Isn’t it interesting that we often close conversations by saying, “I’ll talk to you soon,” rather than, “I’ll listen to you soon”?

A year ago, I attended a seminar at which each participant was invited to choose a day to spend in total silence. How rare to go an entire day without speaking a word. I found the exercise refreshing and enlightening. My other senses came alive. I noticed fragrances, felt the embrace of a friend and heard the background “music” of everyday life. Actually, not talking was a relief. I spent my time observing and listening. I asked myself, “How often do I really listen and why?”

I’ll ask you the same question, “What motivates you to listen?”

Do you just do it out of habit? Is it because you’ve been told you SHOULD listen? Do you want to capture the next piece of gossip? Are you listening because you really care about the other person? Are you seeking to expand your own understanding of yourself and life? Are you doing it to grow intimacy in a relationship with a significant other?

I invite you to get clear on your motivations. When I did, I realized that one reason I want to listen is to honor the other person. After all, that’s what I want for myself.

Opportunities to listen present themselves one after another, every day. Every time someone talks, consciously or not, we are making a choice. Sometimes we choose not to listen and walk away. Other times we choose not to listen but pretend we are. Sometimes we give total attention and really hear what another person is saying.

As you are making your choices, here are some suggestions to help you see new possibilities to grow in your role as a listener.

1. Tell people your time constraints up front. When you choose to take a call or open a conversation, let the speaker know your time constraints or other restrictions for talking. You might say, “It’s so good to see (or hear from) you. I have only a few minutes but I want to talk.” Or, “We may get interrupted because I’m expecting to hear from a client. I’m glad at least for a chance to say hi.” You get the idea.

2. Be fully present. Realize that others are honoring us when they share their ideas and feelings. We can honor them in return. I invite you to drop what you are doing and listen with all of your senses, eyes, ears and heart. As author M. Scott Peck says, “You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.” That would preclude sending text messages, catching up on email, eavesdropping on the conversation at the table next to you, monitoring the football match or browsing through a magazine.

3. Listen with renewed compassion. Don’t assume you know what the person is going to say or what his or her point is. Those of us who have friends with emotional struggles often tune out what the other person is saying because we feel we’ve heard the story before and already know it. We think to ourselves, “Here she goes again…same old drama or yet another problem.” Then we pretend to listen.

If you find yourself hearing the same story over and over again, why not offer some insightful questions? Here are a few. “Is there something you can do to move beyond this? What gifts is the Universe offering you through this situation? Is there something I can do to help?”

4. Be honest when you reach your limit. If you are feeling tired or distracted and unable to continue listening, let the person know. This happened to me recently when I was speaking with a gentleman over dinner. We had an enjoyable conversation. We had been talking for twenty minutes. Then he said to me, “My head is full now with the information you’ve shared. Would it be okay if we stop this conversation so I can digest what you’ve told me? I am struggling to listen right now.” At first, I was shocked; people rarely admit these things. Then, I was actually thankful for his honesty. Why would I want to talk with a person if he isn’t able to listen? It is okay to politely postpone or defer conversations as needed.

5.Be an active listener. If someone is speaking to you, let them know you are tuned in. Look at them. Nod. Support them with an, “Oh” or “Uh-huh.” Don’t interrupt and don’t finish other people’s sentences. You can encourage a speaker by reflecting what you’ve heard, “So you felt upset when that happened?” Active listening means that we follow the conversation closely and ask for clarification when we don’t understand rather than making assumptions that we do.

6. Don’t assume your friend wants your advice. Before you try to “fix” a problem, ask a quick question: “Do you want to hear my perspective, or would you prefer that I just listen and allow you to process your feelings out loud?” You will be surprised at the gratitude your friend will express for that consideration. Many times people speak simply because they need to be heard. When we are able to put our thoughts into words and say them aloud, we clarify what we think and feel and we get to our own solutions. Many times I have sat with friends listening, and before I was able to respond, my friend would say, “Thank you for your help! Now I know what to do.” I had done nothing except listen.

I’ve been told by people who know virtually nothing about me what a great friend I am. I understand that I’m giving the gift of friendship by simply being willing to listen.

7. Set aside the urge to defend. When others offer criticism or express views with which you disagree, listen with an open mind. Their words cannot hurt you unless you choose to let them. If you are strong enough to move your agenda and opinions out of the way, you can gather valuable insights. As television personality Dick Cavett observed, “It’s a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn’t want to hear.” Those willing to keep the door to their mind and heart open, even when it is uncomfortable, grow in wisdom and maturity.

Your assignment this week is to show people in your life how much you care about them by becoming a better listener. Be conscious as you interact with others. As you make positive changes, take note of different outcomes in your relationships. If you persist in practicing these tips, I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

Remember to book your tickets now for the high impact Advance360 business conference being organized by Dayo Israel. You do not want to miss this impactful day of dynamic speakers (Patricia Omoqui, Fela Durotoye, Sir Dayo Alumo and others) and helpful topics to take your performance to the next level of success! Register at www.dayoisrael.com .

I also want to cordially invite you to join me at a special Friends of Patricia Omoqui dinner being hosted by Timeless Magazine and Ayo Moses Public Relations. The event is set for September 12, 2010 at 5 p.m. Please call 08026221202 or 08026861642 for further details and to purchase tickets. Ticket prices are 5,000 Naira for singles, 8,000 Naira for couples. Seating is limited so call to reserve your seat early! I look forward to seeing you there.

Let’s spend this week using our listening skills to positively impact our friends and family!

Food For Thought

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”

— Ralph Nichols

Patricia G. Omoqui 2010,

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Patricia Omoqui, The Thought Dr. â„¢, is an internationally recognized inspirational speaker, life coach and writer. Patricia’s mission in life is to inspire people to move beyond fear so they can reach their full potential.

To share your thoughts about this article, please email Patricia at [email protected] or visit her at her website: www.patriciaomoqui.com .