In a world where academic performance often dictates future opportunities, the pressure on young students can be immense. For some, the thoughts of failing an exam can lead to devastating consequences, including the contemplation of suicide. This grim reality was underscored by the recent tragedy involving a young star who took her own life following a disappointing UTME result.

While achieving academic success is important, effective parenting encompasses much more than just grades. It involves nurturing a child’s ability to thrive independently in various aspects of life.

In light of the recent suicide involving a 17-year-old girl, Woman’s Own spoke Tayo Owosina, the Lead Psychotherapist at Mindful Edge Counselling and the Founder, YALES Initiative; Dr. Toyin Sanbe, Clinical & Clinical-Health Psychologist; Mrs Olaitan Wahab, an educator at Excel Star Learners (ESL), and Fausat Ibrahim, a certified and licensed Management and Administration Consultant. They shared their insights on why there is urgent need for policies that alleviate academic pressure and how parenting today requires engagement both online and offline.

By Funmi Ajumobi

Academic success should not be equated with effective parenting — Owosina

Tayo Owosina, Lead Psychotherapist at Mindful Edge Experts, suggests that the perception of failure can become overwhelming, particularly if a young person views it as an insurmountable obstacle. For many, especially those already grappling with mental health issues like depression or anxiety, a single setback can feel like the final straw. “When a child is vulnerable mentally, that failure can trigger an overwhelming sense of hopelessness”.

She explained that they might have been silently struggling for a long time, and exam failure becomes the catalyst that pushes them over the edge.

Owosina, who is currently the Vice President of African Network of Professional Counsellors (ANEPCO) and the Sectorial Head of Child and Adolescent Counselling of CASSON Lagos, Nigeria, said this phenomenon is not confined to Nigeria; suicide is recognized as one of the leading causes of death among young people worldwide. The urgency to address this issue is palpable. “It’s essential that we focus on helping our youth build resilience in the face of adversity,” the expert emphasizes. “We must create an environment where young people can express their struggles without fear of judgment, allowing them to see that there are alternatives to taking their own lives.”

“The feelings of hopelessness that can follow academic failure often stem from a combination of factors. Many young people experience prolonged distress that goes unnoticed by caregivers, be it teachers, school counselors, or parents. “When a child feels unheard and unsupported, it exacerbates their feelings of despair. In families where failure is stigmatized, the pressure can become unbearable.” She explained.

Furher, Owosina said underlying issues such as bullying can compound these feelings. “A child who has faced repeated bullying may feel isolated and unsupported, leading them to seek solace in unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as joining gangs or substance use. This kind of distress doesn’t just appear overnight; it builds up over time. The incident of exam failure might simply be the last straw.” the expert noted.”

She added that recognizing the warning signs of suicidal ideation is crucial for intervention. Changes in behavior, such as withdrawal from previously enjoyed activities or a sudden disinterest in school, can indicate deeper issues at play. She cationed that if a once-enthusiastic student suddenly avoids social interactions or expresses a desire to be alone, it’s a signal that something may be wrong. She however said it’s important to note that not every sign points directly to suicidal thoughts; rather, it indicates a need for support.

“Children with a history of suicide attempts are particularly at risk, and any intense emotional event like academic failure can trigger another crisis. Additionally, exposure to substances like alcohol and drugs further heightens this risk.

“As society grapples with these challenging issues, the focus must shift toward fostering open dialogue about mental health and creating supportive environments for young people. By addressing these underlying challenges and recognizing the signs early on, we can help prevent tragedies and guide our youth toward healthier coping strategies in times of distress.

Misconception that suicide is a phenomenon unique to Gen Z

Owosina disabuse the minds of the people on the misconception that suicide is a phenomenon unique to Gen Z. “While it’s true that this generation may exhibit heightened vulnerability, largely due to their constant exposure to social media, the issue is far more complex. In today’s interconnected world, news of suicides, whether in the UK, Indonesia, or Canada travels quickly online. This widespread exposure can lead to what’s known as “copycat suicide,” where individuals may feel compelled to act after hearing about such tragedies.

“Social media can significantly amplify a child’s vulnerabilities. There are alarming instances where young people have learned methods of self-harm from social media posts detailing suicides. When these updates circulate online, they can inadvertently influence others who are already struggling. It’s crucial to understand that suicide is not a trend; it’s a serious issue that requires urgent attention. If we continue to create high-pressure environments for young people, we risk further increasing their susceptibility to mental health crises. 

Addressing systemic gaps is essential

“Now is the time for policies that alleviate academic pressure on students and promote mental health support. In places like Lagos State, significant strides are being made in this area. I was honored to be part of a technical working group tasked with reviewing the state’s youth policy, where we successfully integrated mental health support for young people in a more practical manner than before.

