Get captivated

May 15, 2011

Help, my father is with another woman just after my mother’s death!

Dear Jerome,

Thanks for your articles. They have been quite educative and captivating, indeed. I never thought a day will come that I will be writing to you. I just thought I will be reading the articles; learning but never get in touch.

But now, I have a big problem that I can’t even discuss with my siblings. I guess we are all reacting to this problem in our different ways. It’s about my Dad. We lost our Mum barely 2 years ago and we suspect he is already seeing another lady. He is 66 and I expected him to spend the rest of his life getting it right with God and living with and in the cherished memories of our late Mum.

I am very disappointed with him and each time my husband asks that we visit him, I find myself very reluctant. Until now, he has been my hero, because he did everything a father should do for us by giving us a wonderful foundation in life;, but for him to now turn and betray my late mum like this?

Jerome, what can I do to stop him from getting into a relationship at this time of his life?


Dear Trinity,

It was nice reading from you. Thanks for taking time out to read ‘Get Captivated with Jerome’. I trust God that you are fine and your siblings too. How is your Dad doing? Where is he now as you are reading this? And, what do you perceive his real needs to be at this time of his life?

Trinity, I believe you should forget your need for your Dad for now and get close to him to find out what his real needs really are. When your Mother died, his marriage to her was dissolved and while he will surely have fond memories of your Mum, your Dad still has the capacity to love another again – not in a way to replace your Mum’s love, but in a way to compliment it.

Most times, as children, we tend not to know what our parents’ needs are. Then, some of us drift away from them as we set up our own families; we just may never be there for them the way they may desire us to be.

As our parents grow older, they need us more. They need our frequent visits, understanding, our phone calls, our invitations etc. You need to understand that men who usually find it hard to express their emotions also find it difficult to handle their emotions in time of crisis. A man may have survival tactics, but will likely crash when the crisis persists for a period longer than it should.

Go to the hospital and see the way males and females handle illness; you may be so disgusted at most men because you expect them to “behave like men”, and by that, I mean strong, but that’s not what you usually get.

Well, sorry to disappoint you. Men may not be as strong, emotionally, to handle crises as you think because most men have their emotions under-developed. That’s one of the reasons why they need you, the woman, as help meet more than you may imagine.

As a man grows older, his needs for security (sense of belonging), significance (sense of meaning), and self worth (sense of value) increase. And, he may do certain things that may seem ridiculous to you to get them. But, as ridiculous as they may seem to you, certain needs in his life are been met.

Why is your Dad with this new lady? Well, I can’t categorically say, but one thing I know is that if this lady is a good woman, she will help increase the life span of your Dad now. If she is a good woman, she can help your Dad meet his needs for interaction, further development, and love.

Sometimes, when an elderly man is in love, it has a way of making him feel secure, like he is not alone. An elderly man in love can also find the needs for his sense of significance met. He feels good that he means more than a grandpa to someone, that he can still have someone who misses him and believes he can still do something worthwhile for another in return.

An elderly man in love also knows he is valued by another, and that keeps him going. That makes him storm a party with an angel of a lady beside him with his head up, saying ‘hello’ to everyone, knowing he can be seen to still have it together.

If your father, after your mother’s death, has refused to see another woman, I would have advised you to even introduce one of your matured, single friends to him; who can love him, interact with him, give him the ability to share his ideas with another (and believe me, even a man of 100 years still has ideas. The only problem is how many of his children will be willing to believe in those ideas?)

What about your Dad? Do you know what he still wants to achieve in life? Are you willing to sit with him and listen to him most of the time? Yes, he still wants to talk and as a matter of fact, has a lot to still communicate. If you can’t be there in that sense, why don’t you allow someone else who can?

As a matter of fact, if your father’s relationship with this new woman does not work, kindly contact me, because I know so many successful women who are in their 40s-60s who will like to meet healthy and progressive men who are in their 50s-70s.

Well, readers, call me on +234 80 5353 7663 or +234 803 719 4335 and I am sure we can work out some great links for Dads that are single again.