to feel sad, disillusioned and even angry. Don’t rush through these emotions because you think you need to hurry up and find another partner. Instead, use this post-break-up period to get your feelings in order.

Reach out to your family and friends. Make sure you’re taking good care of yourself, eating well, exercising regularly and getting enough sleep.

When you’re feeling reasonably stable and secure, sit down and re-examine your assumptions about marriage and its place in your life.

Many women believe they’re not complete until they have that ring on their finger. But experts also counsel that you should let the hard-earned wisdom of your life experiences, which younger women don’t possess yet, help you arrive at more realistic conclusions.

For instance, ask yourself, what will marriage really do for you, that you can’t do for yourself? Many people marry, happily, for the first time, in their late 30s and 40s. When you’re ready, let your friends and acquaintances know that you are willing to give love another chance!