“It’s important to reiterate that academic success should not be equated with effective parenting. While good grades are important within our educational framework, we must also prioritize emotional safety nets for our children. We need to redefine failure not as something shameful but as an opportunity for growth and learning. I still remember the reassurance my father gave me when I failed a high school course; it became an anchor that motivated me to succeed the next time around. 

“We must meet failure with empathy rather than stigma. Normalizing conversations around failure is essential; it is not a final destination but rather feedback for improvement. Young people experience a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts, and we must acknowledge and support them through these challenges.

Needs for policies that alleviate academic pressure

“Schools must pay closer attention to young people when they voice concerns. By being proactive, they can identify issues early and prevent crises before they occur. Preventive measures are more cost-effective at all levels. I believe that at the government level, we need policies that alleviate academic pressure. Grades should not be the sole measure of academic success. We must also consider a child’s social and emotional intelligence. Are we encouraging them to build healthy relationships? Are we fostering their self-awareness, self-esteem, and unique strengths? Until we integrate these aspects into our evaluation systems, we will continue to circle the same issues. It’s unfair to blame a child for feeling pressured to achieve top grades when they know they risk disappointing their parents.

“To young people: while it’s important to focus on your grades, remember that they are not the only measure of your academic performance. Social and emotional competence, how you interact with others, your self-awareness, and your ability to manage your emotions are equally important. You are more than your grades. Treat failure as constructive feedback that helps you learn and grow. If you don’t learn how to handle failure, you may struggle to appreciate success later on. A child who cannot cope with failure in school may find it challenging in relationships or the workplace. Failure is not the end; it’s an opportunity for improvement.

Children are products of their environment — Dr Sanbe

In a poignant conversation with Dr. Toyin Sanbe, the alarming trend of youth suicide was brought to the forefront. “It is a sad reality that young people are taking their own lives,” he lamented, emphasizing the role of parental absence in this crisis. “Parenting today requires engagement both online and offline. Unlike in the past, where challenges were primarily faced in person, children now grapple with online pressures that can exacerbate their struggles.”

Sanbe highlighted a disturbing pattern: when children face academic failures, they often turn to their peers for solace and advice. “If a parent tells their child, ‘If you fail your exam, consider yourself dead,’ the child may feel trapped, believing that suicide is the only escape from such threats,” he explained. He recounted a recent case of a girl who took her life after failing her UTME exam, noting that the psychological scars from parental threats can linger long after the words are spoken.

The psychologist pointed out a broader issue within this tragic narrative: “In less than a week after her death, the examination board acknowledged an error in their grading system. This highlights a crucial truth: one exam failure does not equate to a failure in life.” He stressed the importance of seeking psychological support, stating that many young people are not consulting professionals when faced with emotional turmoil.

Sanbe delved into the dynamics of family relationships, suggesting that sibling rivalry could have compounded the girl’s feelings of inadequacy. “She may have been perceived as the ‘dullest’ in her family, adding to her distress,” he noted. The irony of the board’s admission of fault only underscores the need for resilience in the face of life’s challenges.

“Life is filled with ups and downs,” Sambe reminded us. “We often don’t get what we want, but it’s essential to learn how to navigate these obstacles. As the saying goes, if life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” He referenced renowned literary figure Wole Soyinka, who famously did not graduate with first-class honors, yet went on to achieve greatness. Such examples serve as powerful reminders that setbacks do not define one’s future.

The psychologists also emphasized the need for parents to reflect on their behavior towards their children. “It’s crucial for parents to understand that their words carry weight. In previous generations, threats from parents were often dismissed; today, they can have devastating consequences.” He pointed out that many parents today lack the necessary engagement with their children’s lives, often leaving them feeling isolated and withdrawn.

“In our youth, we would come home to find our parents waiting for us; now, children often rely on drivers or caregivers for emotional support,” Sanbe observed. This shift in family dynamics can lead children to form attachments to figures who may not have their best interests at heart.

Ultimately, Sanbe’s message is clear: the responsibility for nurturing and guiding children lies not just with them but with their parents and society as a whole. “Children do not raise themselves; they are products of their environment,” he concluded. “It’s time we acknowledge these issues and work together to create a supportive framework for our youth.”

Respectful dialogue with teachers can enhance a child’s overall growth — Mrs Wahab

Reflecting on the changing dynamics in education, Mrs. Wahab notes a significant shift in the teacher-student relationship over the years. “When we were growing up, we were much closer to our teachers,” she reminisces. Today, many parents who benefited from strong bonds with educators find that such connections have evolved. While teachers now maintain professional boundaries, she emphasizes the need for parents to cultivate collaborative relationships with their child’s educators.

