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Is our relationship doomed?

Dear Bunmi,

My husband and I seem to be drifting apart since we had our son 16 months ago. I know that caring for a child takes up a lot of time, but we don’t even seem to talk to each other.

There’s a lack of affection and we also argue. We both want our marriage to work and we’ve tried counselling by our pastor but it doesn’t seem to help.

My friend thinks I might have a slight post-natal depression, though when I have a good day, I dismiss the idea. I’m tired most of the time, my libido has gone and our sex life has more or less disappeared. I find it hard to switch off from the demands of being a mum.

I know we need more quality time together but we don’t have a house-help for now.

My husband’s quiet when he’s at home— he wants to switch off after a hard day’s work. I don’t know what to do next. Is our relationship doomed?


By e-mail.

Dear Isabella,

It’s obvious that you and your husband miss your former relationship as a couple, unencumbered by parenthood. The carefree days seem to have disappeared and sex is pushed to the back burner.

A woman more easily accepts her role as a new mum— the demands of a baby leave her with little choice. Your husband is like many men in feeling disgruntled by the changes in his marriage that having a baby brings.

Of course you feel tired and your interest in sex has weakened. Coping with the needs  of a small child is using up all your energy. You will certainly feel distressed sometimes.

Being a new mother is an emotional and all-consuming experience. Be rest assured that, in time, your love and marriage will survive your becoming parents and be enriched by this life changing experience.

Increasingly, involve your husband in caring for his son too and making decisions about his welfare. He needs to realise he can be very useful-as a father. You will both discover more energy and enthusiasm as you adjust to family life.

Your sex life will also be renewed and in time you may even try for another child!


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