By Yetunde Arebi

Take it or leave it, many parents are guilty of introducing their young children to sex! Indeed, many parents are their children’s first contact with sex and sexual activities. In fact, directly or indirectly, the sexuality and sexual relationship of many parents often determine the sexuality of their children and the sexual relationships they might cultivate in their adult lives.

Many of us parents erroneously believe that our children learn more from what they are taught formally, rather than what they see and watch us do.

This is because we already have a mindset that our way of life and brand of parenting being offered to our children is near perfect, if not perfect, and is best suited for our family.

So, when our child is caught doing something wrong, the child must have picked it from contacts outside of the nucleus, and not as a result of the things they are exposed to at home.

For example, we tell the children never to tell lies and that it is Satan’s children who do so. Yet, we sometimes use them to lie to others, as well as tell blatant lies to people right in their presence, leaving them wondering if there are different rules about telling lies for adults and children, why it is so and what the punishment for adults who tell lies will be from the Almighty, if at all telling lies is a sin for adults in the first instance.

To avoid harsh punishments, some parents encourage their children to tell lies or half-truths even to their spouses, believing that they are saving them from pain and are the more loving of the two. Yet, when it comes to formal teaching of morals, we tell them that telling lies is bad. It is in this same vein that children pick up on other things, including sexuality, sex and sexual orientation.

Many of us parents are always eager to ask questions such as “At what age can I begin to teach my child sex education”? They ask with the belief that their child, who has lived for two, three, four or even five years on earth remains a fool and has learnt nothing about sex simply because we have not yet sat the child down to give him a formal training on the issue.

We forget that all the kissing, pinching, necking, and even downright sex we engage in, either in their presence or when we think they are not watching, have already laid the foundation in their little minds for whatever they will be learning or doing in later years.

Many years back, I saw a mother allowing her son of about four to five years, cling to her neck for several seconds giving her a French kiss at the International Airport. The child was travelling with his father who surprisingly saw nothing wrong with what his woman was doing with their child.

As I watched with a big frown on my face, the man stepped forward and took over with his own very nasty version of French kiss in the open glare of onlookers. The way some people do this kissing business can be really disgusting sometimes!

Kissing is an art; it can be learnt and perfected. Just as there are many types of kisses, there are rules guiding kissing too and not all kisses are meant to be exchanged in public places. More importantly, a French kiss is not meant for mother and son, no matter the bond or emotional attachment between them, lest it is an incestuous relationship!

Last Monday, my jaw almost hit the table while reading a story I saw on the internet. A wife was caught on CCTV giving her husband ‘head’ at a mall while their two children looked on! The couple, Akeela Ali and her husband, Fahad Billal from Newport in South Wales had come all the way to the shopping Centre in West London for a family day trip along with their two children cited as aged three and five.

The duo claimed they got carried away by the romantic situation and just decided to have a quickie. According to the report, “They let the children run off and play while they got busy on a sofa next to the lifts – but even when they kids interrupted, they still carried on.” CCTV footage captured the pregnant Ali moving her head up and down and also masturbating Billal with her right hand.

“When she finished, she spat into a tissue and threw it behind a plant pot in the shopping centre’s lift lobby lounge.” In their defence at Hammersmith Magistrates Court, they admitted that it did cross their mind to stop when their children came but decided to carry on.

According to Ali, her hormones were ‘everywhere’ because of her pregnancy and she suddenly felt horny, so decided to start things up even though she knew it was wrong to do so in a public place. She acknowledged being aware that one of the children was sitting beside her husband for a portion of their adventure, and said she was ashamed and regretted the incidence.

Ali on his part described the incidence as a human mistake and said they just started kissing and one thing led to another. He said though the lobby was not that busy at the time, he knew it was a public area.

In sentencing the randy couple, the judge explained that the seriousness of the action was that it took place in a public place and in the presence of their children, and the possibility of other people’s children watching. The couple were banned from coming into London for two months!

I was worried that if this couple could do such a thing in a public place with their children sitting next to them, one can only imagine what they will be doing in the privacy of their home in the presence of the children!

As I said earlier, it is a fact that many of us parents do engage in sexual acts in the presence of the children believing that they are too young to know or understand what we are doing or building up to doing. A lot of parents have sex with their little children in the same room and sometimes on the same bed, with the belief that ‘they are fast asleep and will not wake up to catch us at it.’

A close friend once told me that she and her husband have resolved to having sex on the floor of their bedroom. Why? Their fourth and last child, has turned out to be a leach, stays glued to her once he sets eyes on her and has refused to share a room with his two older brothers.

Their third room is occupied by her mother-in-law, the house help and their only daughter, so they have nowhere to hide to do their stuff and movement on the bed will wake mummy’s boy.

Perhaps, some of the blame can be heaped on our circumstances and those who handle or are responsible for birthing and caring for mother and child right from delivery. Right from the hospital, mothers are told that the place of the baby is beside its mother, so they are encouraged to sleep with the baby beside them right from the hospital.

Two reasons account for this: it makes things easier for the lazy nurses, and it is comfortable for the weak mother as well as reassuring that her baby is safe within reach. The nurses call it the week of bonding to make mothers feel cool. Unfortunately, most mothers become attached to this arrangement long after the dubious ‘bonding’ period has passed.

Back home, while many of us buy fancy baby cots and cribs, the babies hardly ever get to sleep in them. Thus, many Nigeria children tend to grow up in their parents’ bed, which also happens to serve the same purpose as ‘wrestling ring’.

Though one might argue that living in a two- or three-bedroom apartment allows for much needed space, the truth is that the issues involved are sometimes more complex and tricky. Then, imagine the plight of families who live in a room. Two funny stories come to my mind. The first is that of a young chap who was caught by his father while peeping at them ‘fighting’   through holes he’d carved out in his cover cloth for that purpose.

The other is about the angry retort of a boy to his father when he got tired of being asked the same question almost every night. According to the story, the father shortly before mounting his podium would ask their young son who sleeps on the floor, “John, you don sleep?” On hearing no response, he concludes that John has slept, so the show begins.

However, on a particular day, John decided he’d had enough. As soon as his father asked the question, John replied, “Why you de always call John? I beg, make una do wetin una wan do jare”! Though this may sound rather extreme, it still does not erode the facts of the situation.

In an era where children are birthed with their eyes wide open – it is called the computer age in local parlance – most children now seem to be born with some micro chips of sort in their heads. Many of them would decode instantly what you mean even by a blink of an eye.

Give a six-year-old boy a smart phone and you’ll be surprised that he knows more of the functions than you the adult owner. A couple of years back, my then five-year-old nephew crept up to his mother while she had her bath, took a picture of her and fortunately for everyone, announced that he was going to post it on the internet!

He finally confessed that his class mate’s older brother had promised to help them execute this hideous plan. That’s another story entirely.

There is no doubt that parenting is a great responsibility that has even been made more difficult given the Nigerian society and her numerous challenges. But there is no doubt that parents, especially mothers, can still get it right if they want to.

The Qur’an says that a child’s road to paradise and success is at the foot of its mother, thus a mother’s role in child upbringing is very vital. Please let’s try to do things with moderate measures, especially in the presence of our children. Do have a wonderful weekend!