By Bunmi Sofola

Just when does a long-term relationship become a nightmare? For 18 years, Salewa was under the illusion she had a happy marriage. The three children of the marriage were doing well in school and her husband’s job as a civil servant augmented what she made as an importer of household goods which she sold wholesale. 

With proceeds from her business, she was able to develop the plot of land she inherited from her dead father. The whole family moved in and life continued as normal.

Read Also: Dear Bunmi, can you tell how big ‘it’ is by size of his nose? 

Then, about six years ago, Mark, her husband got a managerial job in a reputable firm and his confidence soared. He invested in some smart suits and his grooming became more sophisticated.  He started clinging to his mobile phone as if it were a lifeline. 

When he was in a room, he’d rest it on the arm of his chair but if he got up to do something, he’d slip it into his pocket.  Often, he’d go out under the pretext of filling his car with petrol so as not to waste valuable time on his way to work the next day.  The filling station was only a few minutes away but Mark was always gone for more than an hour.  He always had an excuse for coming home late. 

By this time, Salewa had stated suspecting Mark was up to something.  According to her: “Things came to a head a few days after I returned from one of my business trips.  I came home one evening and he wasn’t there. The househelp gave me a letter he left for me.  He was no longer happy in our marriage, the letter said, and he had left to ‘clear his head’.  He assured me no woman was involved.  But I later discovered he’d been seeing someone else in his office for some time.

“I had my pride if he didn’t have any and I coped with dignity after he left.  The children had their own life to live but I encouraged them to see their dad.  I tried talking to him a few times, but his fancy woman will take the phone and yell at me to move on with my life as Mark was now hers.” 

In the end, he cut himself off from me.  If I called him for help or advice, he’d hang up.  When our only son turned into drugs, he refused to intervene, leaving me to cope with his rehabilitation.  Thank God my son was snatched back from the brink.

“Mark’s woman eventually turned out to be bad news.  When she realized that I was the one who really controlled the purse string, she kicked him out when his cash ran dry.

“It was his close friend who agreed for him to move to his guest chalet that informed me of his predicament.  I bet he was hoping I would take him back so he could have his privacy.  He said Mark was really miserable, depressed and confessed he still loved me, but I didn’t feel the same way about him. 

This was a man who deserted me and the children  for this opportunist of a woman, now wanting to crawl back.  What would have happened if I hadn’t held my grief and anger at bay and focused on my business and the children?  He hung around his mistress as she rained abuses on me, never giving a thought to the probability of the music changing.

“Did he give a thought to the terrible hurt and shock I felt when he abruptly left the family home and my great pain when he seemed unwilling to help especially with our only son.  But this friend of his sought the help of other friends who pleaded we should at least meet to discuss the possibility of our coming together again.  I talked with our children and they said I should do what I deemed fit.

I eventually agreed for us to meet, but the man he is now wasn’t the husband I married.  I didn’t feel any love for him.  Of course, I missed the love and marriage we once had, but all that have been replaced by anger and disgust.  I also have a new sense of independence that would get in the way of us having a future together.  I can’t turn the clock back and pretend he hadn’t deserted us. 

If the woman hadn’t kicked him out, he wouldn’t come grovelling to be taken back.  My husband did a terrible thing to his family and was cruel and uncaring for a long time.  But like his mistress advised all those years back, I have moved on…”.

Reasons you might never see your doctor again

No one relishes the idea of going to the doctor – you wait ages with apprehensive patients and risk picking up everyone’s germs. So can you stay out of the doctor’s and keep yourself well?

These are tips from doctors on how…

*Drink sensibly: It will help beat liver, brain and heart disease, high blood pressure, fertility problems and certain cancers such as cancer of the mouth. Women should drink not more than three units of alcohol a day and men should drink no more than four.

A unity is half a pint of lager, a small measure of spirits or a small glass of wine. And no, you’re not allowed to save up all your units for the weekend, because binging is one of the worst things you can do to your health.

The main dangers in the long term for heavy drinkers include liver cirrhosis and heart disease, and, according to research, women develop diseases such as cirrhosis after a comparatively shorter period of heavy drinking, and at a lower intake than men.

*Quit smoking: It will help beat many forms of cancer, including cancer of the lungs and mouth, coronary heart disease and emphysema. Stopping smoking is the single most important thing you can do to benefit your health.

