By Candida
The mystery about festive periods is that you never know what would turn up to make it a memorable event for you. Take the Ed-il-fitri festival for instance. You expect your Muslim friend not only to invite you for a Ram feast but to give you choice cuts of ram to take home; which was exactly what happened to me.

When I got home much later on that fun soaked day there was a fat leg of ram courtesy of a Christian friend patiently waiting to be dealt with. With the help of some of the artisans loitering around the house who are always a nuisance ,1 performed the feast of chopping the darned thing and chucking the pieces in the freezer to be dealt with the next day.

When Joel rang in the early hour the next day, I  thought it was to fix another tryst that would make up for CTB’S-spanner-in-the works a few weeks back But no such luck, “I have a ram in the house” he began. “The problem is that I’ll be travelling in a couple of days and I don’t really know what to do with it”. How was that my problem, I thought bit irritated.

“Nobody’s home”, he continued. The family had travelled, you see. “And I don’t know what to do with the blasted thing”. I felt sorry for him. “Send it through your driver”, I told him “and my  caterer would handle it”.

He sounded so relieved the driver was at my place under 30 minutes. I called to find out if he wanted it just fried, or if he wound prefer some of it to be made into a stew. Both!, he yelled. We then struck a bargain – half of the fried pieces would be mine.

Done! So  when he called much later in the evening to collect the goodies, it was with another chilled champagne under his arm. And it went down a treat with some of the fried ram he’d come to cart away. Since he would be away for Christmas and the New year, we gave each other a new meaningful Christmas present. This time there was no suspicious CTB lurking around to spoil things.

Only there was no getting rid of CTB; and t don’t really want to get rid of him, come to think of it. He’s been around for more than half my adult years – stabilising my marriage and helping me pick up the pieces when it packed up. I’m always happy to see him. We’ve had our differences  but the happy moments more than make up for them. Anyway, a day to Christmas, he popped in to give me my present   and he was as generous as ever.

As we relaxed he mentioned a live turkey happily clucking  away in his compound and didn’t know what to do with the bird. “I could give it to my caterer to prepare for you”, I offered. He just had a new driver who didn’t know my place, so he offered to come with him.

I’d already called the caterer and she was expecting us, eager to make some money even though I’d warned her the turkey should be ready on Christmas day. “Good evening daddy’ she greeted CTB. “Merry Christmas Sir,” We all know what she had in mind, so CTB gave her ‘present’. Then she dropped a clanger! “Did daddy tike how I did the ram?”

“Ram?  “CTB answered, puzzled. “What ram?”. “Sorry O” said this tactless woman.  “I thought he was the owner of the ram we did for you”. On the way back to my flat, I’d had time to spin my yarn. I told CTB a friend gave about six of us the ram and the caterer fried it. so we could share it. Did he buy my story? Quite frankly, I didn’t give a toss.

This is hoping that last year was good for you relationship wise. It’s not easy maintaining one, believe  me. It’s a confusing jungle out there with do-gooder ‘experts’ telling you how to be a super-lover.

With titles like: How To Be An Amazing Lover And Still Have A Career; Ten secrets of luring him to the Bedroom; How To Achieve The Most Mind-blowing Orgasms, The Dictionary of 1000 Relationship Tips; it’s no wonder a lot of us are confused we might not get things right.

There are some insane tips too. Apparently, you can burn off a lot of calories just by having sex and performing some acrobatic experiments!. I know we’re all supposed to look healthy on top of being a vamp, as well as the perfect mums but, honestly, get a life! Doing a gym workout by being on top and virtually choking the poor bloke? Please! A lot of you have been doing just that for years and still need to buy larger sizes of clothes!

Let’s face it, you’ll be a man’s best lover only if you don’t have anything to do at home but paint your nails. But how many of us are that lucky? A lot of women are now bread winners. The only free time you have on your hands should be spent on doing what makes you happy! In other words, follow your instinct, if you want sex and your better-half is up to it, go for it. And if he isn’t?

After all these years of using your wile to wring  what you want from him, you should be able to make him perform whether or not he feels like it! If he’s sulking because he feels you need to apologies for whatever, go ahead and do just that! Believe me, a good bonk is lots more fulfilling than proving a point that might give you a lot of stress.

T owards the end of the year, Betty, another  younger friend told of how she was angry her husband gave her precious little for Christmas and was always out of the house like a shot only to return in the early hours because she refused to talk to him. “Come New Year’s Eve, I sent the kids to spend the night with a family friend”, Betty said.

“I’d already told my husband I might be joining the kids later. He just shrugged. Then I started getting ready.  I was starkers as I massaged in my perfumed cream, brushed my weave-on until it shone, then took out my good clothes. Skimpy ones! He couldn’t keep his eyes off me as I finished dressing and told him to lock up when he left, that I had my keys.

“Where do you think you are going dressed like that?” He growled. “I told you, to see in the New Year with the children “, I snapped, glancing impatiently at my wrists and making for the door, “You’re doing no such thing “, he bellowed. In no time at all, we were having a shouting match. I knew what would follow- rough and steamy- sex and that’s what happened. The poor fool thought I had a date.

So this year dear readers, follow your instinct in whatever you do and have fun!.