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Can friendship turn to love

Dear Bunmi,
I have this male colleague at work and we are very friendly, we see and chat with each other everyday. We’re both single and so far, the relationship has been purely platonic – except for once or twice that we have kissed when slightly tipsy. Lately, I’ve been having sexual fantasies about him. I’m not sure he feels the same way and I’m worried an affair might ruin our relationship. How do I make the first move without making a fool of myself?
By E-mail

Dear Doyin,
Friendship is believed to be the best possible soil in which love can take root, grow and nourish. By contrast, an affair, which begins like a bolt from the blues, is often in danger of burning out fairly quickly when passion dies, and the couple suddenly realize that they have very little to offer each other beyond sex.

It is a good thing you bonded well with your male friend and he probably depends as much on your support as you do on his. Someone who knows you at work knows the real you; the way you look when you’re tired and the way you react when you are under pressure. And you know him just as well. You are therefore lucky to have found someone who is such a soulmate and whom you also find attractive.

When it comes to love, women often call the shots through body language and subtle come-one. As many men are terrified of rejection, you must be one to make a move. If you don’t you’ll always regret it wondering what might have been. And if you keep him at arm’s length he may one day turn up with a girlfriend. I’m sure you’ll find this devastating judging by how you now feel about him.

So when next you go out together in the evening, stay alert for any signals that his interest in you is not real platonic – and make sure booze is not high on the menu!

Try flirting a little to see if he’s willing to follow your lead. At the end of the  evening, you may invite him for a proper drink. If he doesn’t respond, as you would like, you won’t have harmed your friendship.

He wants details of my last affair

Dear Bunmi,

I broke up with my boyfriend of two years nine months ago and was fortunate to be in another relationship immediately after. My ex was the one who said we should cool things a bit and he had a girlfriend too.

Unfortunately, our new romance didn’t work out and he begged that we should give our relationship another chance and I agreed because I never stopped loving him.

As soon as we got together however, he wanted to know all the details about my sexual life with the other guy, and now when I tell him anything, he wants my answer to be detailed. For instance, he doesn’t believe we never had oral sex like I often have with him. Why are all these unnecessary details important to him?
By E-mail

Dear Yejide,
I don’t think your man really wants to know whether you had oral sex or not with your ex- in fact he doesn’t want to know the details at all. What I suspect is that he needs to know you’re not hiding anything from him. He needs to feel you’re being honest right now about every single detail so your second chance can be free of doubt.

Rather than letting him go on and on asking questions, arrange one single session where you answer everything he wants to know – with the understanding you wouldn’t entertain future questions. If he then asks more questions, just keep telling him you love him and had that relationship when there was no possibility of the two of you getting back together again.


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