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June 5, 2011

Who is lying to you that a divorcee can’t re-marry?

Who is lying to you that a  divorcee can’t re-marry?

I hear so much when people talk to me telephone or chat with me via my BB. Have you ever listened to any religious teaching that says God has only one right person for you when it comes to marriage, and that if you miss that one person, you can never be happy with anybody else?

What about another religious teaching that says that every man has a missing rib and that that special rib is one special woman waiting for you somewhere, and you must do everything to find that rib [which is the woman you are supposed to marry]. Again, they say that if you don’t find that missing rib, you will never be happy in marriage?

As religious and spooky as these teachings on marriage may be, I do not believe it is based on the Holy Bible. There is nowhere in the Bible where these statements/teachings are validated. I know, based on the Bible, God says it is not good for man to be alone. He also made it clear that male and female made he them, not male and male or female and female.

I know it’s categorically stated that a man will one day leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and not his own rib. I believe it is also stated that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. I also know that a virtuous woman comes from the Lord. I can go on and on, not to proof a point but to displace myths we have taught the people in place of truth that the word of God stands for. That’s why I keep meeting people every day who are not even sure what God’s mind about marriage is.

I have never read anywhere in the Bible where it categorically says that men have a missing rib that can only be filled with just one special spooky rib.

There are a number of single men and ladies that are not dating again because they believe they have missed that one special person either to death or to someone else. Some are not dating because they believe their hearts have been broken, and so when it comes to love, you find some people are at a standstill; and they wonder why they fall ill easily, get depressed often etc.

It is a pity that love which is supposed to help us create balance in our lives has brought nothing but confusion to many, either from what they hear about one missing rib, or about that only one special person made for them. Yet, the Bible says “he that finds a wife” and not “him that finds his wife”. For those of you out there who believe you can never love again after a broken relationship or marriage, well I have got not only news for you, but good news: the possibilities of your experiencing happiness in love are not limited to one person.

The human heart has a tremendous capacity for loving. That means there is a possibility that you believe you have had the most interesting, romantic and memorable relationship with someone that if you ever break up with that person either through death, separation or divorce, you will never find someone else like that. I guess you need to realize that a new partner would never replace that person you have lost, but would offer an opportunity to experience a totally different relationship. Each true love we have stretches our heart in a different direction and each relationship serves us in a different way, which makes me believe that those of us who are not ready to give love a chance again are indeed missing out in many ways.

My wife was not the first woman I ever loved. I had once loved a lady before. The lady was then Ola Adeniji. We broke up and it was as if I will never live without her. I did everything to have her back as my girlfriend, but she was never going to come back to me. She had made up her mind and that was it.

I decided to live with it even though I didn’t think I would survive it. But the story is different today as I have not only survived it, but through my marriage to Lawrenta Omono Okosun, I have learnt that love has many colours indeed. Ola is also married and lives in the UK and I feel I owe her a lot of gratitude, because if she hadn’t dumped me, I would never have had a chance with someone as adorable as Lawrenta. But, it blows my mind to know that I can love again and so also can you.

“Hey Jerome! I want to marry again, but in my own case, I am divorced and the church will not allow me to even think about it, not to talk of mentioning it”.

Well, to that I will say marriage was made for man and not man for marriage. God considers marriage as very sacred, and I know, based on the Bible, that God had said “what God had joined together, let no man put asunder”. Even then, I believe that refers to WHAT GOD HAS JOINED TOGETHER!

You and I know that it is not God that joins men and women in the sacrament of matrimony together most of the time. These days, it is the love of money, lust, selfish motives, social status etc. that join couples. And, as long as couples are being joined together by these wrong reasons, we cannot rule out divorce from becoming not only a household name, but also a household experience.

For someone like me who believes in the trinity theology, I believe God does not only believe that marriage is honorable unto all, but through marriage, He wants to help us understand how there can be three persons in one God, yet indivisible. If a man is using you as his punching bag every day, you better run, baby! Run before he kills you. It is better to lose that marriage than lose your life.