“Teachers are partners in your child’s development,” she explains. Rather than viewing them solely as instructors, parents should appreciate their role in shaping character and providing guidance. Engaging in respectful dialogue with teachers can enhance a child’s learning experience and overall growth.

“We live in a very pressured dense society where everyone wants to outdo another,” Mrs. Wahab observes, emphasizing her belief that education is not the sole determinant of success. 

Her perspective urges parents to recognize the weight of expectations placed on their children. While striving for academic excellence is commendable and woven into the fabric of Nigerian culture, Mrs. Wahab insists that this pursuit must not overshadow a child’s holistic well-being. “The pursuit of academic success should not come at the expense of your child’s emotional and psychological health,” she cautions. A “C” grade, she explains, does not define a child’s worth or future potential.

To foster a nurturing environment, she advocates for homes where effort is celebrated, mistakes are viewed as stepping stones to growth, and open communication flourishes. “Be your child’s biggest cheerleader and sounding board,” she advises parents. “Listen to their anxieties, celebrate their small victories, and help them navigate setbacks.” 

Moreover, she encourages parents to recognize that exceptional success often arises from a blend of skill and education. “Encourage your children to explore their interests beyond academics,” she adds, highlighting the importance of a well-rounded upbringing.

Prioritizing Mental Health

Mrs. Wahab also addresses the pressures faced by young people in a highly competitive environment. “To the young ones, define your own success,” she urges. It’s natural to feel compelled to conform or outshine peers, but true success is often personal. She reassures students that it’s acceptable to receive a “C” if they’ve genuinely tried their best and learned from their experiences.

“It takes courage to admit you’re struggling,” she acknowledges, encouraging young people to reach out to trusted adults-be it parents, teachers, or school counselors-when feeling overwhelmed. Their guidance can help navigate life’s complexities, reinforcing that mental well-being is just as critical as academic performance.

Government’s Role in Holistic Development

Mrs. Wahab calls on the government to prioritize holistic development within education systems. “Education extends beyond rote learning and examination performance,” she argues, advocating for policies that promote skills acquisition, critical thinking, creativity, and emotional intelligence. She stresses the need for comprehensive counseling services in all educational institutions to address the psychological pressures students face.

Fostering Community Support

Reflecting on the diminishing sense of communal responsibility for child development, Mrs. Wahab believes that revitalizing community involvement is essential. “It takes a village to train a child,” she asserts, urging government support for local initiatives and programs that encourage mentorship and provide safe spaces for youth outside of school hours. 

Responsible parenting in the face of youth suicide — Ibrahim

Ibrahim expressed her deep sorrow over the rise of youth suicide, stating, “It is heartbreaking to witness a child take such a drastic step. Regardless of the circumstances, suicide should never be considered an option. It eliminates any possibility of recovery.” She emphasized that even when the young individual sought help and was provided with temporary relief, like palm oil to suppress emotional pain, it was ultimately too late.

Highlighting the crucial role of parents, Ibrahim urged them to embrace their responsibilities as mentors, coaches, and friends to their children. “We must strive to empathize with our children,” she said. “If they are in pain, we share that burden; if they are celebrating, we join in their joy.” By fostering an open environment where children feel comfortable introducing their friends and discussing their issues, parents can build trust and ensure their children know they can confide in them.

Ibrahim pointed out that children who lack proper mentorship may feel overwhelmed by life’s challenges. “A child who faces threats, insults, or even physical assault may internalize the belief that failure is unacceptable, leading to feelings of worthlessness,” she warned. “Every child is vulnerable without the right upbringing.”

She stressed that parents, as primary caregivers, have a responsibility to teach their children that success can be achieved through various paths. “If a child does not gain admission to university, there are numerous vocational and trade schools available,” Ibrahim explained. “Business schools, both formal and informal, offer additional avenues for success.”

For parents who may not have formal education, she encouraged seeking support from school counselors who can guide children through challenging times. “The government also has a role to play by investing in the training of teachers and ensuring that every school has qualified counselors who can provide regular support to students.”

Ibrahim urged parents to instill the understanding that there are multiple routes to success from an early age. “Children will inevitably encounter failures along their journey, but these experiences are valuable lessons that contribute to their growth,” she noted.

In today’s digital age, Ibrahim highlighted the importance of parental involvement. “Parents must carve out time from their busy schedules to engage with their children’s activities,” she advised. With many children connecting with potentially harmful influences online, it is crucial for parents to be aware of their children’s interactions and provide guidance. “Being your child’s best friend and instilling positive values can help them navigate these challenges,” she added.

Moreover, she advocated for a school curriculum that addresses the realities of obstacles in life, preparing students for the inevitable setbacks they will face. “Failure is not the end; it is part of a larger journey,” Ibrahim concluded. “Encourage your children to work hard and work smart as they pursue their dreams.”

Vanguard News