By Bunmi Sofola
There’s no faster killer of friendship than one friend making a banquet of another friend’s left-over! Angela and Temi’s friendship went way back to their secondary school days. “Even after we went to different universities, our friendship continued,” Temi said. “As luck would have it, thanks to Angela’s dad’s influence, we got posted to the same state for our youth service. Whilst I ended up teaching in a secondary school, Angela worked in a bank.
“We often went clubbing with some other coppers and it was at a night- club that we ran into Billy, one of the customers Angela met in the bank. Later, she confessed she had fallen in love with him. Only, the feeling wasn’t as mutual as Angela thought. Billy wasn’t really into her as she thought as they only met up for a couple of dates before it all fizzled out. A few months after they split, I ran across Billy at another night out with a new set of friends. He came over for a chat and the attraction was mutual.
“At the end of the night, we both went back to his flat to continue drinking. I was so drunk I didn’t say no when he came on to me and the sex was okay. The next morning however, we both agreed our night together was a one-off. I had my own steady boyfriend and I felt slightly guilty about Angela even though there was no chance of any romance between them. About a month or so later, we went out together again, just for the fun of it. This time Angela found out. I didn’t know about this when she invited me to her flat for an evening.
“She was her usual smiley self when I arrived but as soon as two of her friends who I’d often found scary showed up, she instantly changed and became really angry. Suddenly, she started yelling at me, ‘Yeye friend, why didn’t you tell me – you’d slept with my boyfriend?” I was alarmed, what was there to tell? But she had a psychotic look in her eyes, like she was possessed. The other girls looked really hostile that I spluttered my apology. But she wouldn’t listen. Her eyes were wild with hate. She told me if I were really sorry, I’d be crying and she was going to make sure I cried. She pushed me down on the bed in her room, clutched at my hair and threatened to punch me silly unless I shouted “I’m a cheap prostitute” ten times. When I refused, she kicked me so viciously I hit my head on the bed’s headboard. The two girls joined in at this juncture and started punching me in the face and yanking at my hair extensions until some of them came off.
“1 was really scared for my life now.” I knew if I didn’t get away, I was going to get my face scared. I tried to run to the front door but Angela dragged me back. They all took it in turns to stamp on me as Angela took off my high-heeled shoes and started whacking me round the head with them. The assault lasted for almost an hour. By this time, my clothes were torn to shreds. Angela took a final kick at me then shoved me to the door and booted me out. Wearing no shoes and with my clothes torn, I staggered outside where many vehicles and Okadas sped past in alarm at my sight. Thank God a passerby was shocked at my appearance that he abruptly stopped his car. He thought I was a hit- and-run victim. When I told him what happened he took me to a private hospital and got Angela and her friends arrested.
“My saviour, Mark, was a well known business man locally but I’d never heard of him, He paid my hospital bills then visited me regularly. He made sure Angela and her friends were detained at the police station for a few days. I had to plead with him to allow them to be released. That, needless to say, was the end of my friendship with Angela Never in a million years could I imagine that sleeping with someone my friend fancied would provoke such a vicious and violent attack. I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover from the experience. Thankfully, there is a happy ending. Mark and I started to meet regularly to talk through what happened to me – then we discovered we liked each other. It was as if we had a special bond after everything that had happened.
“Our relationship lasted until I finished my youth service and relocated to Lagos. Even now, a few years after, we still remain good friends. He has since got married and I’ll never forget the day God sent him to me – I will always be grateful for his assistance when I was almost at death’s door. “The best way to get away with bonking your girlfriend’s best friend is with her consent” bragged Vincent, a wealthy business man who imports all sorts of exotic cars. “The fact that I’m married has never stopped the girls falling over themselves to latch on to me. I might have a good physique and be passable as macho, but my money is the main attraction. I’m a very generous person who believes in taking care of my girls especially the beautiful ones. Last Christmas, I was with my latest girl friend when I met this slim pretty girl in her sitting room. Younger than my girl, she was really sophisticated. Side by side, my girlfriend looked like the ugly sister in the Cinderella story!
“Later, I got her mobile phone number when my girl went to the kitchen. When I called her the next day, she told me my girl had always been very good to her and she would be the last person to hurt her. I simply invited my girl over to my flat later and gave her a fat cheque for all the things she’d been pestering me to get for her. Then I calmly told her I wanted to have an affair with her friend, Gladys, that I would make it worth her while. I hinted that Gladys would soon be going back anyway and we would be our old selves again. When she protested, I reminded her I was a married man and she was a single mother of three. That she needed my financial muscle to keep her comfortable and I was prepared to give her all the help she needed.
“She fell for my offer and I was true to my promise. Gladys was more than worth it. By the time she left, I was hooked. We both agreed we wouldn’t let on to Gladys we would still continue with the affair after she left. Gladys is based in London, so I always stop over now on my way to my business partners’ factories. When I get back to Nigeria, I always bring back little items to ‘bribe’ my girl friend with even though she thinks Gladys is now in the past. You can get away with anything really – all you need is a bit of genius-and maybe plenty of cash! Everyone has their price!”
Would Jesus Have Used TwiHer To Spread The Gospel?
Would Jesus have joined Twitter? That is the intriguing question being debated on the pages of the weekly political magazine The Spectator. Earlier this years, author James Bartholomew wrote that
serious writers ‘lose dignity by condensing their great thoughts into the meagre 140 characters of a Twitter feed. “Imagine”, he wrote, “if Jesus has been required by his Father to tweet. It just wouldn’t have been the same. ‘Might be a bit short on loaves and fishes on the Mt. today. Take a miracle to feed everyone!’
In the letters page the following week, reader Bridget Mayes Wittily pointed out that the King James Bible boiled down rather neatly into Twitter format. The line from Luke’s Gospel: ‘It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than the kingdom of heaven’ is a neat and succinct 111 characters. While ‘come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy-laden, and I will give; you rest’ from Matthew’s Gospel is only 79 characters. She concluded that with these pithy statements, Christ would have been right at home on Twitter: “Ahead of the time rather than behind ours, I think.”