If you go into some of the archives of some newspapers and magazines around, you will realize that a lot of men in Nigeria, through physical abuse/wife battering, have killed their wives. In some of the obituaries that you read on the streets and newspapers, it’s usually written that she died after a brief illness or fell down at the bath tub and hit her head which led to internal bleeding, and her death. Believe me, some of these stories are lies. She was simply killed by her husband. Before she was killed, she kept on going to church to report the criminal and abusive situation at home, but the unfeeling counsellors that jam pack the churches these days, who know the letters and not the Spirit of the Bible, kept telling her to go back to her husband and pray for him!

Pray for him? Pray for a man that should be in the psychiatric hospital? Pray for a man that has multiple personality disorder? A man who is so pious in church, pro-active at work, respected in the society because of his humanitarian endeavours, yet is a beast of at home.

Who will believe her anyway? Even when she finally gets an appointment with ‘Mama’ in church, little does she know that most of the wives of pastors or bishops are the unhappiest people in the world. So, what do you expect Mama to say than to tell her to go back home and die? And these women die daily.

If he beats you, he is an unbeliever, and sooner than later, he is going to go after other women. When he does, just go on your knees and thank God for your deliverance has come, because the Bible says you are no longer bound to an unbeliever who leaves anyway meaning after he has left you and gone after all the Hagars, Delilahs and Vashtis out there, and you return to your parents, you can re-marry if you want as your divorce papers are complete and you have not been with him for over two years. You can open your heart again to someone else after thorough counselling. God says he hates divorce, but not the divorcee.

Religious people reading this might feel like strangling me now, because they think I am advocating divorce. I am not advocating divorce. I am only helping people to learn to start all over again after they have admitted that they have made a mistake in marrying the wrong person for whatever reason. I also want to advise strongly here that no one should accept that he/she has made a mistake until he has gone for counselling with pastoral counsellors, marriage counsellors etc.

It’s not usually the devil fighting us all the time, but what do you expect the devil to do when he, from the beginning of the marriage was our father-in-law? Maybe some other religious person may be screaming that “my marriage was terrible for twenty one years, yet God intervened”. My response is that’s your own business; as many as are led by the Spirit of God are the sons of God and not as many as are led by your so-called experience.

What about a situation where Paul says in the book of First Corinthians 7:10-11: “For those who are married, I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord. A wife must not leave her husband, but if she does leave him, let her remain single or else go back to him, and the husband must not leave the wife.”

Yes what about it? Did you not realize that Paul was talking directly to those who God had joined together? And at this point, while he even made provision for the woman to leave her husband with conditions, he never gave the man a chance to leave his wife. So, it is men that we should keep asking to go back to their wives in our churches; instruct these men to love their wives to the point of dying for them as the Word of God commands; and, to stop compounding problems for the poor, abused women by telling them to just keep praying, when we know that it was not the women that prayed for their marriages or families in the Bible, but the men.

Paul continued and said in verse 12; “Now I will speak to the rest of you” meaning and for those of you that have doubts that it was not God who really joined you together because of who you are married to probably because of desperation to be married, attraction to an aristo, lust of the eyes etc, Paul encourages such a covenant person to stay, that he or she sanctifies the unbeliever he or she is married to, but then he now goes on to say in verse 15 that if the unbelieving partner wants to leave, the covenant child should allow them to go for he or she is not required to stay with them, and I repeat, not required to stay with the unbelieving partner for God has called his children to live in peace and not in pieces.

That is the word. Please let’s stop twisting it. God hates divorce, not the divorcee! I have never read where the Bible says the divorcee will go to hell, yet I have read where it says “all liars will go to hell”, and don’t we all tell lies today? Let’s start to remove the log in our own eyes before we try to remove the dust from the eyes of divorcees. Since we have no ministries for them in our churches, let’s leave them in peace.

I am not advocating divorce, (I even consult for and help pre-marital and married couples that have been separated for some time and want to come back together again do so). I am only letting those who will get divorced or have gotten divorced already to have hope in the Lord as we help more people learn that God is still in the business of joining together and giving grace for couples to finish strong even in marriage. I am challenging all divorcees to learn to love right, and also love the right person as they choose to remain right with God. Sooner than later you will realize that God indeed hates divorce, but has better plans for the divorcee.