Hello Jerome, I know what I am doing is wrong, and that’s why I need help. My husband has been cheating on me for a long time. I had cause to talk to him to ease things between us, but he won’t listen. I have a good job but my husband’s job takes him away for at least a month or two before he comes home. The issue here is recently I met a young man who is separated from his wife and all over me. I have not had sex with him but he makes me feel loved, appreciated, and has helped me to regain my self confidence.
I have two children and I don’t want to continue to offend God, but I can’t seem to break free from this relationship. I need help. I want to obey God.
Thanks for sharing your present predicament with me. I hope we can work through all these. I have realized that: The greatest ironies of life include having the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out that you love someone after that person walks out of your sight.
In other words, we sometimes don’t just have everything work out the way we hope for in our relationships. And, that goes for most people.
How then can we make our relationships work despite all the odds we may face? I believe a marriage is only as strong as the two people in it. I won’t advise anyone who is not strong enough to live by faith and not by sight to get married. I will not advise anyone who is not whole, and when I say whole, I mean complete in his or her Maker to get married.
Most of the time, majority of us go into marriage with expectations that cannot be met in marriage itself. And, when our unrealistic expectations are not met, we turn to others to the detriment of our spouses, who may now be left vulnerable to things that we could have protected each other from.
Okeimute, you have done well by asking for help. I am sure you are also asking for help because you have a conscience that will not do things that are out of order; which is where there is concern about most people all over the world today. More and more people seem to be losing their conscience these days judging by the things they tend to find comfort doing; things that only reveal that most of us, today, lack value, not even value for life.
Okeimute, I know when your husband started cheating on you, you were very upset; upset more at the fact that you tried talking to him to see that despite the fact that he has betrayed you, you still want to help him to make amends so both of you will not forfeit that dream of living happily ever after. But, little did you know that he was far gone from reasoning.
You see, when we refuse to retain God in our knowledge and believe that God is too old-fashioned to teach us how we should live our lives, God gives us up to a reprobate mind to do things that are not convenient. A reprobate mind is one that cannot differentiate between what is right and what is wrong.
And that is what, I believe, your husband is operating in at the moment, though there is hope for him and even for you and for your marriage.
When a woman tells her husband that she does not like a particular lady hanging around her husband, and the husband keeps defending this strange lady around him and gives reasons why she has to always be around him, even when those reasons are just unreasonable, the possibility of that man operating with a reprobate mind is high.
I have never seen a situation where a wife warns her husband about a particular lady and he refuses to listen without him facing severe consequences. I wish men will listen more to their wives when they are warned by their wives about these strange ladies.
Believe me, as a personal counsellor, I know that there are so many strange ladies out there, today, waiting to turn men to “piece of bread”. I also know that men that love God are usually difficult for these ladies to find.
Okeimute, when your husband is living with a reprobate mind, do you think he will listen to you at this time? You seem to be so concerned that he is unfaithful to you that you have missed the fact that he is first unfaithful to himself! He is, at this time, so open to the attack of the enemy and he is only co-operating with the enemy to pull him down.
It’s just a matter of time before the enemy of his soul start to attack the work of his hands; then, they will attack his health and by the time they leave him, if he is still alive and the mercy and grace of God is not sought for, first on his behalf, before he can even see what a prisoner he has become, he may just become a caricature of what he used to be.
For you to know that this is real war against this husband of yours and one that the enemy wants you and your children to lose, the enemy has also got you, your husband’s intercessor, in chains as well. Now, you may never be able to look up to heaven and cry to God on his behalf.
I am not one to say that women should always be the ones to pray to save their homes from attack that may come to them as a family, because I know that in the days of yore, it was men who played that role, and played it well.
In this situation, Okeimute, it is your turn to take that position until your ‘General’ (your husband) can take his place again, while heaven smiles at you for a job well done. Since you have asked for help, under the circumstances it’s not too late.
As I close, I want to let you know that you got into adultery yourself, because you judged yourself better than your husband. It has been said that you should not judge so that you may not be judged because with the same measure that you judge, it will be measured back to you. It has also been said: “Let him that thinks he stands, take heed so he doesn’t fall”, because after pride always comes a fall.
If you take time out, you will realize that God never, and I repeat, God never has anything to do with the proud. History has shown that He always resists them. So, I guess the first step you need to take now will be to acknowledge that it by the grace of God that you have been able to stand and not by your own strength.
I believe when you realize this truth and ask God for forgiveness, He will make you glide on eagle’s wings again far above the enemies of your soul.
The second point is that you have been so carried away by how righteous you have been and how unrighteous your husband is that, up till now, you have refused to forgive him. You believe he owes you, and so you have been trapped by what unforgiveness does to anyone who carries it. Unforgiveness makes one become exactly like the one we have refused to forgive, because unforgiveness demands that those who offend us must pay for what they have done against us. The truth is: you can never move ahead of those you try to get even with. You will always be behind chasing them. It’s no surprise then that one ends up becoming exactly like the person we refuse to forgive.
You will realize that what most of us have accused our parents of doing to us; we have done to others even done worse. So, please, forgive this husband of yours and you will realize that, little by little, the chains of the enemy over you will begin to drop.
Next, ask God to forgive you as you have forgiven your husband, and believe God for grace that makes a difference in people’s life. Believe me, God will begin to orchestrate events for you in a way beyond your expectations.
You will realize that that young man taking advantage of you right now is not better than your husband; he’s probably even worse. He is not the fantastic saviour you think he is; because your eyes which are blind until now will be opened. You will then have the courage to leave him and see yourself stand again before and with God.
Once you can stand before God, every other thing comes under you, because Okeimute, you were born to reign and to rule with God. From then on, you will see marriage in another perspective, and your husband? Well, you will tell the rest of the story triumphantly.
For counselling with Jerome on relationships, marriage and career, call 08037194335/08053537663. You may also call same lines if you can afford to be part of our Easter Getaway in Benin Republic this April 2011. Add on FACEBOOK as Jerome Yaovi Onipede. BB 2219041E.