Within just 48 hours, you’ll have a demonstrably improved ability to walk upstairs; within three months, your heart disease risk drops to what it would be if you’d never smoked, and after five years, your lung cancer risk reduces to virtually zilch.

*Eat an apple a day: It will help beat minor bugs and infections, and bowel cancer. Apples do help to keep the doctor away, but you should also tuck into everything else in the fruit bowl. Aim to eat at least five varied portions of fruits and vegetables every day to boost immunity.

As your vitamin levels rise, you’ll see an improvement in your resistance to minor bugs and infections. Research also shows fresh fruits and vegetables can cut your risk of getting bowel cancer and other forms of cancers too. Studies have shown that vitamin pills are no substitute for good old-fashioned food.

Plant chemicals in fruit and vegetables appear to interact in complex ways, producing additional benefits in the body.

*Go for a walk: It will help beat the blues, circulation problems, obesity and associated disorders including back pain, high blood pressure and coronary artery disease. Exercise is the best way to boost your circulation, improve your muscle tone and your mood.

There’s also growing evidence that it can protect you from bowel and breast cancers. Take brisk exercise at least three times a week for 20 – 30 minutes – you could try walking, cycling, swimming or dancing.

*Eat fish: It will help aches and pains. Eat 1 – 2 portions of oily fish every week. Sardines are particularly rich on Omega-3 fatty acids – the magic ingredient that can maintain a healthy heart and ease rheumatoid aches and pains.

Vegetarians can get Omega-3 fatty acids from walnuts, sweet potatoes and linseed oil.

*Go Italian: Eat more tomatoes. They’re rich in lycopene, a powerful antioxidant. Plenty of onions and garlic are also recommended. They all have antiviral, antifungal, antibacterial and antioxidant properties.

*Stay safe in the sun: It will help beat heat stroke, eye damage, heat exhaustion and skin cancer. The Cancer Research Campaign advises you to stay out of the sun – particularly between the hours of 11 am and 3 pm.

And always use sunscreen with SPF of 15 or above. Wear sunglasses and make sure your kids are well protected too.

*Use hydro-power: It will beat a sluggish circulation and an inefficient immune system. Drink enough fluids to hydrate your skin and get your digestive system going.

Two litres a day should do it – drink more of it if you’re exercising. A cold three-minute system and stimulate your circulation.

*Chill out: It helps beat IBS, mouth ulcers, high blood pressure, minor infections, headaches and skin problems such as eczema.

Learning to relax can help you to avoid many tension – related complaints. So make to put your feet up – that’s doctor’s orders!

Five Reasons You Need A Good Night’s Sleep

*It helps you trim.  If we have a bad night’s sleep, our body doesn’t release as much of the hormone that regulates appetite.  As a result, we feel hungrier and are more likely to choose high-calorie foods.

*It reduces your risk of dementia.  Scientists believe that while we sleep, brain fluid washes away proteins that cause conditions such as Alzheimer’s disease.  Getting 7 – 8 hours will give your body the time it needs to do this effectively.

*It keeps you beautiful. Studies have shown we look less attractive to others the less sleep we’ve had.  While we sleep the body produces collagen and boost blood flow to the skin.  Giving you a healthy glow.  That’s why your skin looks drab after too many late nights!

*It makes you a better driver.  Being tired affects reaction time and decision-making.  Having insufficient sleep for just one night can be as harmful to your driving ability as having a drink.

*It reduces your risk of heart-disease and diabetes.  If you regularly sleep less than five hours a night, then you double your risk of developing type 2 diabetes.  It also increases your blood pressure – putting strain on your heart.   

Visit vavistalife.com for more information

Truer words were never spoken…

The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve. Anytime you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity.  An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative acting people.

As you grow, your associates will change.  Some of your friends will not want you to go.  They will want you to stay where they are.  Friends that don’t help you to climb will want you to crawl.  Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream.  Those that don’t increase you, will eventually decrease you.

Consider this: Never receive counsel from unproductive people.  Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are first to tell you how.  Not everyone has the right to speak into your life.  You are certain to get the worse of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person.

Don’t follow any one who’s not going anywhere.  With some people, you spend an evening; with others you invest it.  Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life.  Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendship.

If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl, but if you associate with eagles, you will learn to soar to great heights.

“A mirror reflects a man’s face, but he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses”. 

The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate – for the good and the bad — Anon

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