Some of my clients sit in my counseling office asking “Jerome, how do I start all over again?” I ask them if they are really ready to start all over again, because I know starting all over again may involve starting from scratch, sometimes. And, that’s what a lot of people don’t want to do. They will rather manage with a life of mediocrity, and hope it will still continue to get them some results, no matter how useless the results may be.
You see, starting all over again may be quite humbling. Humbling because you have to admit that you have made certain mistakes that could have been avoided if you had given heed to understanding the things you know. I have learnt that “Wisdom is Knowledge that is guided by Understanding”.
You will be surprised about how much people know and still make so many mistakes in life. You will find out that when women get to the age of 37 or thereabout, whether married or not, they no longer want to take a back seat, remain invisible or restrained. The married ones, at this period, just feel caged and may probably think that their husbands don’t understand them enough or, are too tired to listen to the ideas that they have. These women feel they have much more to offer than just being a wife, mother, employee, sister, etc. They believe there is more waiting for them to accomplish out there. Now, just because all they do at this stage is know all these things but don’t have an understanding of what’s happening to them, they move out to meet needs they don’t even understand. In doing so, majority of these women make so many mistakes; and, very costly ones too.
It’s at this stage that some woman starts relating with her ex-boyfriend again, the one who has always told her that she is having his children for another man, and that when she is ready to come back, he will always be available for her, (please note that this rascal is married too). She goes ahead to start seeing him again after many years, hoping that her need for attention, affection, acceptance and approval, at this stage of her life, can be partially met through this rascal, not knowing that this rascal has a lot of issues in his life at that time too and cannot give what he hasn’t got.
At first, everything seems right, i.e. the time spent talking on thephone together, sending text messages, meeting in hotels for sex, etc. All this while, her husband may no t even suspect anything, because he is too consumed with investments and investors or busy with one 20-year old sloth that he gives a pet name like Princess, Delight, Pleasure, etc. Unfortunately for her husband, even if he was not engaged with such frivolities at this time that his wife has gone haywire, he may not even suspect anything because when women cheat, they always do a neat job, believe me. And so, husbands and wives are drawn so far apart, at this point, allowing all sorts of undesirables to fill the vacuums they left between themselves.
I believe if our women had opened up and spoken to qualified counsellors, they could have learnt more about what happens to women between the age of 37-60; why they want more out of life, why they want to be more expressive from the kitchen to the bedroom, why ordinary sex will not do anymore more – which makes them look for sex that involves the spirit, soul and body. Do you know how many women have turned to find succour in these social text messaging networks that encourage you to meet people through phone first and meet each other face to face later? The married women are really competing with single ladies for extra marital affairs right now – just because they have no understanding of what they know is happening to them at this stage of their lives. But the worst part is that a lot of women have become more lost than when they first went out searching, and their homes, families, societies and nations are paying for this!
It’s like the newly married man who is crazily in love with his bride and has sworn never to cheat on her, and means it, but after the first 18 months in marriage, he is already seeing this naughty ex-girlfriend of his again who was always jumping from one bed to the other in those days (which was why this newly-wed guy didn’t marry her in the first place). But he is quick to forget that now just because after his first child with his lovely bride, he started to feel very lonely, and longed for the companionship which he used to have with his wife but is missing for the time being. And, since he is not asking questions or opening up to talk about what’s happening to him, he has handled it all on his own by going back to that girl who has nothing to offer him but one misery or another. Do you know that some education could have helped this guy to know what can happen to him at a time like this when the children start to come and how he may live through such times? We always want to do these things all by ourselves, and I guess there are two reasons behind this. First, we think it is the best way to learn. And to be honest the second reason is that we think it is “cheap”. We think it will save us some money doing it all by ourselves – but, in fact, it costs us lots.
Experience is an expensive teacher. To achieve more and more success in your relationships, marriage, career, life, etc., you will soon discover that your own learning and experience isn’t going to be enough. You are going to need to start to consider looking elsewhere – like books written by people who have been there before you, made the mistakes you can avoid now by learning why and how they made those mistakes and how they dealt with it. What this can mean for you is that you don’t have to start from the beginning and learn from your own mistakes. You can start where someone else had left off; you can give up your need to “do” in order to learn. In fact, you can learn faster. You will need teachers, mentors and even consultants for advice. And they all seem to point in one direction – you can learn from history. Books will recount stories, teachers may explain what you need to know, mentors will teach you from experience and consultants cite and provoke best practices.
As you accept to start all over again from where you may have messed up, I believe you may want to find someone like Jerome Onipede in the area of marriage, relationship and understanding your personality traits to help you; a Sam Adeyemi in the area of bringing in excellence into every area of your life; a Patricia Omoqui to show you how to stay on top as you re-order your thought life; a Grace Enenmoh who will show you how to manage and stay on top of competitive business and at the same time manage your children and home well even as a single parent; a Kathy Emiko who will show you how to have that perfect body you have always desired etc.
With so many resource people around to help you, I am not sure you can afford to fail in life. Moreover, you have God who has made you the head and not tail, and has put you above only and not beneath; who has given you a place to rule here on earth and will defend it for you, because you are His Personal Concern!
*Seek to understand your Personality again (and I can help with that),
* Learn to adjust your perspective to your new situation,
* Set a few simple goals for yourself,
* Remember where and how you have succeeded before and encourage yourself to try again.
* Measure your progress with the help of your mentor,teacher, consultant etc. Buy and read relevant books to keep you focused.